Cannonball Run: Final Tour
by Charles Xavier
Summary: The Chairman passes away, requesting in his will for a last race to be held. Friends and foes, old and new, gather once more in a final attempt to win the Cannonball Run. Who will stand triumphant in this final tour?
1. Dying Wish

Dislcaimer: None of the characters belong to me (besides Mr. X) and belong to their rightful owners respectfully. I do not own the Cannonball Run movies and the real life event of the same name. All racing vehicles depicted in the Cannonball race belong to the video game series F-Zero.

Author's Note: You needn't worry too much, folks. Although this is the last installment (chronologically) in the Cannonball Run series, other authors of the Cannonball Run fandom will be writing the remaining parts of the series. So that means Cannonball Run 6, 7, and 8 are still yet to come, followed by Cannonball Run '87, which will be a possible interquel. So in short, this isn't quite the last fanfic entry. But it's personally my last work on the Cannonball Run franchise. So for all the readers who've enjoyed reading Cannonball Run 3 throughout the years, I dedicate this story to you, and to a race that has inspired two movies, fan fiction and most of all, a conclusion. Thank you, mina-san!

**The cast list is posted for the benefit of readers and is not intended to violate any rules on this site. **

xxx

**Introduction**

xxx

"Hello! I'm Jay Sherman, and welcome to a special edition of 'Coming Attractions'! Tonight, we'll be screening the movie everybody's been raving about since 'Titanic 2', 'Cannonball Run: Final Tour'! The film features old veterans Detective Eddie Valiant and his chum Roger Rabbit, Tiny Toon stars Buster and Babs Bunny, no relation of course, the sweet and angelic Naminé who even my son has a crush on, the bumbling trio Team Rocket who just can't get anything right, and who could forget Hogwart's notorious You-Know-Who, Lord Voldemort!

Who could forget all the pointless sequels we've had these past years, that have tried so desperately to end everything they've started. 'The Matrix Revolutions', 'X-Men: The Last Stand' and what about the awful 'The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King'? On the Shermometer, these films have rated a zero! Brrrrr…

But as for 'Cannonball Run', who knows what to expect as our stars embark on their last journey around the globe? And who might win this time, you ask? Well, I hope everyone's remembered to bring their popcorn and Icee, because tonight we're going to find out! So sit back, relax and enjoy the show, folks!

Lights…camera…action!"

xxx

**Detective Edward "Eddie" Valiant (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)**

**Roger Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)**

**Team Rocket (Pokémon)**

**Buster J. Bunny (Tiny Toon Adventures)**

**Barbara Ann "Babs" Bunny (Tiny Toon Adventures)**

**With **

**Lord Voldemort (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone)**

**And **

**Naminé (Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories)**

xxx

**In**

xxx

_**Cannonball Run: Final Tour**_

_**By Charles Xavier**_

xxx

**Starring:**

**Dick Dastardly (Wacky Races)**

**Muttley (Wacky Races)**

**Sora (Kingdom Hearts)**

**Kairi (Kingdom Hearts)**

**Riku (Kingdom Hearts)**

**Roxas (Kingdom Hearts II)**

**Squall Leonhart (Final Fantasy VIII)**

**Rinoa Heartilly (Final Fantasy VIII)**

**Yuffie Kisaragi (Final Fantasy VII)**

**Vincent Valentine (Final Fantasy VII)**

**Adrian Albert Mole (The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 ¾)**

**Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)**

**Joanna Dark (Perfect Dark)**

**Aya Brea (Parasite Eve)**

**Ada Wong (Biohazard 2)**

**The Outer Senshi (Sailor Moon)**

**James Bond (Casino Royale)**

**Kim Possible (Kim Possible)**

**Mr. Mistoffelees (Cats)**

**Ennis del Mar (Brokeback Mountain)**

**Jack Twist (Brokeback Mountain)**

**Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids (Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids)**

**Mr. Bean (Mr. Bean)**

**Spawn (Image Comics)**

**Corvax the Terrible Sheik (Muzzy)**

**The Blues Brothers (The Blues Brothers)**

**Special Agent Fox William Mulder (The X-Files)**

**Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully (The X-Files)**

**Dolores (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)**

**Baby Herman (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)**

**Dojo Kanojo Cho (Xiaolin Showdown)**

**Omi (Xiaolin Showdown)**

**Raimundo Pedrosa (Xiaolin Showdown)**

**Kimiko Tohomiko (Xiaolin Showdown)**

**Clay Bailey (Xiaolin Showdown)**

**Smith (The Matrix)**

**Go Mifune (Mach Go Go Go)**

**Brian Griffin (Family Guy)**

**Stewart Gilligan "Stewie" Griffin (Family Guy)**

**Artemis Fowl II (Artemis Fowl)**

**Iorek Byrnison (His Dark Materials)**

**Lieutenant Pete "Maverick" Mitchell (Top Gun)**

**Calvin and Hobbes (Calvin and Hobbes)**

**Chiyo Mihama (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Tomo Takino (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Koyomi "Yomi" Mizuhara (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Sakaki (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Yukari Tanizaki (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Minamo "Nyamo" Kurosawa (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Mr. Tadakichi (Azumanga Daioh)**

**Electra (Starlight Express)**

**Pee-wee Herman (Pee-wee's Playhouse)**

**Pincho (Los Fruittis)**

**Mochilo (Los Fruittis)**

**Gazpacho (Los Fruittis)**

**Kumba (Los Fruittis)**

**Thomas "Tommy" Vercetti (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City)**

**Christopher "Chrissy" Moltisanti (The Sopranos)**

**Anthony John "A.J." Soprano, Jr. (The Sopranos)**

**Meadow Mariangela Soprano (The Sopranos)**

**Beavis and Butt-head (Beavis and Butt-head)**

**Kaolla Su (Love Hina)**

**Sara McDougal (Love Hina)**

**Shinobu Maehara (Love Hina)**

**Keitaro Urashima (Love Hina)**

**Naru Narusegawa (Love Hina)**

**Tama-chan (Love Hina)**

**The Madagascar Penguins (Madagascar)**

**Captain Archibald Haddock (The Adventures of Tintin)**

**Milou (The Adventures of Tintin)**

**Dupond and Dupont (The Adventures of Tintin)**

**Super Mario Bros. (Super Mario Bros.)**

**Yoshi (Super Mario World)**

**Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic the Hedgehog)**

**Miles "Tails" Prower (Sonic the Hedgehog 2)**

**Knuckles the Echidna (Sonic the Hedgehog 3)**

**The Lee Brothers (Street Fighter III: Next Generation)**

**Stormy (Rainbow Brite)**

**Alex (A Clockwork Orange)**

**Dim (A Clockwork Orange)**

**Pete (A Clockwork Orange)**

**George (A Clockwork Orange)**

**The Simpsons (The Simpsons)**

**Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island)**

**Elaine Marley (The Secret of Monkey Island)**

**Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)**

**Asterix (Asterix the Gaul)**

**Obelix (Asterix the Gaul)**

**Dogmatix (Asterix and the Banquet)**

**Dora (Dora the Explorer)**

**Boots (Dora the Explorer)**

**Eric Theodore Cartman (South Park)**

**Stanley "Stan" Marsh (South Park)**

**Kyle Broflovski (South Park)**

**Jerome "Chef" McElroy (South Park)**

**Kenneth "Kenny" McCormick (South Park)**

**Tweek Tweak (South Park)**

**Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone)**

**Professor Severus Snape (Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone)**

**Montana Master Max (Tiny Toon Adventures)**

**Elmyra Duff (Tiny Toon Adventures)**

**Pinky and the Brain (Animaniacs)**

**Bert and Ernie (Sesame Street)**

**Popeye the Sailor (Popeye)**

**Olive Oyl (Popeye)**

**SpongeBob SquarePants (SpongeBob SquarePants)**

**Patrick Star (SpongeBob SquarePants)**

**Dr. Ross Eustace Geller (Friends)**

**Rachel Karen Green (Friends)**

**Monica Ellen Geller (Friends)**

**Chandler Muriel Bing (Friends)**

**Lock, Shock and Barrel (The Nightmare Before Christmas)**

**Henry Sugar (The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar)**

**Dream (DC Comics Vertigo)**

**Death (DC Comics Vertigo)**

**Bozo the Clown (Bozo the Clown)**

**The Powerpuff Girls (The Powerpuff Girls)**

**Jeannie (I Dream of Jeannie)**

**Hinata Wakaba (Shiritsu Justice Gakuen: Legion of Heroes)**

**Sakura Kasugano (Street Fighter Zero 2)**

**The Mask (The Mask)**

**Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem)**

**Stephanie (LazyTown)**

**Sportacus (LazyTown)**

**Carmen Isabela Sandiego (Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?)**

**Little Lulu (Little Lulu)**

**Richard "Richie" Rich, Jr. (Harvey Comics)**

**Little Audrey (Little Audrey)**

**Princess Devilotte de Deathsatan IX (Cyberbots: Full Metal Madness)**

**Dr. Stein (Cyberbots: Full Metal Madness)**

**Jigoku Daishi (Cyberbots: Full Metal Madness)**

**Sakura Kinomoto (Card Captor Sakura)**

**Toya Kinomoto (Card Captor Sakura)**

**Tomoyo Daidouji (Card Captor Sakura)**

**Meiling Li (Card Captor Sakura)**

**Syaoran Li (Card Captor Sakura)**

**Charles "Charlie" Brown (Peanuts)**

**Sally Brown (Peanuts)**

**Snoopy (Peanuts)**

**Woodstock (Peanuts)**

**Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing (The Cannonball Run)**

**Dr. Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy)**

**Dr. Cristina Yang (Grey's Anatomy)**

**Dr. Alex Karev (Grey's Anatomy)**

**Dr. George O'Malley (Grey's Anatomy)**

**Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens (Grey's Anatomy)**

**Garfield (Garfield)**

**Odie (Garfield)**

**Jonathan Q. "Jon" Arbuckle (Garfield)**

**Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)**

**Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)**

**Dr. Gilbert "Gil" Grissom (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation)**

**Catherine "Mugs" Willows (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation)**

**Sara Sidle (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation)**

**Nicholas "Nick" Stokes (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation)**

**Warrick Brown (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation)**

**Sofia Curtis (CSI: Crime Scene Investigation)**

**Kiyone Makibi (Tenchi Muyo!)**

**Mihoshi Kuramitsu (Tenchi Muyo!)**

**Washu Hakubi (Tenchi Muyo!)**

**Sasami Masaki Jurai (Tenchi Muyo!)**

**Ryo-Ohki (Tenchi Muyo!)**

**Misao Amano (Magical Girl Pretty Sammy)**

**Rumiya (Magical Girl Pretty Sammy)**

**Rei Ayanami (Neon Genesis Evangelion)**

**Asuka Langley Soryu (Neon Genesis Evangelion)**

**Shinji Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)**

**Sydney Anne Bristow (Alias)**

**The Delightful Children from Down the Lane (Codename: Kids Next Door)**

**With**

**Cyborg Superman (DC Comics)**

**And**

**Dr. Doom (Marvel Comics)**

xxx

**Co-Starring:**

**J.J. McClure (The Cannonball Run)**

**Victor Prinzi (The Cannonball Run)**

**Commandant Mauser (Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment)**

**Lieutenant Proctor (Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment)**

**Hymie Kaplan (Cannonball Run II)**

**President Baxter Harris (Scary Movie 3)**

**Vice President Thomas "Tug" Benson (Hot Shots!)**

**Mr. X (Cannonball Run 3: World Tour)**

**Borat Sagdiyev (Da Ali G Show)**

**The Censor Lady (Attack of the Killer Tomatoes)**

**H.A. Futterman (Freakazoid!)**

**Kasumi (Pokémon)**

**Haruka (Pokémon)**

**Hikari (Pokémon)**

**Taichi Yagami (Digimon Adventure)**

**Yamato Ishida (Digimon Adventure)**

**Wayne Campbell (Saturday Night Live)**

**Garth Algar (Saturday Night Live)**

**The Muppet Newsman (The Muppet Show)**

**Statler and Waldorf (The Muppet Show)**

**Secret Service Agent Mitch (Mars Attacks!)**

**The Bully Brothers (The Perils of Penelope Pitstop)**

**With**

**The Machinegal Dolls (Moldiver)**

**And**

**General Arthur J. Foyt (The Cannonball Run)**

xxx

**Also Starring:**

**Benny the Cab (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)**

**Kenichi Mifune (Mach Go Go Go)**

**Space Ghost (Space Ghost: Coast to Coast)**

**Zorak (Space Ghost: Coast to Coast)**

**Moltar (Space Ghost: Coast to Coast)**

**Voldemar H. Brakley "Brak" Guerta (Cartoon Planet)**

**Princess Peach (Super Mario Bros.)**

**Princess Daisy (Super Mario Land)**

**Haruka Urashima (Love Hina)**

**Rainbow Brite (Rainbow Brite)**

**Starlite (Rainbow Brite)**

**Skydancer (Rainbow Brite)**

**Amy Rose (Sonic CD)**

**Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas)**

**Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones's Diary)**

**Fearless Leader (The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show)**

**Cerberus (Card Captor Sakura)**

**Yue (Card Captor Sakura)**

**Master Fung (Xiaolin Showdown)**

**Princess Sylvia (Muzzy)**

**Cain and Abel (DC Comics Vertigo)**

**Seifer Almasy (Final Fantasy VIII)**

**Tuxedo Kamen (Sailor Moon)**

**Blooregard "Bloo" Q. Kazoo (Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends)**

**Frances "Frankie" Foster (Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends)**

**Mac (Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends)**

**David Van Driessen (Beavis and Butt-head)**

**Nedward "Ned" Flanders (The Simpsons)**

**Rod Flanders (The Simpsons) **

**Todd Flanders (The Simpsons)**

**Panoramix (Asterix the Gaul)**

**Professor Utonium (The Powerpuff Girls)**

**Volta (Starlight Express)**

**Krupp (Starlight Express)**

**Wrench (Starlight Express)**

**Purse (Starlight Express)**

**Joule (Starlight Express)**

**Conky 2000 (Pee-wee's Playhouse)**

**Misato Katsuragi (Neon Genesis Evangelion)**

**Double Dragon (Double Dragon)**

**JoJo Tickle (JoJo's Circus)**

**Natsu Ayuhara (Shiritsu Justice Gakuen: Legion of Heroes)**

**Woodrow "Woody" Tiberius Boyd (Cheers)**

**Detective Philip Marlowe (The Big Sleep)**

**Diego (Dora the Explorer)**

**Columbia (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)**

**Persian (Pokémon)**

**Father (Codename: Kids Next Door)**

**Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Full Metal Jacket)**

**Milo De Venus (Galaxy High)**

**Doombots (Marvel Comics)**

**With **

**Sakaki (Pokémon)**

**And**

**M (Casino Royale)**

xxx

**Featuring:**

**Inspector Gadget (Inspector Gadget)**

**Santa Claus (The Santa Clause)**

**R2-D2 (Star Wars)**

**C-3PO (Star Wars)**

**Rocko (Rocko's Modern Life)**

**Waldo (Where's Waldo?)**

**Gumbies (Monty Python's Flying Circus)**

**Sharky and Georges (Sharky and Georges)**

**Sammo Law (Martial Law)**

**Oneesan (Battle Royale)**

**Timon and Pumbaa (The Lion King)**

**Inspector Jacques Clouseau (The Pink Panther)**

**Detective Hercule Poirot (Agatha Christie's Poirot)**

**Emperor Kuzco (The Emperor's New Groove)**

**Sam and Max (Sam and Max)**

**With **

**ED-209 (RoboCop)**

**And**

**Sheriff Buford T. Justice (Smokey and the Bandit)**

xxx

**Special Appearances By:**

**Pippi Longstocking (Pippi Longstocking)**

**Lady Sylvanas Windrunner (Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos)**

**Varimathras (Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos)**

**Sharlindra (World of Warcraft)**

**Pingu (Pingu)**

**Robby (Pingu)**

**Norville "Shaggy" Rogers (Scooby-Doo)**

**Scoobert "Scooby"-Doo (Scooby-Doo)**

**The Old Jewish Man (The Simpsons)**

**Slappy the Dummy (Goosebumps)**

**Gilligan (Gilligan's Island)**

**The Skipper (Gilligan's Island)**

**Norman Bates (Psycho)**

**Joe and Mac (Tatakae Genshijin: Joe and Mac)**

**Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)**

**Otto Meyer (It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World)**

**Pretty Sammy (Magical Girl Pretty Sammy)**

**Pixy Misa (Magical Girl Pretty Sammy)**

**Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)**

**Edward "Nubbins" Sawyer (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)**

**Grandpa Sawyer (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)**

**Drayton Sawyer (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)**

**Tsotsi (Tsotsi)**

**Spider-Girl (Marvel Comics)**

**Kim Ji-hoon (Friends)**

**Asai Tomoko (Friends)**

**Sophitia Alexandra (Soul Edge)**

**Cassandra Alexandra (Soul Calibur II)**

**Dizzy (Dizzy: The Ultimate Cartoon Adventure)**

**Lao Fu Zi (Lao Fu Zi)**

**Big Sweet Potato (Lao Fu Zi)**

**Mr. Chin (Lao Fu Zi)**

**The Child Catcher (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)**

**Tracy (Battle Arena Toshinden 2)**

**Rachael (Battle Arena Toshinden 3)**

**Derice Bannock (Cool Runings)**

**Irving "Irv" Blitzer (Cool Runnings)**

**Sanka Coffie (Cool Runnings)**

**Yul Brenner (Cool Runnings)**

**Junior Bevil (Cool Runnings)**

**Father McGruder (Braindead)**

**Ecco (Ecco the Dolphin) **

**The Golden Girls (The Golden Girls)**

**Count Dracula (Bram Stoker's Dracula)**

**The Lost Vikings (The Lost Vikings)**

**Lilo and Stitch (Lilo and Stitch)**

**Frenchmen (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)**

**Crash Bandicoot (Crash Bandicoot)**

**Glenn Quagmire (Family Guy)**

**Mr. "Everything Comes From India" (Goodness Gracious Me)**

**Captain Leslie Hero (Drawn Together)**

**Foxxy Love (Drawn Together)**

**Ling-Ling (Drawn Together)**

**Toot Braunstein (Drawn Together)**

**Princess Clara (Drawn Together)**

**Xandir P. Wifflebottom (Drawn Together)**

**Spanky Ham (Drawn Together)**

**Wooldoor Jebediah Sockbat (Drawn Together)**

**Mana Kirishima (Neon Genesis Evangelion)**

**Sabrina Spellman (Sabrina, the Teenage Witch)**

**Salem (Sabrina, the Teenage Witch)**

**James "J.J." Evans, Jr. (Good Times)**

**Professor Coldheart (The Care Bears)**

**2 Stupid Dogs (2 Stupid Dogs)**

**Blinky Bill (Blinky Bill)**

**Holli Would (Cool World)**

**Nacho Libre (Nacho Libre)**

**The Little Rascals (The Little Rascals)**

**Bunny Swan (MADtv)**

**Glaurung (The Silmarillion)**

**Kane (Command and Conquer)**

**Alien (Alien)**

**Predator (Predator)**

**Herbie (The Love Bug)**

**Haruka Suzumiya (The Eternity You Desire)**

**Mitsuki Hayase (The Eternity You Desire)**

**Leslie Burke (Bridge to Terabithia)**

**Jessie Oliver Aarons, Jr. (Bridge to Terabithia)**

**Haruhi Suzumiya (Haruhi Suzumiya)**

**Mikuru Asahina (Haruhi Suzumiya)**

**Yuki Nagato (Haruhi Suzumiya)**

**Nana Komatsu (Nana)**

**Nana Osaki (Nana)**

**Fajer (Pride of Baghdad)**

**Aida (Aida)**

**Tootle (Little Golden Book Land Friends: The Great Harbor Rescue)**

**Katy Caboose (Little Golden Book Land Friends: The Great Harbor Rescue)**

**Sergeant Oh Kyeong-pil (Joint Security Area)**

**Private Jeong Woo-jin (Joint Security Area)**

**Dr. Henry "Indiana" Walton Jones, Jr. (Raiders of the Lost Ark)**

**Battletoads (Battletoads)**

**High Priest Imhotep (The Mummy)**

**Seo Jang-geum (Dae Jang Geum)**

**Hercules (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys)**

**Xena (Xena: Warrior Princess)**

**The Great Cornholio (Beavis and Butt-head)**

**Captain Chaos (The Cannonball Run)**

**With **

**Jay Sherman (The Critic)**

**And**

**Marcie Thatcher (The Cannonball Run)**

xxx

**Prologue: Dying Wish**

xxx

"Do they sell peanuts here?"

"Mr. President, this is a funeral." Mitch had to remind President Harris that today was a serious gathering for the Chairman of the Cannonball Run, who had recently passed away. Mourners were many, paying their last respects while the organist played another hymn.

"What about pretzels? I haven't had one since that last game I watched with the Giants."

"No, sir. They don't sell any refreshments in this church."

"An outrage! What kind of government doesn't allow a church to sell refreshments at a funeral procession? Get me the President!"

"You are the President."

"Good. Then I already know about this. Let's order lunch!"

**XXX**

J.J. McClure and Victor Prinzi watched the pallbearers carry the coffin outside into the car. Friends, relatives and others who knew the Chairman well waved goodbye as the car drove away. A crackle of thunder was heard and everyone opened their umbrellas as heavy rain showered onto the streets. The funeral was now over. People rushed back into their cars to return home. A few stayed behind longer to discuss other matters…

"J.J., I'm sorry." said Victor.

"He was a fine man, Victor." J.J. replied somberly. "Without him, the Cannonball Run would have been nothing. And now, I guess there won't be anymore. It's all finished. The fun, the crashes, the screeches, the screams…I'm sure going to miss those good times."

Victor wanted to mourn too, but he couldn't help notice a familiar face standing behind his pal.

"J.J.! Look!"

He pointed straight at Hymie Kaplan with his nasty grin.

"Did you miss me, boys?" Hymie took off his hat, handing it over to his henchmen, the Bully Brothers. "I heard the old timer finally kicked it! I had to come and see the performance for myself!"

He laughed jokingly. J.J. and Victor remained silent, not amused by their old friend's cheerfulness.

"Face it. The Cannonball's nada now. Why don't you boys go cheer yourselves up at the Pinto Ranch sometime, huh?" Hymie laughed jokingly again. "See you later, alligators!"

The Bully Brothers brought him to his car and they left, leaving J.J. and Victor in a duller state. However, they didn't catch Mr. X when he tapped J.J. on the shoulder, surprising Victor when he thought for a moment that the Grim Reaper was coming for them.

"Relax." Mr. X assured. "Mr. McClure and Mr. Prinzi, I believe I have something of valuable importance to you."

He handed them over a white envelope addressed to both of them. J.J. quietly opened it, slipping out the Chairman's will and unfolding it to have a read.

"What does it say, J.J.?" Victor asked, seeing traces of a smile on his face already.

"Victor…it isn't over yet. It's far from over."

xxx

Author's Note: There you have the Prologue! One thing I might want to warn you: I MAY add more cast members without any notice. So I suggest you be on the lookout when you least expect it!


	2. Announcement

Author's Note: First chapter done! Apologies for any unnecessary OOC-ness!

xxx

****

Chapter One: Announcement

xxx

"This is a Muppet News Flash! The Cannonball Run is racing its last track this year, as a special request from its Chairman shortly after his death. Word has spread once again across the world, and thousands are expected to flock into New York City with great anticipation. It was announced this morning that the winner will receive a prize money of three hundred and fifty million dollars, and it has been honorably decided that the winner will also receive the legendary trophy, the Cannonball Cup! Who will earn it? Only time can tell…

In other news, it's been raining cats and dogs for its second week in Seattle and weather forecasts predict that conditions may worsen; some witnesses claim that there may very well be cat and dogs falling from the sky."

The Muppet Newsman chuckled.

"That's ridiculous!"

The ceiling suddenly cracked open and in poured an avalanche of cats and dogs.

****

XXX

Commandant Mauser rudely snatched the newspaper Lieutenant Proctor was reading.

"Another Cannonball?" Mauser exclaimed frustratingly. "How did those rascals pull this one off now that the Chairman's dead?"

"Well, Commandant. It was a last request he left behind. He…"

"And what the hell are you doing on my desk? Get off of there!" Mauser scolded his lackey away from his chair. "This isn't right, Proctor. You know better than I do on how much panic and mayhem this Cannonball frenzy has caused in the past. Something's got to be done immediately."

"Right away, sir. But what?"

Mauser pulled a discomforted face and shrugged. "How am I supposed to know? I'm just a Commandant!"

"Then maybe I'll take care of them."

A uniformed man marched in with sunglasses that bore an uncanny resemblance to a pair Proctor had seen before…

"Oh my God!" Proctor cowered behind his Commandant.

"Who the hell are you? And what brain-dead sergeant let you into my police academy?" Mauser asked boldly, intimidated in no way by the man's profound appearance.

"Sir." Proctor whispered in his ear. "That's Mister…Mister…"

"Foyt." The stranger said sternly. "General Arthur J. Foyt."

Alarmed at once, Mauser shoved Proctor away and saluted respectfully at the General. "My apologies, General. Please do forgive my rude welcoming to this fine academy. I've read many stories about you."

"Then you must be fully aware about my resentment to this upcoming event." said General Foyt. "I can't afford these Cannonballers to wreak havoc on our streets this year. So many attempts to stop them have proved useless. But now…they won't get away. I know that."

"Affirmative, General." Mauser sucked up. "My men are the best trained in all fifty states, I guarantee! I will call a mass assembly immediately!"

"That won't be necessary, Commandant." General Foyt swung his cane at Mauser, blocking his way. "Although I appreciate your efforts, I believe that won't be suitable for these dire situations. For you see, I've already made plans of my own well ahead."

"And what plans may that be, General?" asked Proctor.

"Let's just say that I've made several acquaintances from many different places." A nasty grin from General Foyt made Mauser and Proctor embrace each other as he let out a disturbing cackle.

****

XXX

"Eddie! Dolores!" Benny the Cab greeted them as the couple walked into his garage. "Nice to see you two lovebirds again!"

"Not looking half bad yourself, Benny." said Eddie Valiant. "It's been a while since I've come back to Toon Town. Dolores and I just got back from Catalina and thought we'd drop by to see you."

"Where's Roger?" Dolores asked, searching the garage.

"He's at the back with Herman, working on some new machine. I'm not sure what it's for." Benny replied. "Could be for that new Cannonball race coming soon."

Eddie almost forgot about what he had read in the papers this morning. The last Cannonball Run was going to be held in less than a month. Both Dolores and himself were delighted to hear that the race was still on, despite the absence of the Chairman. It wasn't hard to see Roger Rabbit's enthusiasm either, he was already working hard on getting things ready.

Eddie and Dolores went outside the back to find Roger and Baby Herman working intensely on their new machine. Herman was busy painting it while Roger was fixing the interior controls. Letting out a high whistle, Eddie caught their immediate attention..

"Jeepers, Eddie!" Roger waved. "Nice to see you, old pal! Herman and I just got started this morning on the Blue Falcon! By the time we're finished, this thing's going to be more than p-p-perfect to win for the Cannonball Run!"

"What's the Blue Falcon?" asked Dolores curiously.

"You're looking right at it, toots!" replied Herman. Dolores jumped in shear amazement. The sophisticated machine had no wheels, and looked more like it was made to levitate. Eddie hoped that none of the people working on 'The Jetsons' would find out about this. Otherwise they'd most likely get sued.

"I got to admit, you two. You've really outdone yourselves this time." Eddie complemented, dazzlingly impressed by the Blue Falcon's shear beauty. "I bet Jessica would pass out the minute she saw this, Roger!"

Hearing that name made Roger let out a gasp as he dropped his wrench. His face turned blue and his smile melted away.

"Uh-oh." Herman knew what Roger was thinking. Sadly for Eddie, he knew nothing about what he had done wrong. "I wish you hadn't said that."

"Roger…?" Eddie called out to him. "What's the matter?"

"Pllllllease, Eddie. I don't want to talk about my dear Jessica." Roger sniffed, slipping out a recent photograph of his dear love. "She's been rather moody lately. Things just haven't been working out well between us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Roger." said Dolores. "I'm sure you can work this out together. Isn't that right, Eddie?"

"Sure." Eddie smiled, trying to lighten up Roger's mood. "Don't forget that you still got 'Him'. 'Him' could help solve your problems out for you in no time."

Roger shook his head in grief. "No, Eddie. 'Him' has gone. 'Him' doesn't want to be with me anymore. 'Him' has moved on to someplace else." It was clear that Roger had no more spunk to don the famous mask of Captain Chaos, as his relationship with Jessica was going astray. "Aw, phooey. Forget about it. I don't need 'Him' anyway. We're better off winning this race on our own, isn't that right?"

"Um…sure." Eddie nodded in doubt. "We're going to win this race with or without 'Him'…I guess."

****

XXX

An infuriated Sakaki took the liberty of snatching away all of Musashi's and Kojiro's Poké Balls. His Persian scornfully hissed at Nyasu as the trio were being dishonored by their boss for the countless failures they had caused him. Sakaki could no longer hold any more tolerance for them, and had decided without regret to expel them for good today.

"Well, then. Do you have any last words before I strip you of your uniforms?" said Sakaki in scowls.

"Um, does this mean that we can't come back here anymore?" Kojiro idiotically asked.

Alike to what Musashi and Nyasu were thinking right now, Sakaki would have happily assisted them to chuck Kojiro out of the window. But his cell phone interrupted him, and he was forced to answer the call.

"Yes?" Sakaki said sternly. "…what? It's on again? But that's impossible! They couldn't have…I see." A deep sigh escaped from Sakaki as he dropped to his armchair, tired from just scolding Team Rocket this morning. "It seems far beyond a miracle that luck has saved you once again. For I've just been informed that the Cannonball Run is starting once again…and for the last time. Sadly, you're the only three that at least have the brains to realize how much this opportunity means to you."

"So does that mean we've got one more chance to please you, sir?" asked Nyasu.

"Yes. I'm afraid so."

"HOORAY!" Team Rocket couldn't help but rejoice and dance with glee, wasting Sakaki's precious time…and testing his patients.

"ENOUGH!" Sakaki shouted, his thunderous voice scaring the living daylights out of them, even Persian. "Hear this, for I am only going to say it once! Win the Cannonball Run this year to redeem yourselves from your pathetic status! Dare to fail me this time, and you will find yourselves working like slaves for the rest of your lives cleaning my cars…"

"Well, that's not too bad." Nyasu commented.

"…and my underpants!"

"NOOO!" Team Rocket cried in fear. They went on their knees, bowing continuously, begging him not to give them such a harsh punishment. But his mind had already been made up.

"We'll do it this time, sir!" Musashi pleaded. "Please don't look down upon us!"

"Very well, then." Sakaki opened the drawer from his desk and handed Musashi an instructions manual. "Take this and make sure you read it carefully. This machine cost me a fortune to make. So don't screw anything up with it!"

Kojiro and Nyasu gathered round Musashi, who was already fascinated by the front cover of the manual which held a picture of a machine. On top of it read: 'Fire Stingray'. It seemed like the perfect fit for the perfect race that would change everything for them.

"You will find it sitting in my garage. Be sure to open the gates on the way out…we don't want to repeat last time's incident when you three ruined my brand new Rolls-Royce." Team Rocket shook their heads, trying to forget that unbearable incident. Sakaki felt he wanted to wish them luck for a change, but he dare not say it. The Fire Stingray was lucky enough to win gold, he knew it. So with all said and done, he formally bid farewell to Team Rocket, saying: "You are dismissed!"

Musashi, Kijiro and Nyasu saluted and left his office. Sakaki then realized that they had left all their Poké Balls behind on his desk. He considered returning them kindly, but preferably chose not to…as he realized that it may not make any difference, judging from how useless these oafs have proved to be. In fact, it just might be amusing…

"Infidels."

****

XXX

"Good morning, M." James Bond greeted.

"Ah, 007. Glad that you've arrived. Do come in." said M. It appeared that she was in conversation with a third member present. "I was just briefing our new transfer agent about your next assignment."

"Transfer agent?" James frowned.

"Yes, she's been highly recommended by the United States and has shared particular interest in assisting you on your next mission." Her guest spun her chair round to reveal herself. "I would like you to meet Miss Kimberly Ann Possible."

"Pleasure to be of service." Kim smiled, offering a friendly handshake.

"Bond. James Bond…rather young for an agent, aren't you?" James said, shaking her hand unsurely.

"Don't let appearances deceive." said Kim, giving him a wink. "M's told me everything about you, especially your history with women."

"How charming."

M handed James a file dossier, containing details of the Cannonball race. James was surprised to find inside a photograph of the machine provided by Her Majesty's Secret Service. It looked rather unusual, and not something he had expected in mind.

"The Golden Fox, I believe." said M. "Our latest invention and only one of its kind. Take good care of it. I've ordered a plane this weekend to take you and Miss Possible to New York. The Cannonball will be starting fairly soon. So I suggest you two familiarize yourselves with each other beforehand. And Bond, I am charging you with full responsibility of Miss Possible at all times during this race. Is that quite clear?"

"Yes, considerably." James coldly replied. He wasn't feeling too optimistic about dragging this school kid with him. "Come along, Kim. I believe there's much we have to discuss."

"I concur." She said.

****

XXX

"My dear Sylvia, I have done it again!" Corvax the Terrible Sheikh couldn't find a worse time to disturb the young lioness Princess Sylvia, sunbathing peacefully by her swimming pool. "This time for sure the Cannonball will fall into the forces of Islam!"

Sylvia pretended not to notice the Wild Goose parked right over her favorite flower bed. Last week Corvax had driven it through her entire hedge maze and sent her poor father to hospital when he was accidentally hit. Fortunately he survived, but Sylvia was finding Corvax ever such a nuisance that she even questioned how in Allah's name he got here in Gondoland in the first place.

"Corvax, leave me alone." She said uninterested.

"Ah, but my desert blossom! I assure you that this time, I will not fail!" Corvax was being accompanied by two men in black suits, and was about to introduce them. "I've saved enough money to buy the famous Blues Brothers to guide me on this race!"

Elwood and Jake gave a friendly wave at Sylvia. She casually smiled back in return.

"I suppose I can't say you'll loose, then." Sylvia shook her head, knowing that Corvax wasn't going to get much further in success no matter who or what he could afford. "Best of luck, Corvax. You probably deserve it."

"I shall return for you after the race, Princess! I pledge it!" said Corvax proudly, and he summoned the Blues Brothers to follow him. "Come, come! We got to America!"

"A pleasure to meet you." Elwood said before departing.

"Nice to meet you too!" Jake said, rushing away with his pal.

Sylvia waved the brothers goodbye, who were assisting Corvax back into his machine before they left. She was going to enjoy these few months without the crazy sheik. And while she napped under the hot sun, she dreamed about joining the race herself. Then again, who could miss this lovely weather she was having?

****

XXX

Mac and Frankie searched the streets for Bloo, who had apparently wondered away from Madame Foster's Home. When they had finally found him, they were not prepared to discover what he was hiding…

"Bloo!" Mac exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"What is it look like I'm doing?" Bloo answered back. "I'm fixing up the Origammy so I can enter the Cannonball Run!"

The Origammy almost appeared as its title so suggested. A bizarre choice to make out for a racing machine, but thanks to a certain friend of Bloo, even the impossible could happen.

"You heard what Madame Foster said last week, it's not safe for any of us to go on that stupid race!" Frankie warned him. "You could get yourself killed if you're not careful! And besides, you're not even an expert to drive. What makes you so confident?"

"I didn't say I was going to race…alone." Bloo's cheeky smile didn't amuse Mac or Frankie. "You see, I'm racing with one of my cooler friends. Someone you guys haven't even met."

"Oh?" Mac raised brow. "And who might that be."

"Why not ask Mr. Mistoffelees, the original conjuring cat?"

By the instant Bloo uttered his name, a puff of smoke filled the air, and out popped before them the magical Mr. Mistoffelees himself.

"Presto!" The feline magician bowed to his friends. "I must than thank you, Bloo, for getting everything splendidly organized for this exciting race."

"Ah, don't mention it." said Bloo. "I'm ready when you are, pal! Let's go hit the road and be on our way!"

Mr. Mistoffelees couldn't quite agree with Bloo, however. "I'm sorry, Bloo. I'm afraid Madame Foster has informed me that you mustn't come on this dangerous endeavor. And as much as you must have anticipated, I cannot break my promise to her. She and I have known each other far longer than you and I."

"But…"

"My apologies, Bloo. I must be off." Mr. Mistoffelees got inside the Origammy and switched on its engines. "Presto!" And within a second he had vanished from them. Bloo's jaw dropped, leaving him utterly speechless.

"Cooler friend…eh, Bloo?" Frankie crossed her arms with a cheeky grin.

"I feel so betrayed." Was all he could say.

****

XXX

"Quite a machine you have, Scully." said Agent Mulder, impressed by the Green Amazone parked neatly inside her unspoiled garage. "You think it still works?"

"Positive." Agent Scully replied. "Had it checked yesterday and it's running good as new. It can outrun any UFO before you can say E.T.."

"Hope this doesn't get in the way in our investigations." Mulder thought, remembering all the unsolved cases they still had to solve.

"Lighten up." said Scully. "Even agents like us have to have a good time."

"I guess you have a point." Mulder smiled, getting inside the Green Amazone with her.

Scully opened her garage and they were well on their way to New York for the race.

****

XXX

"What did I tell you? Ain't he a beauty, Ennis?" Jack Twist didn't tell Ennis del Mar about the surprise he had in store for him. After summoning him back to Brokeback Mountain, it seemed all worthwhile for both of them.

"Jack…I don't know what to say." Indeed. Ennis didn't know what to say when his eyes met with the Luna Bomber. "It's the most dang gorgeous thing I've ever seen."

"Guess what? You and I are goin' on that Cannonball race on that baby!" said Jack, swinging an arm round his neck and kissing him on the cheek. "It'll sure be a blast! Before you know it, we'll be both sleepin' in cash with our gold trophy!"

"I'm with you, Jack." said Ennis while a tear escaped from his eye. "We'll do this together."

****

XXX

It was a wonderful start of the day for Mr. Bean. As he stepped outside to stretch his arms, he inhaled the fresh scent of morning. Bringing along a suitcase, and of course his teddy bear, he made his way to start his car…or machine, rather: the Fire Scorpion. Mr. Bean was very excited today, and he was not intending to go to work. He was going to New York, for he had wished to take part in the Cannonball Run coming soon.

"Oh! Not again!"

Mr. Bean was frustrated to discover a ticket placed on the Fire Scorpion. The pesky policemen were always a pain in the neck, especially when he wanted to practice for the big race. He angrily scrunched up the ticket and literally ate it. Getting the problem out of the way made him feel relieved.

After getting comfortably inside, he tried switching on the engine with his keys, but nothing happened. He struggled and struggled, but to no avail. It took him a while to realize that he was using his house keys for the machine, and that the real keys were left inside the house. Mr. Bean frantically rushed back into his home and collected them.

"HA! HA!"

He loved the sound of the Fire Scorpion breathing with life. He proudly drove off, severely scratching a Volkswagen beetle on his way out.

****

XXX

The Blue Thunder was a gem for Omi and his friends. Having been trained so well, the time was ripe for them to be given one of the most difficult tasks to perform: winning the Cannonball Run. Every Xiaolin warrior had to prove himself worthy by enduring this formidable race…as far as Master Fung was concerned.

"I wonder which one of us is going to drive." Kimiko wondered. "Don't look at me, I've failed four times already in a row on my tests."

"Count me out, guys." said Raimundo. "Last time I took the wheel, I drove into five Taco Bell restaurants."

"No can drive." said Clay. "I've hardly took any lessons."

Dojo knew that there wasn't much of a choice, for there was only one person left to pick out. "Well, Omi. It seems like you'll have to take the driver's seat. But don't you worry, pal. We'll be right behind you all the way!"

"What a great honor!" Omi bowed to everyone. "May I assure you that this uphill race ahead of us will bring great prosperity to all! Master Fung, we shall not fail you on this long-continuous quest!"

"I am proud of you all." said Master Fung. "May your ancestors guide you to the righteous path to victory. And remember, do not eat your fortune cookies before you finish your meal."

"What?" Everyone frowned.

"Do excuse me. I am afraid I am out of any cheesy sayings."

****

XXX

"I admit this Cannonball has really intrigued me, girls." Former agent and newcomer Ada Wong zipped up her leather jumpsuit with her friends, Lara Croft and Joanna Dark. "I'm glad to be part of this team on its last run."

"Happy to have you on board, Ada." said Joanna. "Looks like we'll have some stiff competition ahead of us. Isn't that right, Lara?"

Lara nodded. "It seems Haruka and Michiru have formed a team of their own. But you needn't worry. I'm sure they won't outrun our White Cat."

Their machine sat quietly under the spotlight of a lamp post, shining brightly like the crown jewels of England. And just when the girls were ready to leave, a shadowed figure intruded.

"Stop right there, you three." A disturbingly familiar voice halted them. "Just where do you think you're going? I don't presume it's that Cannonball again?"

"As a matter of fact, it is." said Lara.

Aya Brea stepped out from the dark, all neatly dressed in a leather jumpsuit as well. "Well, then. I suppose you don't have room for just one more, would you?" She smiled.

****

XXX

Rainbow Brite had invited Stormy to the Color Castle, after having heard that she was entering the Cannonball Run. She was glad that she hadn't spent the prize money she received to herself, from the Cannonball she won a while back. Instead, she was kind enough to share it equally amongst her friends and the Sprites. However, she knew nothing about Stormy's intentions if ever she was to win. Nevertheless, she was willing to help out her friend in any way, even design a machine especially for her talented taste.

"Here she comes, Rainbow!" Starlite could see Stormy in the distance, riding on Skydancer with haste.

"Stormy!" Rainbow greeted her. "Boy, you got here in a hurry!"

"That's right!" said Stormy, while Skydancer quite arrogantly snorted. "When I heard you had the Night Thunder ready for me, I came here as fast as thunderbolts!"

"Well, it's all yours to take now." said Rainbow. "I had my best Sprites work on it for weeks, I hope you love it!"

"Thanks, Rainbow. I guess I owe you." Stormy stepped off Skydancer and patted her gently, bidding her a warm farewell. "So long, Skydancer. Take care of yourself while I'm gone."

****

XXX

"Behold! The Blood Hawk!"

Homer Simpson surprised his family when he opened the garage to reveal his secret weapon. It was obvious enough to believe that this spelled another Cannonball Run adventure for all of them.

"Homer, how long have you been keeping that in the garage?" asked Marge. "Was this the reason why you spent the last few nights without any sleep?"

"Whoa, you've done it again, dad!" Bart gave him a high-five. "Cannonball all the way for the Simpsons!"

Lisa was feeling dubious about this race, however. "Isn't it kind of pointless that we have to endure another life-threatening race just to be rewarded with another sack on money? Haven't we had enough fun already?"

"Come on, Lisa." said Homer. "This is for the gold! We'll be a big happy family with a big happy trophy if we come in first place!"

"But that doesn't really make a difference. What does it matter if they just add a gold cup to all of this?"

The rest of the family were already in the machine, leaving Lisa to speak to herself. She sighed…she assumed this was better than staying with Aunt Patty and Selma, or even worse…Grandpa. Even Maggie wasn't complaining.

"Hi-diddily-ho, neighbor-ino!" greeted Ned Flanders across the fence, accompanied with his two boys. "Where's everyone off to this morning, Homer?"

"None of your business, Flanders!"

"Okily-dokily-do!"

Homer stepped on the gas and zoomed past the Flanders house like a mighty wind.

"Dad, is Mr. Simpson ever coming back?"

"I'm not sure, boys." said Ned, wiping the dirt off his glasses. "He seemed to be in quite a hurry to leave. Maybe there's been an evacuation. Who knows what could be coming our way…a tsunami, an earthquake, maybe a nuclear bomb?"

"YAY!" Rod and Todd rejoiced. "Judgment Day!"

****

XXX

"Just smile and wave, boys."

"Um, Skipper. The zoo's closed today. There's nobody here." said Ryan, correcting his superior.

"Oh, right."

Skipper ordered his men to return to base immediately. The Madagascar Penguins were not going to waste any more time on their top secret project: the Hyper Speeder. Hard to believe, but they were preparing for the Cannonball race. In their deep underground lair, the penguins worked hard for an intensive sixteen hours a day to have their machine perfected. And now, it was near completion.

"A job well done, boys!" Skipper congratulated them all. "I think we'll soon be on our way for the Cannonball! Kowalski, perform a last inspection on the controls and make sure they're operational."

"Yes, sir."

"Rico, check the boost power. We'll be needing much of it on our journey."

"BOOST POWER!"

"And what about me, Skipper?" asked Ryan.

"As for you, Private, you just sit back and relax. Because I know that we can't loose on this race. Everything's going to run just smoothly."

****

XXX

It was the crack of dawn, and Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell was preparing to leave Top Gun on the Little Wyvern. Packing up his equipment and suiting up for the Cannonball Run, he was ready to leave. Three hundred and fifty million dollars were all for Charlie, and a trophy to keep at home for the rest of his life.

"Cannonball, here I come." He said, starting up the engines.

****

XXX

Outside of Peach Castle, the Mario Brothers and Yoshi were getting all set for their new adventure…and possibly their last. This last Cannonball Run was Mario's final attempt to show Sonic and his goons once and for all how superior a racer he really was. Things had to flow correctly this time…

"Mamma Mia, Mario. What-a makes you so confident that we'll win this-a time?"

"Trust-a me, Luigi." said Mario, unveiling the King Meteor to his brother. "This-a baby can't possibly loose the race. It's-a how you say…undefeatable!"

"Yoshi!"

"And Yoshi here thinks the same way too! Hoo-hoo!" Mario slapped Luigi on the arm like old chums. "Hmmm…I wonder where Peach and Daisy are."

The ladies were waving at them in the distance.

"Mario!" Princess Peach shouted. "Please don't do this. Can't you just reason with him for once? You two have been at this game for far too long."

"I'm-a sorry, Peach. But I'm afraid Sonic and I have a final score to settle! Business, you know?"

"Don't just stand there, Luigi!" A bossy Princess Daisy exclaimed. "Say something to him! I don't want you getting into this cutthroat brawl either!"

But before Luigi could open his mouth, Yoshi wrapped his tongue around his waist and dragged him into the machine. And just when Peach and Daisy had a chance to stop them, Mario sped away as his voice echoed:

"HERE WE GO!"

****

XXX

"And what are you up to at three in the morning, Stewie? An early morning shift at Cold Stone probably?" Brian Griffin had caught Stewie red handed, when he found him sneaking suspiciously into the garage. "Or are you still obsessed with the last Cannonball Run?"

"Brian, I have no time for confrontations!" Stewie threatened him. "For fame and glory, I must do everything in my power to win that race! And I won't let some cheesy second-handed talking beagle get in my way! Victory shall be mine!"

"Whoa! Calm down there." said Brian, hoping to ease the tension escalating. "I didn't say 'stop' or anything. I was going to ask if I could help you out. You know, join you in the race? I'm for the money too."

"Oh…" Stewie pondered. "…well, I can't see a reason why not. All right, then. But I'm going to be the driver! And as the driver you'll have to do everything I tell you, you understand?"

"Fine."

Stewie opened the garage and unveiled the Deep Claw, leaving Brian absolutely stunned.

"Stewie, this is unbelievable. Has…has this been in here all this time? How come Peter has never noticed this lying in our garage?"

"Oh, that's because I bought this blanket off the set of 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone' on eBay. Makes everything invisible, you know. Quite convenient when you have to keep secrets from anyone, except when your name's George W. Bush."

****

XXX

"Come on, Elaine! It'll be fun!" Guybrush Threepwood had spent hours convincing his wife Elaine to hit the streets for the Cannonball Run once again. "I even hired a friend to help us win this time!"

Elaine saw no point resisting it any longer. She had to give in. "All right, Guybrush. You win. But who did you find? Was it Meathook?"

"Nope."

"Otis?"

"Nope."

"Carla?"

"Not exactly."

"Stan?"

"Sorry."

"I give up. Who did you really find to help us win this race?" Elaine was losing her patients to find out. Fortunately enough for Guybrush, he was just standing by at their doorstep. "Well?"

"Elaine, I'd like you to meet…" Guybrush swung open the door to introduce: "…Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"Afternoon, love…oof!" Jack stumbled, tripping over the carpet when he stepped inside. Elaine couldn't help but hide her fit of laughs. "My mate Guybrush here tells me that you're in need of my assistance."

"Why, yes." said Elaine, shaking hands with her guest. "Happy to meet you, Captain Sparrow."

Jack courteously kissed her hand, a little to Guybrush's dismay. But Elaine felt no guilt, and actually blushed from feeling the soft touch of his lips.

"Ahem." Guybrush cleared his throat. "I was told that you had brought us what we needed for the Cannonball."

"Ah yes, boy! If you two follow me outside, Captain Jack Sparrow will be happy to show you!" They stepped outside to behold Sparrow's wondrous machine. "Feast your eyes on the Wonder Wasp! Can run as fast as the wind before you can say Davy Jones!"

"I'm starting to like this guy already, Guybrush." Elaine teased.

"Great…"

****

XXX

Everyone was packed up and ready to leave for New York when they arrived at Chiyo's house. Yukari was especially feeling enthusiastic about the Cannonball Run.

"(This is so incredible! I can just dream about that three hundred and fifty million dollars stuffed in my bath tub!)" She squealed with much anticipation. "(This has to be one of my luckiest days!)"

"(Well, isn't this exciting?)" said Minamo. "(All of us going on a round the world trip, to spend merely a day or two in each country. What a rush it will be!)"

"(May I say without a doubt that we'll be number one in this incredible race!)" Tomo proudly announced. "(Nothing will stop in our path to reach first place, all the way!)"

"(Good morning, everyone!)" Chiyo welcomed her guests. "(Thank you for coming! I'm pleased to introduce you to the Super Piranha. We'll be riding on this machine for the entire race. I will personally be your pilot, navigating everybody through exciting and treacherous places! Please have a wonderful time!)"

"EH!" All were surprised to hear that Chiyo was their driver. None of them knew for sure whether Chiyo had had any car racing experience before.

"(Are you crazy, Chiyo?)" Kagura cried out. "(You're too young to be holding the wheel! You might crash into a supermarket by the minute you reach the end of this block!)"

"(It's okay.)" said Yomi, settling her friends down. "(Chiyo has a special license to participate in car racing competitions. Believe me, she's quite the professional driver. You'll be very surprised.)"

"(I hope none you mind if Tadakichi-san comes along. I wouldn't want to leave him in the house alone. He's been very excited too about this event!)" Chiyo hugged her dog, giving him a kiss on the nose.

"(I guess it'd be better than bringing any cats.)" Sakaki mumbled to herself.

"(It looks like we're all raring to go! Let's do it!)" shouted Osaka, and everyone joined her in chorus.

****

XXX

"Behold Beavis, uh-huh-huh-huh! The Sonic Phantom!" He was astound to see Butt-head's kick-ass machine. "This is gonna be cool! Uh-huh-huh-huh!"

"Yeah! This rocks! Heh-heh-heh!" said Beavis, getting fired up. "First we're gonna win a lot of money, then we'll get a cool trophy, and then we'll score with as many hot chicks as we want! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!"

"I've foreseen a future that the coolest dream we've ever had will soon come true." said Butt-head half dazed. "After this race, we'll be the richest men to walk the Earth."

Just then, however, their school teacher David Van Driessen was passing by the boys.

"Beavis? Butt-head? What are you two up to?" He noticed their extravagant machine and could obviously tell what they were plotting. "You guys aren't racing in that Cannonball again, are you?"

"Uh…yeah." said Butt-head.

"Guys, c'mon. There's so much in this world to endure than just a meaningless race. Once you walk out and explore what Mother Earth really has to offer, you'll learn that you can enjoy all of life's riches in so many different ways. And you'll realize that don't need fame and fortune to be a winner."

"Uh-huh-huh." Butt-head sniggered at Beavis. "He said 'wiener'."

"Oh, yeah. Heh-heh-heh! Wiener…heh-heh-heh!"

Van Driessen shook his head and sighed hopelessly. "Were you two listening to a word I just said?"

"Yeah…wiener! Uh-huh-huh-huh!" Was Butt-head's crude answer.

"Look, you guys. Just forget about this race. It's far too dangerous and I'd hate to imagine attending your funerals…m'kay?"

Van Driessen walked off, leaving the boys to get back to their own business.

"What a dork!" said Butt-head.

"Yeah! And a wiener!" Added Beavis.

****

XXX

"Kyle, why the hell is Stan coming with us?"

"Because he wants to win the Cannonball with us."

"Then, why's Kenny coming?"

"Because his family needs the prize money!"

"Then, why's Tweek coming?"

"Because his parents left town and he has to stay with us!"

"Then, why's Chef coming?"

"Because I'm the only one who can drive you children." Chef replied, before Kyle was to go nuts over Eric Cartman's pointless questions. "Oh, yeah! Three hundred and fifty million smackers and a gold trophy are waiting just around the corner!"

"What are we going to drive, Chef?" asked Stan. "Your car's being repaired. So how are we going to race without a car?"

"Car? Who needs that when I have the Crazy Bear?" Chef opened up his garage to reveal his surprise to the boys. "My, oh my! I can already smell a winner here!"

"AH!" Tweek cried, far too shocked to see how incredibly capable the machine appeared to be.

"Mmmmphpmhmmmmphmm."

"This is no time for sick jokes, Kenny." Cartman remarked, far too distracted in wonder. "We've got a race to catch!"

****

XXX

Billy and Jimmy Lee had fought countless thugs on the streets. Eventually they made enough money to found their own training school. On occasions, visitors would come knocking at their door for trouble, or they were simply looking for a challenge. But for them, they hadn't met any challenge greater than their Hong Kong counterparts, Yun and Yang Lee, otherwise known as the Lee Brothers…

"Okay! You win, you two!" panted Jimmy out of breath.

"Man, you guys never fail to put up a good fight for me and Jimmy!" said Billy. Yun and Yang helped them up onto their feet and their shook their hands for a good training. "Guess we'll have to boost our workout schedule again!"

"(Yun, I think it's time for us to leave.)" Yang whispered. "(We mustn't waste time for the Cannonball.)"

"(Yes, agreed.)"

Yun and Yang bid their friends a quick goodbye and rushed outside to switch on the Twin Noritta.

****

XXX

"Your name?"

"Iorek Byrnison."

"Welcome aboard, Iorek." said Artemis Fowl, escorting the armored bear to his machine, the Great Star. "Lyra has told me fascinating tales about you in Svalbard. I was more than eager to hire you as my new bodyguard for the Cannonball Run. Unfortunately for Butler, he's apparently got an acute case of a horrendous flu."

"Know the Cannonball will not be a simple task to accomplish, Artemis." Iorek's incredibly low voice nearly made Artemis think he was talking to an old tree.

"Absolutely." He concurred. "That's the reason why I'm a hundred and ten percent confident that the Great Star will not fail us on our mission! By the time we return, I'll be swimming in a pool of pennies, while you I suppose, would perhaps desire to purchase armor of a better craft."

Iorek moaned. He wasn't too amused to hear Artemis criticizing about his appearance.

****

XXX

Fat Albert and his friends were going nutty over the Cannonball Run. Assembled at their usual hang-out, the junkyard, the boys were about to receive the surprise of their life.

"Hey-hey-hey!" said Fat Albert. "Where's the big surprise you have for us, Rudy?"

"Say hello to our path to glory, the Iron Tiger!" Rudy flamboyantly presented. He wiped a speck of dust off the wind shield, keeping the machine the cleanest ever. "Made it all by myself!"

Mushmouth spoke Ubbi Dubbi, which obviously nobody understood except Weird Harold.

"Mushmouth asked how fast this thing moves." He said.

"I'd say as fast as Rudy's mouth!" Russell remarked with a mild chuckle.

"Gee, Fat Albert. I wonder if we'll all be able to fit inside that machine." said Bill, implying nothing whatsoever to Fat Albert's physical shape. The Iron Tiger looked tight to squeeze in, but Rudy had made sure that it could support all of them.

"Can you drive, Fat Albert?" Bucky asked.

"No problem! I just passed my driver's test in school." Fat Albert waved his certificate in his hand to confirm it, alongside some other piece of material work that required completion. "That reminds me, I still have this math assignment to hand in tomorrow! It's heavy on the head!"

"I got it down cold!" said Dumb Donald. "Ask me anything!"

"Okay." Fat Albert dug through one of the questions. "If you got a quarter in one pocket and forty cents in the other, what do you have?"

"Somebody else's pants!"

****

XXX

"Amy!" Sonic the Hedgehog cried in shear panic. "Don't touch that!"

"No need to get excited. I wasn't going to ride on it or anything." she said. Sonic never guessed that Amy would have stumbled across the Queen Meteor, the bitter rival to Mario's King Meteor. "Sonic, do you really think this race is going to solve everything between you and Mario?"

"That plumber blubber?" Sonic snorted, crossing his arms. "Amy, this love-hate relationship between him and me is going to end for good, this year on this race!"

"Sonic." said Tails. "Haven't you ever tried just talking to Mario for once? Maybe trying to settle out your differences?"

"No! This last Cannonball is going to decide which one of us is TRULY the best racer between us!" Sonic boasted on. "Or else I may not be the fastest hedgehog in the world!"

"Strong words for someone who's got strong guts in him." Knuckles stepped into the discussion. "I see no reason why I shouldn't drop out of this race…perhaps it's the money."

"Glad to have you in, Knuckles." Sonic smiled.

"Here we go again." Amy muttered.

****

XXX

"(Good morning, my friends!)" Gazpacho shouted, stretching out his jolly smile. "(How's everybody doing today?)"

"(Okay.)" said Mochilo with a loud yawn. "(We were up past the middle of the night fixing up the Astro Robin. Where were you that time?)"

"(I…)" Gazpacho thought of the first excuse that sprung to his mind. "(…I had a fever last night and I had to stay sick at home. But I feel a lot better today, especially when we're going to the Cannonball Run!)"

"(That's god to hear, Gazpacho.)" said Pincho. "(Maybe you won't mind then, driving us all the way to New York. We hardly got any sleep last night, but you seem fresh as a daisy.)"

"(I…I…)"

"(Yes.)" Kumba couldn't agree with her buddies more. "(Gazpacho, I'm sure you'll be delighted to contribute to our team and kindly take us to New York!)"

"Ay…" Gazpacho was forced to surrender to them. "(This is not the life for me.)"

****

XXX

"Beware and heed my words! For the Black Bull will crush all who oppose the victor of the Cannonball Run!" Lord Voldemort grinned demonically at his most sinister creation. "They will feel my wrath for speed from the moment I crush their pitiful machines! They will…"

"Lord?" Draco Malfoy interrupted. "Shouldn't we be off to New York?"

"Don't interfere in my entrance, boy!" Voldemort snapped. "If you desire so much to enter this race, you must first learn to respect your master! Snape, I appoint you in charge of him at all times!"

"Very well." said Severus Snape, taking the teenager under his guard. "I suggest we leave Hogwarts fairly soon, before anyone spots us."

"Yes…" Voldemort hissed. "Into the Black Bull, immediately!"

****

XXX

Diego had kindly finished the last few tweaks on the Mighty Hurricane. Dora and Boots couldn't have been any more thankful for his help.

"There you go, Dora! All ready to go!" said Diego, wiping his hands with a cloth. "I promise you and Boots are going to enjoy this race!"

"Thanks, Diego!" Boots danced with delight.

Dora wanted to thank Diego too, but realized that she had her viewers to keep entertained. "Hey, can YOU help us spot the Mighty Hurricane?"

A moment of silence, until Diego blurted: "Dora…it's right next to you."

"Oh…right! Let's go, Boots!"

****

XXX

"This Cannonball is going to be fun!" said Calvin. He couldn't sit still on the Mad Wolf and caused the machine to bounce continuously. "Just think about that Cannonball Cup, ol' buddy!"

"The Mad Wolf should be able to withstand all sorts of weather conditions." said Hobbes, getting inside with his friend. "And it's pretty indestructible."

Putting on their helmets and fastening their seatbelts. Calvin roared up the engines and they were off like the speed of the devil.

****

XXX

"(For the last time, Obelix. The Romans are not involved in the Cannonball Run!)" Asterix reminded his friend for the tenth time. "(Even Dogmatix here knows well enough about that!)"

Dogmatix barked wildly with excitement.

"(It's not fair!)" Obelix moaned grumpily, kicking dirt. "(Asterix gets to steer the Mighty Typhoon, but what will I get to do for fun?)"

"(Now, don't worry, Obelix.)" said Panoramix, preparing a supply of his magic potion for Asterix. "(There'll be plenty of danger afoot on this race, and a lot of competition. You never know when Asterix will be in need of that little bit of extra help.)"

Obelix hoped so. He was plotting on how to convince Asterix in offering him a small sample of the magic potion at some point. Panoramix wouldn't even give him a drop if his life depended on it.

****

XXX

"Adrian Mole is a charming but peculiar fellow, indeed. We met for lunch today quite casually, despite the fact that I had dressed formally. I must have mixed my dates up with Darcy at Gordon Ramsey's tomorrow…never mind. It seems like men these days aren't looking out for women at all. All this commotion about the last Cannonball Run has severely gripped every nation of our world. And I'm afraid to say that Adrian's become a victim to it. He asked me if I was interested in joining him on the Red Gazelle (something he designed himself), but of course, I declined his offer. I just pray to God that Darcy hasn't plummeted into this same madness as well. Please?" (-Bridget Jones)

"The Red Gazelle is complete! After pointlessly spending thousands of pounds, I've finally brought my creation to life! It's off to New York tomorrow with high spirits, and I can hardly wait! I hope Pandora will be watching me on the television while I'm away, because this race is all for her. I'll be coming back to her with a truck load of money outside her doorstep before this year ends, along with the Cannonball Cup in my bare hands! All this excitement has even made me soil my pants. Dear God…" (-Adrian Mole)

****

XXX

Dim, Pete and George couldn't sit much longer on the cold bench. Their teeth were chattering and their bodies were shivering from the windy night. They had been waiting almost an hour for Alex to return with his surprise for the Cannonball Run. It was almost becoming a joke to them.

"Where's that bratchny?" Dim moaned, losing his patients "He should have been here ages ago!"

"Perhaps he's off with some devotcha." said Pete.

"Cal!" George spat on the floor, fed up with waiting. "I'll whack him in the gulliver and kick him in the yarbles if he doesn't show up soon!"

Their prayers were answered when Alex finally returned…in his expensive machine.

"Appy polly loggies, my droogs!" said Alex, apologizing for his late arrival. "Say hello to the Wild Boar!"

****

XXX

"(Roll call! Shinobu Maehara!)"

"(Here!)"

"(Sara McDougal!)"

"(Here!)"

"(Naru Narusegawa!)"

"(Here!)"

"(Keitaro Urashima!)"

"(Ah!)" Keitaro awoke at once when Naru nudged him from his sleep. "(Um, here! Sorry!)"

"(Tama-chan!)"

The turtle waved up her hand.

"(Kaolla Su…! Kaolla Su…? Where's Kaolla Su…? Oh, wait! That's me!)" Kaolla ticked off her own name, but she noticed that there was one person too many within the group. Some intruder was attempting to sneak into the Cannonball Run with them! "(A-ha! We have a spy! Show yourself!)"

"(It's okay, Kaolla.)" said Haruka Urashima, sweeping with her broom. "(I'm just cleaning up the place here. Keitaro…Naru…take care of yourselves on this trip. And make sure Kaolla knows where she's going. You never know where she'll take you if you're not careful.)"

"(Yes.)" They both nodded.

"(Okay, everybody!)" Kaolla led her group inside of her room. "(As promised, I have prepared a special machine that will boost our chances of winning the Cannonball Run! So be happy because we'll earn that Cannonball Cup soon! I present you with…the Green Panther!)"

Gasps escaped the group at the sight of Kaolla's remarkable machine when she pulled away the blankets.

"(Um…Kaolla?)" Naru asked. "(How are we going to get this machine outside the apartment?)"

"(I haven't thought about that, sorry!)"

****

XXX

"It's ready, sir." Krupp opened the Death Anchor to kindly let his master inside. "Built as you had requested."

"Excellent, Krupp." said Electra. "Know this, people. For I, Electra, shall win the Cannonball and prove to everyone that this electric train is the fastest on the tracks!"

"I shall take care of the prize money on your return, sir." said Purse.

"I shall repair the Death Anchor if it is damaged, sir." said Wrench.

"I shall demolish the one who defeats you on your victory if you loose, sir." said Joule.

Volta, the freezer truck, hadn't anything much to say and she briefly hesitated. "Um…stay cool, sir."

"Thank you, my friends! I shall return a happy train!" Electra laughed and wave them goodbye, blasting away at the speed of lightning.

****

XXX

"They say you're the best guy in town." Christopher Moltisanti was happy to do work with Tommy Vercetti, after reading his records and infamous experience with driving. "And I like the name of your machine…Big Fang."

"It's a living." said Tommy, patting the Big Fang like his pet. "No cop can get me arrested when I'm with this baby."

"That's good to hear." said a male anonymous voice. "Because we're coming too."

Out from the shadows of the parking lot stepped A.J., accompanied by his sister, Meadow. It was clear they had followed Christopher to this deserted place.

"What are you two doin' here?" said Christopher, rather agitated.

"We overheard about the Cannonball." replied Meadow. "We were too intrigued. May we join you?"

There wasn't time to argue. Christopher was about to 'no', but he had no choice. "Fine…but get goin'. We gotta race to catch!"

****

XXX

"Ten thousand thundering typhoons!" Captain Haddock exclaimed inside the Space Angler. "I can't even read this tiny manual! I don't know why Tintin wanted me to bring you three to the Cannonball race!"

While Tintin had other pressing matters to attend to, he had left Captain Haddock with Milou and the twins Dupond and Dupont. Thanks to the intelligent mind of Professor Tryphon Tournesol, the Space Angler was more than likely to gain them first place. Milou was so wild over the event, that Dupond was having trouble keeping him firm.

"Milou seems unusually lively today." said Dupont.

"Must have been something he ate this afternoon." said Dupond, struggling ever so hard. "Perhaps that missing can of coffee back home had something to do with this!"

****

XXX

"(All set to go.)" Tuxedo Kamen had taken good care of the Super Cat in favor for the Outer Senshi. "(I've kept this secret well away from Sailor Moon. She might have grown envious if she ever heard you were entering the Cannonball Run again.)"

"(It's fine, Tuxedo Kamen.)" said Setsuna. "(As you know, Uranus is a professional racer. We shouldn't run into too much trouble with the other competitors.)"

"(I wonder whether we'll see those girls again. I heard Lara and Joanna have found new allies.)" said Haruka, unsure about what faces to expect in this race.

"(You needn't worry about them.)" said Michiru. "(I doubt they will ever outrun us.)"

Hotaru was delighted to have joined the Cannonball Run one more time too. "(Come on, everyone!)" she said. "(Let's leave before the sun comes up!)"

It was nearly approaching dawn, and the Outer Senshi rushed into their machine and raced through the empty suburban streets of Tokyo without being noticed.

****

XXX

Smith snatched the advertisement from the wall. The last Cannonball Run was going to be held in New York, with three hundred and fifty million dollars in prize along with the famous Cannonball Cup. He grinned demonically and scrunched up the paper.

"Just as I had foreseen." He said, creeping into a dark alleyway towards his hidden machine. "It appears I may have found a new rival on this occasion."

He stepped inside his Super Falcon, and switched on the power.

****

XXX

Deep in the darkest deserts, Spawn was preparing himself for the Cannonball Run. Having shamelessly failed last time, he had decided to enter the race solo with his own masterful creation under his cape: the Super Stingray. With its excellent boost power, protective body, excellent grip and indefinable speed, this was promised to make him the winner indeed.

"It's time to take up the speed again." He said. "This time, I shall stand victorious!"

****

XXX

"Leave me alone, Odie." Garfield was in no mood to play games in the morning. The poor cat had hardly any sleep last night. But Odie was especially persistent today, for he had news that was likely to spark his attention. "What's wrong, Odie? Can't you see I'm sleeping?"

Odie's loud barking wasn't loud enough to get Garfield up on his heels. It wasn't until Jon Arbuckle marched in to shout in his ear:

"Wake up Garfield! We're going to the Cannonball Run!"

"Cannonball. Shmannonball. You guys go ahead. I'll be sleeping here all day." It took merely seconds for Garfield to realize what Jon was referring to. He shot out from bed like a bullet and rubbed his eyes. "Did you say the Cannonball Run?"

Jon nodded. "Just think, Garfield. In a few months time, you'll be surrounded by mountains of hot sizzling lasagna! As for myself, I'll have to see if we could move into a bigger and better house!"

"With a swimming pool and tennis court?" Garfield's sweet kitten eyes sparkled.

"Oh, yes." Jon nodded again. "There'll be a swimming pool and tennis court, all right."

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's move!"

Garfield rushed into the garage past Jon and Odie, but was left stunned when he discovered something unusual. Jon never told Garfield or Odie that he had hidden a highly advanced machine in his house for the past few weeks. And now was the time to put it in use.

"Meet the Crazy Horse." said Jon.

"It's…beautiful." Garfield's eyes sparkled again. He could almost cry…

****

XXX

Camp Crystal Lake had never been a safe place to visit since Jason Voorhees drowned there years ago. But now he was but a killing machine with no pity, especially for wondering teenagers foolish enough to encounter him. Tonight, however, a familiar yet unexpected visitor was about to see him…

"Hey, asshole." Freddy Krueger called out from behind a log cabin. "Over here. There's somethin' you and me have to tangle with, right now!"

Jason was happy to oblige. Raising his machete and high and stomping for the kill, he was a inch close to cutting his adversary into half, until Freddy shoved an advertisement of the Cannonball Run into his face. Jason paused, lowering his weapon.

"You see this, Jason?" Freddy grinned with greed written on his teeth. "Think of what we could win if we played our part in this game together. You and me could walk away rich and famous once we're through that finishing line! There's just nothin' we can't accomplish together! So, whaddya say?"

Jason thought about it for moment, until he gave Freddy a nod.

"HA! HA! HA! We're in business!" Freddy cackled, guiding his new friend over to the Dirty Joker, parked neatly by the lake. "Big enough to fit both of us! You won't regret this…pal!"

****

XXX

"What are you staring at?" Sally Brown asked her big brother. "What's Snoopy up to with Woodstock today?"

He was too distracted by Snoppy's machine, the Fire Ball. Built completely out from his back yard, Charlie Brown could have lost his hair from the shock by now, though he hadn't any hair to begin with. Sally hadn't a clue about what was going on. Snoopy and Woodstock looked so happy doing the finishing touches on the Fire Ball, it was if they were going on some grand vacation.

"Sally, do you remember when Snoopy went to compete in the Cannonball Run?" said Charlie. "Well, it looks like he's at it again, and he's taking Woodstock with him this time too."

"What? That isn't fair!" Sally complained, acting rather spoiled. "How come they get to go tour the whole world having fun, while we have to be stuck here? Charlie, you and I are going with Snoopy to help him win!"

"Good grief." Charlie sighed. It was impossible to convince his little sister otherwise. For once her mind was made up, there was no turning back.

****

XXX

Washu Hakubi never stepped out of her laboratory ever since the last Cannonball Run was announced on the news. She had been busy for almost twenty-four-seven concocting her latest flawless invention. Her friends had grown worried due to her absence. And it was after week until a few of them decided to visit her laboratory to investigate.

"(This place is scary, Kiyone.)" said Mihoshi, clutching onto her companion for comfort. The laboratory was mostly unlit and looked haunted. She began to regret coming here in the first place. "(Let's go back before something creepy jumps out!)"

"(Don't worry, Mihoshi.)" said Kiyone, leading her group with her trusty flashlight. "(Nothing's going to jump out at us.)"

"(Don't panic.)" said Rumiya in his bird form.

Misao was also feeling nervous, despite having Rumiya on her shoulder. "(Sasami-chan, is it right for us to be here?)" she asked meekly, tugging firmly onto her shirt.

"(It's okay, Misao-chan.)" Sasami assured. "(We'll be fine, trust me.)"

"(Sheesh.)" Ryo-Ohki whispered into Sasami's ear. "(Washu's been seriously worked up on something lately. Why hasn't she told any of us about what's going on?)"

Sasami told Ryo-Ohki to hush when she heard something clatter ahead. A huge stage suddenly lit up before the gang while light beams burst open, nearly blinding them. Nobody knew what the hell was happening, but they were soon to find out when Washu proudly appeared.

"(Ladies and gentlemen!)" she announced with her microphone. "(Come and feast your eyes on the future of Cannonball racing! After several intensive days of excruciating work, I am most honored to introduce you all to my most dazzling masterpiece, the Silver Thunder! The most technologically advanced and computerized machine to enter the Cannonball Run this year!)"

****

XXX

The CSI team in Las Vegas were in need for a break from their countless investigations. The Cannonball Run was too tempting, and it was the perfect opportunity for them to earn extra cash for all their hard work. Dr. Gil Grissom had prepared their machine in advance, which was likely to please anyone who set eyes upon it.

"What did you say this machine was called?" Warrick asked, having misheard what Grissom had said. "The Manta Ray?"

"No, the Stingray." he replied. "I've done tests on it already. It's fit as a fiddle and ready for the Cannonball."

"I hope nothing happens while we're gone." said Catherine.

"I think it's time we gave a break on investigation work." said Nick. "And started globetrotting for our lives on this race."

"Hmm…what to do with three hundred and fifty million dollars." Sara pondered to herself.

Sofia was thinking alike. "Hmm…what to do with three hundred and fifty million dollars." Her first cheeky instinct was to hire a hit man to dispose of Sara, but that'd be too harsh.

****

XXX

"The time has come." Announced the superior Father, with the Delightful Children as his only audience. "The Cannonball is at hand, and with the Jet Vermilion by your side, nothing will stand in your way!"

"Yes, Father." said the Delightful Children, with satanic grins.

"Then go forth! Go and win the Cannonball by whatever means necessary! Do not let other impudent bystander get in your way! Is that clear?"

"As clear as glass, Father. We won't fail you." The Delightful Children laughed robotically as they entered the Jet Vermilion.

****

XXX

"HOOOEEE!" Sakura Kinomoto couldn't believe her eyes when she stepped out of her house to see what Yue and Cerberus had built for her. "(Kero-chan! What's this supposed to be?)"

"(Don't you remember, Sakura?)" said Cerberus, raising a brow. "(You're entering the Cannonball Run…with our fresh machine, the Hot Violet!)"

"(WHAT?)" Sakura recoiled in shock. "(I never said anything about going on that race! Kero-chan, what's going on?)"

Before he could answer, Sakura's friends turned up, with Toya lagging behind with everyone's bags. It looked as if they were going on an immediate holiday. None of this made any sense to her at all.

"(Hi, Sakura!)" Meiling waved. "(Since you were so busy at cheerleading practice yesterday, I told Kero that you'd be more than happy to help us win the Cannonball Run! Hope you don't mind!)"

"Hoe…" Sakura started to sweat drop.

Tomoyo was filming her as usual with her camera, elated to hear that they were all participating on this glorious race. "(Think of what might happen, Sakura-chan! If we win, you'll become really famous! You'll be on the cover of everyone magazine in the world!)"

"(I don't see why I have to be dragged into this.)" said Syaoran.

"(Don't be dense, Syaoran!)" Meiling tugged his shirt, hissing threateningly in his ear. "(I want you and Sakura to spend some quality time together during this trip!)"

"(You children appear rather young to drive.)" Yue said, pondering. "(But I'm sure Toya would be fit to help you on that problem.)"

"(Big Brother!)" Sakura pleaded to him. "(Please drive for us! I'll do all the house chores for the next month if you come!)"

Toya had just finished loading the luggage into Hot Violet, and now her little sister was begging him to drive for them. But her favor she promised in exchange sounded awfully rewarding.

"(I suppose I can't resist this deal. So you've got yourself a driver.)" He said, smiling in victory.

****

XXX

There was no time to work with SD-6 for now. Sydney Bristow was on her own pursuing the Cannonball Run. And with her trustful machine, the Fighting Comet, the prize was surely to be hers. So after strapping up and switching on the power, she was ready to embark on perhaps one of her most life-risking endeavors.

"Time to play."

****

XXX

"The game, they say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don't. My mother was one of the greats. Me on the other hand, I'm kind of screwed."

Everybody stared at Dr. Meredith Grey peculiarly talking to herself.

"Are you okay?" asked Izzie. "Did you say you had something to show us?"

Meredith and her friends had worked for a solid two weeks to build the J.B. Crystal, somewhat isolating them from their internship program. They weren't patient to waste any more time, as the Cannonball Run was drawing closer.

"I'd like you to meet, Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing."

The grotesque doctor made his appearances among the interns, leaving them all pale in the face. It was lucky (or unlucky) for Meredith that she had found a special doctor who had experienced previous Cannonball Run occasions before.

"At your service!" Van Helsing coughed atrociously and wiped his hand on George's shirt. "No need for applause people, I've ridden through this race as hard as a kick in the teeth!"

"This isn't good." said Alex, shaking his head.

"Tell me this is a joke." said George, ignoring the ghastly stains on his shirt. "I think he might be a little overqualified for this race."

Cristina couldn't bear to see Van Helsing drinking from his own syringe. "Are you sure you're a real doctor?" she asked.

"Damn straight!"

****

XXX

Misato led the team into one of Gendo Ikari's secret garages. One of which held an important key for Shinji and the girls to aid them in the Cannonball Run. After a while of riding down elevator to elevator, Asuka was starting to question how deep they were underneath the ground.

"(How much further do we have to go?)" she asked rather impatiently. "(We could dig our way to the South Pole at this rate.)"

"(Here we are, finally!)" Misato escorted them out of their last elevator and switched on the lights in the garage.

In front of them sat something unusual that looked made especially to fit Shinji, Rei and Asuka. It wasn't as shocking as another Angel, but Shinji was curious to know what this machine had to serve.

"(What's this, Misato?)" Shinji asked.

"(The Falcon MK-II.)" Misato checked the spelling on her documents. "(Gendo's been saving it, especially for this event. He personally wants you to pilot it. And he wants you three to work together and earn what you deserve.)"

"Baka!" Asuka threatened Shinji, poking at him. "(You better not screw us up on this! You realize what the Cannonball Run means to all of us, right?)"

"(Um…y-yes.)"

"(I'm sure this will be the perfect opportunity for you three to prove yourselves as good racers.)" Misato chuckled. "(Rei, try not to let Asuka hassle Shinji too much on this trip. And make sure the Falcon's in good condition at all times, okay?)"

"(Yes.)" she responded.

****

XXX

"You've really made me proud, Fearless Leader." Dick Dastardly didn't know how to repay his chum when he showed him the Dark Schneider. Muttley, not surprisingly, had nothing to say but sniggered. "This machine is all I need to win the Cannonball Run!"

"Take care of it well, my friend." said Fearless Leader. "I have business to attend to with Moose and Squirrel. I wish you luck on your success."

"The same to you. When I return, I'll be stinking richer than Bill Gates and Ted Turner combined! YA! HA! HA! HA! HAAA!" Dastardly cackled excessively, making Muttley and Fearless Leader feel unnerved. "Do excuse me…I was thinking of something very funny."

****

XXX

Professor Utonium predicted that the Powerpuff Girls were entering the Cannonball Run this year, as it was to be its last. To avoid wasting time for them, he constructed a machine in his laboratory in secrecy to make it a surprise.

"You can open your eyes now, girls."

Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup felt they were already in Heaven when they glimpsed at Professor Utonium's gift. The Silver Rat, as it was named, was the perfect ticket for the girls to win first place.

"All right, Professor!" Buttercup yelled.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Bubbles hugged the Professor, kissing his cheek a dozen times.

"Gosh, Professor. I don't know what to say…boy, that's a really fancy job you did there! Thanks!" said Blossom. "This is definitely a promising start for us."

"Absolutely." he replied. "But remember to brush your teeth twice a day, and don't talk to any strangers along the way! I've packed your pajamas for bedtime and medication in case you girls get sick! And don't forget to write!"

****

XXX

"GRR! What are you doing on my machine? I never asked you to come!"

Montana Max was blowing his lid when he discovered Elmyra waiting inside the Fat Shark. It appeared that she also brought along some 'friends' to come join her. Buster and Babs Bunny were tied up together, while Pinky and the Brain were locked up tight in their cage.

"Oh! Monty!" said Elmyra, already setting hearts for eyes. "I heard about you going on this Cannonball race, and I couldn't think about what dangers you might fall into! I want to sit through it all together with you!"

"Gosh, Brain. I'm beginning to think that she's kookier than me. Narf!" said Pinky.

"Hiya, toonsters!" said Buster. "It appears that Babs and I have gotten ourselves into a little sticky situation. But no worries, we're not getting out of this tangle. You know why? It's because we're off to the Cannonball Run! The Cannonball Run is…"

"Buster, we're past halfway through the first chapter of this story." Babs interjected. "They know what the Cannonball's about already. Best give it a break, okay?"

Brain was keeping thoughts to himself, considering what to do after they had won the race. He was most likely devising to take over the world with the grand prize money. "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"Wuh, I think so, Brain. But pants with horizontal stripes make me look chubby."

****

XXX

"Just what in blazes are you three up to this time?"

Jack Skellington was woken during the night to find Lock, Shock and Barrel causing an awful disturbance in Halloween Town…or what was left of it. Their Pink Spider had caused mass damage property around the town in only minutes, and they were only giving it a short test run.

"Sorry, Jack, We're testing out the Pink Spider for the race!" said Lock.

"At three in the morning?" Jack exclaimed, pointing at the clock tower. "Don't you have better places to carry out your mischief? This is certainly neither the time nor place!"

"Don't worry about it." said Shock. "We'll fix this town right up with the money we'll win!"

As far as Jack believed, he highly doubted that they'd even reach halfway through the Cannonball Run.

"See you round, Jack!" chuckled Barrel.

****

XXX

"Let me see now…"

Jeannie was thinking hard about what sort of machine would best fit her for the Cannonball Run. It was a tough decision, for there was bound to be much competition, and changing her mind during the race was liable to get her disqualified. So she thought and thought, until finally she made up her mind.

With a blink of an eye, she summoned the Spark Moon.

****

XXX

"SSSSSMOKIN!"

The Mask was being pursued by several police cars, after having dangerously crossed the road on a red light. With the Groovy Taxi, he was giving the law a hectic night. They knew nothing about his intentions to enter the Cannonball Run once again, which would perhaps explain why he was speeding so much as well.

****

XXX

"Oh, Popeye! I just can't wait!" said Olive Oyl, admiring Popeye the sailor carrying the Cosmic Dolphin onto his shoulder. "I can't believe we're going to the Cannonball Run to compete! This is so exciting!"

Popeye chuckled, mumbling under his breath. "This machine's heavier than my ship back in the yard…isn't that odd? And I thought Bluto weighed more than a ton of bricks."

Meanwhile in Olive's fishbowl, SpongeBob Squarepants and Patrick Star were just as head over heels for the race.

"This is great, Patrick!" said SpongeBob, dancing with his best friend. "We'll become famous if we come first place in the Cannonball Run!"

"…huh, what?" Patrick frowned.

"The Cannonball Run? You know the race Popeye and Olive been raving about for the past week?"

"…uh…what's a Cannonball Run?"

"It's an illegal global race where hundreds of racers gather to compete for first place and win a whole chunk of money! That'll be us if we do our best, old buddy!"

"Um, SpongeBob…who's Popeye and Olive?"

"Never mind."

****

XXX

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman had been a harsh man for years, training worthless maggots to become literal killing machines. Many of the men he'd trained had gone away to become famous heroes for their country. And one of them was paying him a surprise visit…

"Well, look who came crawling back into the shit hole?" Hartman grinned, spitting on the floor. "I never expected to see your huge ass find its way back here with your tiger penis stench!"

"It's been a while, Sergeant." Duke Nukem saluted. "I hear you have the Rolling Turtle ready to go… you piss sucking bastard."

Hartman would have shot him square in the balls if he was one of his cadets. But with his close friendship, things were a little different. "Gotta love your clowny attitude, boy! You never cease to amaze me when you slap that horse shit all over my god damn face! Follow me!"

Hartman brought Duke Nukem to his secret garage.

"I call her one hell of a god damn beauty!" he praised as he unveiled the machine. "Say hello to the misses!"

The Rolling Turtle made Duke's sunglasses clatter to the ground. He was so tempted to say the f-word, but remembered that he was starring in a family film.

****

XXX

"Ta-da!" Death had surprised her brother Dream with the Magic Seagull. "Got this baby off Constantine. Said he didn't need it no more. Can run as fast as Lucifer himself."

"I don't see what good you will find out of this race." said Dream. "Wasn't last time's adventure satisfactory enough for you?"

"Let's just say I've got an itch for a certain gold trophy." she replied, hopping into her machine. "Come on, we don't want to be late."

Dream got inside quickly and they left, leaving Cain and Abel behind to watch.

"They forgot to say goodbye to us, Cain." said Abel.

"Hey, what's that on your shirt?" Cain made his gullible friend glance down at his own shirt, only to receive a stabbing through the stomach with a letter opener. Abel collapsed, dead as he always ended up every day. "Hmm…I really must find better ways of killing him…I know! Next time I'll use dynamite!"

****

XXX

Outside of Taiyo High School, Natsu Ayuhara was meeting up with Hinata and Sakura. Little did she know what they were up to…

"EH?" Natsu dropped her sports bag when she saw the Bunny Flyer. That was the only hint she needed to believe that her friends were at it for the Cannonball Run again. "(Please tell me this is a joke! I can't believe you two still think that you can win this race! It's impossible!)"

"(Don't worry, Natsu-chan!)" said Hinata, zipping up her blue jumpsuit. "(We survived the last race, we can do it this race too! But we'll win for sure! Sakura and I have studied all our mistakes and we're more than certain that we'll be the winners! There won't be any errors whatsoever, I guarantee!)"

"(Um…Hinata-chan.)" said Sakura. "(There's one problem. We're out of Pocky sticks! We can't race without them!)"

"(Even the mint ones?)"

Sakura nodded.

"EH!" Hinata shuffled her hair stressfully. "(This can't be! We had everything correctly in order, and now this! Quickly! To the convenience store!)"

"(Yes!)" Sakura saluted and hopped into the Bunny Flyer with Hinata, Batmobile style. "(Did you bring enough yen, Hinata-chan?)"

"EEEEEEH!"

Natsu couldn't help but smile with disbelief, shaking her head. "(When will they ever learn?)"

****

XXX

"Sportacus, what happened to your airship?" asked Stephanie, finding no sign of it anywhere. "If we don't leave LazyTown soon, we may not make it in time for the Cannonball Run."

Sportacus just laughed in amusement. "No worries, Stephanie. I've found something much smaller, but much quicker, and much easier to navigate! It's the Rainbow Phoenix!"

The Rainbow Phoenix was a crime to dislike in Stephanie's eyes. She had wished that her friends in LazyTown were around to see it right now, but time was pressing and they were to leave soon.

"Boy! This'll be fun!" Stephanie cheered excitedly. "When I grow up, I'd like to become one of the greatest Cannonballers in the whole wide world! Just like Jill Rivers and Marcie Thatcher when they won the first Cannonball race! I'd love to meet them someday!"

Sportacus wasn't stupid enough to neglect the papers, but he was aware, like many other people, that nobody had seen the two Lamborghini girls for over two decades. It would have seemed that they had simply disappeared off the face of car racing fame entirely. Whether they were dead or alive was another big question. But this was probably a debate best steered away from Stephanie's ears. As much as she strongly idolized them, it'd be unwise to make her upset.

****

XXX

Richie Rich was having a hard time trying to control Little Lulu and Little Audrey, whose families had left them in his care while they were away. What they didn't know was that Richie himself was going away to New York, to enter the Cannonball Run.

"Be careful, Lulu." said Richie Rich. "The Chrono Symphony is a very delicate machine. Now remember, I'm only taking you and Audrey on this race because your parents have put you strictly under my custody."

"Hmm? Did you say something, Richie?" Lulu wasn't any attention and was far too distracted by the Chrono Symphony's design.

"Look at me!" Audrey was in the pilot's seat, much to Richie's shock. "I'm a Cannonballer! I could drive faster than those cop cars like you see on 'Cops'!" She mistakenly stepped on the accelerator, rocketing out of the garage and crashing through the gates of Richie's mansion. "HELP! Somebody stop this crazy thing!"

****

XXX

Spoiled Princess Devilotte was not happy by the rate in which Dr. Stein and Jigoku were working at. She could very well scream at any given second…

"WHAT'S TAKING SO DAMN LONG!" She shrieked, shaking up her entire mansion. "I wanted you two to get El Dorado ready this morning! What were you two doing last night, midnight bingo?"

"My Princess, even hard workers like ourselves need their rest. But rest assure, your machine is almost finished as you requested." said Dr. Stein. "Just a few more minutes and we'll have everything…"

"No excuses! I want my machine to be the main attraction of the Cannonball race! For in time, everyone will bow down to Princess Devilotte de Deathsatan IX, once she's crossed that finishing line, leaving those other puny Cannonballers in the dust! El Dorado's going to win me the fortune I so much deserve! El Dorado must conquer all! AH, HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAAAA!!"

Jigoku was growing to think that Devilotte was even crazier than him. Her devilish cackling was very unnerving.

****

XXX

"Morning, Bert!" Ernie greeted, disturbing his friend from reading his morning newspapers. "Hope you had pleasant sleep last night!"

"Fine, Ernie." said Bert, his nose stuck into an article about scandals of puppet ventriloquism.

"I also hope you haven't forgotten about today's special occasion!"

"Hmm…?" Bert frowned. "What are you talking about, Ernie? You never told me about anything special today."

"Well, it wouldn't be so special if I told you!" Ernie sniggered. "You wait here, I'll go get the Elegance Liberty!"

Ernie snuck away, leaving Bert to focus back on his reading peacefully. Comfortable as he was sitting, he was suddenly shaken when he heard the sound of engines roaring monstrously from outside. And Bert nearly jumped out of his skin when the Elegance Liberty crashed through the wall, wreaking apart half of the house.

"Ernie! What on Earth are you thinking?" he shouted. "Are you trying to send me to hospital?"

"Nope! Today, you and I are going to the Cannonball Run to compete for first prize!"

"At the cost of ruining our house?"

"Don't worry, Bert! We won't ever be coming back here for the rest of the movie!" Ernie sniggered again. "Let the film producers pay for the damage!"

****

XXX

"Sora! Hey, Sora! Wake up!" Kairi shook him on the shoulder. Sora, not having had much sleep last night, moaned painfully as he tiredly opened his eyes. "Wake up, sleepy head! Come outside and see what Riku's made for us!"

Sora quickly put on his clothes and ran outside to the beach to see what was going on in Destiny Islands. His jaw dropped immediately when his sight caught the Dragon Bird. Now he remembered about today; they were all leaving home to take on the Cannonball Run once again.

"All right!" Sora shouted, jumping into the machine. "Riku, you must have worked all night building this thing!"

"Not exactly, Sora." said Riku. "I had a little help from Kairi this morning. I suppose you wouldn't care to drive us for the race? After all, you are the Keybearer."

"Come on, Sora!" Roxas slapped him on the shoulder. "This is the last chance for us guys to win first place! Why not do a favor for all of us?"

"Sure thing!" Sora smiled, giving a thumb up.

"Kairi." Naminé whispered in her ear. "Should we tell Sora that he's put his pants on in reverse?"

Kairi tried to hide her giggles when she noticed the zipper behind him. "Let him figure it out himself."

****

XXX

"Greetings, Henry!" said Space Ghost, inviting yet another guest speaker onto his show, 'Space Ghost: Coast to Coast'. "Boy, it sure is an honor to have a Cannonballer here tonight! I hope Moltar didn't hassle you when you arrived."

"Not at all." said Henry Sugar. "In fact, he challenged me to a few games of bridge while we were waiting."

"Hey, man." said Moltar. "The guy's pretty handy. He beat me in every game!"

"Well, isn't that amusing? But just between you and me, Henry, Moltar's never a winner at any game." Space Ghost laughed arrogantly. "Anyway, I hear you brought your racing machine to the show. Would you mind us having a look?"

"Certainly not." A screen cap displayed Henry's machine. "With my Panzer Emerald, I hope to gain the prize money in order to found as many orphanages in the world as possible! Sadly, nearly every casino's shut me down, so I suppose the Cannonball is my last option."

"What? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Zorak's cheeky comment was rewarded when Space Ghost zapped him with his ray beam. "AAH! But it's true!"

"Don't mind Zorak. He sometimes gets out of hand in our shows. But I always win, because I've got the beams!" Space Ghost showed off his macho body at Henry, who had nothing to comment. "We sure have some pretty dumb people on our show, I tell you, Henry…"

"A doughnut is neither dough or a nut!" Brak randomly burst out, only to listen to the soft sound of crickets when silence fell within the show. "Oh, wait a minute. It is made out of dough."

****

XXX

"You sure you can drive this thing, Monica?" Chandler felt unsure whether his wife was man enough to pilot the Moon Shadow. "It is a round the world race. I don't want…"

"Sure I can." Monica switched on the machine and roared the engines. "I sure make a better driver than Ross."

"That's not true!" Ross exclaimed, in extreme defense. "You know I could drive twice as faster than you."

"Okay, people! Let's not get into any confrontations." said Rachel, in an effort to calm things down. "Just remember about the money. Once we win the Cannonball, we'll split the money in equal shares…then I'll keep the trophy for myself…"

****

XXX

"You sure you're not coming, Seifer?"

"I already told you, Rinoa." Seifer crossed his arms, watching Squall and Vincent fix up the racing machine without him. "Once has been enough for me. And I'm through racing. Why don't you and Squall have a ball?" he smirked, leaving the garage.

"Leave him." said Squall. "Whether he joins or not, doesn't make a difference."

"I believe that we're one person short." said Vincent, looking around to see where their fourth party member had gone. "Where's Yuffie?"

"HI!" Yuffie leapt from the ceiling and greeted the group with her childish grin. "That's the great ninja Yuffie to you, Vincent! So how's everything going with the Dragon Bird EX, Squall?"

"The name's Leon." Squall reminded her sternly. "It looks awfully reminiscent to something Riku and Sora were building themselves. Are you sure those blueprints you gave us weren't stolen?"

Yuffie would dare not admit that it was true. "Um…sure! Swear to Leviathan!" Her forced smile didn't convince anybody. They didn't even have to bother asking her the question, as they could have easily figured it out themselves. "Vincent…? You believe me, don't you?"

"Give it up, Yuffie." said Rinoa. "We know what you did. I guess we'll just have to press on with time and have the Dragon Bird EX ready fast. The Cannonball's not far away from now."

****

XXX

"Hey, kids! I'm BA-ACK! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Pee-wee Herman danced onto the stage and greeted his cheering audience. "Now, although CBS has cancelled my show and torn down my entire playhouse, I still have one friend I can always count on! Come out here, Conky!"

"Conky 2000, ready to assist you, Pee-wee!" The anthropomorphic robot greeted, happy to be back in service.

"Hey, Conky! What's the Secret Word of today?" Pee-wee asked, waiting for the word to process out as a card on Conky's front panel. "Today's secret word is…'Cannonball Run'! Conky…what was the name of that big important race I competed in a few years ago?"

"You mean…the Cannonball Run?"

"AAAAAAAAH!" The entire audience screamed at the top of their voices.

"And Conky, do you know what kind of race I'm competing in this year?"

"The Cannonball Run?"

"AAAAAAAAH!" The audience screamed again.

"That's right!" Pee-wee activated a nearby switch and out from the floor came his wondrous machine. "With my genuine Hyper Death Anchor, I'm sure to be number one! And when I come back, I'll claim my show back, and build me a brand new playhouse! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I'm off to the Cannonball Run!"

"AAAAAAAAH!"

"Cannonball Run?"

"AAAAAAAAH!"

"CANNONBALL RUN!"

"AAAAAAAAH!"

"Cannonball Run?"

"AAAAAAAAH!"

"CANNONBALL RUN!"

"AAAAAAAAH!"

"Cannonball Run?"

"That's enough, Conky!" Pee-wee choked. "You're making our throats all sore!"

****

XXX

JoJo Tickle was the only one who knew that Bozo the Clown was leaving the circus today. Following him to his machine, she couldn't imagine what dangers lied ahead for her close friend. It started to make her worried…

"Now don't you worry a thing , JoJo." said Bozo, climbing into his machine. "The Soldier Anchor here will protect me always. You just tell everyone that Bozo's off to the Cannonball again to have another shot in winning!"

"Okay." JoJo said, trying not to feel too pessimistic. "Don't forget to send us a postcard!"

"So long, JoJo! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!"

****

XXX

After hours of hot pursuit, Detective Philip Marlowe had finally caught up with Carmen Sandiego. Standing there on the empty streets, she was impressed by how utterly persistent he was in tracking her down.

"You've come a long, long way, Marlowe. Are you giving up already?" she said patronizingly. "Or are you still awake enough to capture a master criminal tonight?"

"Look, angel. I'm tired." said Marlowe, gasping for breath. "We can either end this wild goose chase the easy way, or the hard way. You can turn around now and let me throw the cuffs on you, or else run for the rest of your life until every stone is turned."

"Hmm…" Carmen rubbed her chin. "…I've got an even better idea."

Right from her sleeves, she slipped out several smoke bombs and chucked them at Marlowe, blinding his vision. He staggered within the thick fog, when he suddenly confronted a red machine that was shooting right at his direction. Marlowe leapt aside immediately, allowing Carmen to escape on her Red Bull.

"Better luck next time, Marlowe." Carmen blew him a kiss farewell. "I'm afraid I have business to attend to elsewhere…concerning a certain race."

****

XXX

Go Mifune was set to ride the Blue Falcon 2 for the next Cannonball race, rather than his usual Mach 5. Thanks to Kenichi, he was able to make this a promising opportunity to win.

"(I suppose my work here is finished.)" said Kenichi, making the last few touches to the machine. "(I wish you the best of luck on the Cannonball.)"

"(Thank you.)" Go shook his hand. "(I'll be thinking about you've said. I won't loose this race!)"

****

XXX

Victor von Doom was delighted to hear that the Cannonball Run was on its final run this year. Although he had no interest to participate, he desired rather to 'interrupt' the race and ensure that made nobody was made superior to himself. Despite being one of the most infamous masterminds in the world, Doom had always kept his pride of being one of the greatest racers in the world. He would stop the Cannonballers at any cost, yet he knew that he could not accomplish this alone…

"This is indeed a fine lair you have." Cyborg Superman commented, admiring the sophisticated technology and machinery his ally owned.

"Mr. Henshaw. I believe you have heard that the last Cannonball race is being held soon?" said Dr. Doom. "It has occurred to me that one of these foolish contestants will attempt to overthrow my personal reputation. I shall need your assistance in order to prevent any Cannonballer from gaining victory."

"Understood, Doom. But however do you intend to stop them when their numbers are so many?"

"That is where your part comes in…friend."

****

XXX

Down at the Pinto Ranch, Hymie Kaplan was reading the morning newspaper. Just shortly after the funeral, he never suspected to read what was printed on the front page. Even the Bully Brothers were alarmed to see that the Cannonball Run was still alive.

"Well, I'll be an uncle of a chimpanzee! So the rat's left some dough behind, eh?" said Hymie, drinking his glass of brandy. "Well, I'm sure you pretty young girls will have no problem in dealing with this matter. You know what to do!"

"HAI!" The Machinegals Dolls saluted.

****

XXX

"Mr. President?"

"Morning, Mitch!" President Harris greeted him under his breath. "Just in the middle of enjoying another fresh morning jog around the park! Won't you care to join me?"

"You're on a treadmill."

President Harris was exercising so hard that his mind had completely forgotten that he was in his private gym.

"Oh…well, what brings you here?"

"You have an important meeting with J.J. McClure and Victor Prinzi in fifteen minutes." Mitch carefully checked his diary to confirm. "Everyone's expecting you promptly."

"Well, as you can see, I still have another thirty minutes to run. So this meeting will obviously have to wait for another time."

"But, sir! This is about the last Cannonball Run! If you don't attend now, then there may not be one!"

"My God! That's disgusting!" Harris exclaimed dreadfully. "We can't let that happen to our nation, Mitch! The fate of the whole world is depending on us! I must find a way to speed up my exercise program quick or else!" He quickly skimmed through the buttons on his treadmill. "A-ha! I think I've got it! Full speed ahead! Warp ten!"

He banged his fist on a button marked Level 10, which was the maximum speed. Soon enough, Harris was running faster than Road Runner high on sugar.

"WHOOOOOAAAAA!"

Harris was flung out of the window like a speeding bullet. At once seeing the President extremely hurt, Mitch ran as fast as he could out of the White House to his rescue.

"Sir, are you okay?" he asked, helping him up safely onto his feet. "You took quite a fall back there! Should I send for paramedics?"

"I'm perfectly fine, Mitch!" said Harris, wiping the glass shards off of his sweater. "In fact, that was the best workout I've had for years! Let's do that again!"

"Surely, you can't be serious!"

"I am serious…and don't call me Shirley!"

xxx

Author's Note: WHEW! This took me far too long to complete! I don't think I'll ever want to write another chapter as long as this again. But there's all the racers established!


	3. God Speed

Author's Note: Read and enjoy. All that needs saying, I suppose.

xxx

****

Chapter Two: God Speed

xxx

Statler and Waldorf decided to spend their day like any other: sit on their couch and watch whatever was on television.

"Well, what do you know? The Cannonball's back!" shouted Waldorf, reading the headline on the news channel. "Who believed those little rascals could pull it off again?"

"Who cares? There's no stopping it!" said Statler. "They're just making more Cannonball Run sequels to get more cheap laughs!"

"BWA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!"

****

XXX

"This is a Muppet News Flash! President Baxter Harris has promised to attend the grand opening to the Cannonball Run in New York City today, where many participants from around the world have already gathered to sign in to compete on the streets that will ultimately decide who truly is the real Cannonball racer. The President has expressed his delight yet disappointment to hear that this is indeed the last Cannonball race to be held. And he has prepared to make a public speech before the race commences this evening.

In other news, killer cars have broken out in the state of New Mexico! Police have advised all viewers to lock their windows and doors, as they are both armed and dangerous."

The Muppet Newsman chuckled.

"That's ridiculous!"

A Volkswagen Beetle, armed with a semi-automatic rifle, suddenly burst out from the wall and chased away the Muppet Newsman, who was running away in terror.

****

XXX

"Glad to be of service, Mr. McClure." President Harris shook his hand after having finished his meeting with J.J. McClure and Victor Prinzi. "I'm sure everybody's fired up for this event!"

Victor was so excited to be inside the White House. He couldn't stop admiring all the portraits of former presidents as they walked down the corridor.

"Ah, I see you have a fascination with President Ford, Mr. Prinzi." said Harris, admiring the stunning portrait of Harrison Ford. "Quite a stud he was back in his heyday. Why, I miss that critter…"

"It's an extreme honor to have you tonight, Mr. President." said J.J.. "We'll make it the best night you'll ever have."

"Marvelous!" Harris laughed with delight. "Mitch, tell my wife to cancel our plans for our wedding anniversary tonight. Tell her I'm off on the Testicle Run!"

"Cannonball Run, sir." Mitch kindly corrected him.

"Damn, I'm feeling stiff in my pants already!"

****

XXX

Once again, Cannonballers from worldwide had assembled in New York at the crack of the morning deadline. The sweet Columbia sat at the signing desk, highly overwhelmed by the long line of participants crowding up by the minutes. She now regretted having volunteered to take this job alone…

"One at a time, folks!" she said. "First participant in line, come forward and sign in your name!"

Montana Max strode arrogantly forward with his unfaithful cronies. "First come, first served, like they say!" he laughed greedily. "And the first to win!"

Second came Mr. Bean, who let his teddy bear 'sign' his name for him. Mr. Bean made him bow politely at their beautiful signing host before they left.

Next up was Maverick Mitchell, who firmly saluted Columbia after he wrote his signature. She felt all but flattered by the handsome pilot.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Fat Albert was next with his friends to sign in. "Oh wait. I already said that line in the last chapter…"

"Move over, fatso!" Stewie Griffin rudely shoved Albert aside, allowing Brian to sign for them.

"Be so kind to assist in signing our names for us, Iorek!" said Artmeis Fowl, despite seeing the bear having great difficulty holding the pen with his giant paw.

Mr. Mistoffelees snapped his fingers and his signature magically appeared.

"Show off." Freddy Krueger snorted, taking the pen. Though he little trouble signing with his gloved hand. "Jason, gimme a hand here!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Columbia screamed when Pee-wee Herman suddenly burst out laughing in joy when he came to sign.

"(Don't worry, Asterix. Writing's a piece of cake.)" Obelix accidentally broke the table in two when he pressed the pen too hard on the paper. Seemed like he didn't know his own strength, leaving Asterix and Dogmatix to sigh with disbelief.

"Sign our names properly!" Lord Voldemort threatened to cast a nasty spell on Draco if he didn't.

"Yikes…and I thought I was a scary girl." said Columbia, surprised to see the gothic appearance of Death and Dream. "I should be paid better for this job…"

****

XXX

Milo De Venus wasn't having as much problems as Columbia when all the Cannonballers had gathered inside the bar. Having more than two hands certainly helped him a lot.

"Good afternoon. What can I get for you, sir?" he asked the gentleman.

"A dry martini." said James Bond. "Three measures of Gordon's; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel."

Milo's pencil broke as he was writing frantically on his pad. "Um, certainly. And how about you, miss?"

"Er…I'll have what he ordered too." Kimberly Ann Possible knew little about alcoholic drinks. Though it was clear that Mr. Bond had a very good taste in them. "You sure know how to mix your drinks, James."

"Quite…though I'm unsure whether your mother and father would approve of you drinking in these manners. Should we tell them where you are?"

"NO!" Kim shouted.

Milo went to Jeannie at the next table…

"Um, good afternoon…miss…" he said, nervous at the rather alluring woman. "…W-what would you like order?"

"Anything you wish." she winked at him charmingly. "I take regular…or ice."

"Okay." Milo began to blush. "That's one Smirnoff, coming right up!"

Meanwhile, Woody Boyd was serving drinks at the counter.

"What can I get for you four, today?"

"Milk plus, four glasses." Alex ordered. He didn't notice Beavis and Butt-head chuckling away behind his back. It was getting annoying to his friends' ears. "Well then, what's all this commotion about? Do you chellovecks need a knock in the gulliver to leave us be?"

"Er…what did you just say?" Butt-head asked. "A knock in the what?"

"I think this dude wants to kick our ass, Butt-head." Beavis sniggered.

"What'd it be that you two want?" Alex asked sternly. "My droogs and I don't take the liking of strangers such as yourselves."

Butt-head wasn't blind to see their sinister appeal. "Um, we just wanted to ask…u-huh-huh…can we like, be in your gang? Me and Beavis think you guys kick ass with those cool costumes you wear and stuff. U-huh-huh-huh."

"Well, that depends…do you know any Nadsat?"

"Heh-heh-heh! He said nad-sack!" Beavis sniggered again.

A few tables away…

"Catch on anything unusual?" Scully asked.

"Not a trace so far." Mulder replied, scanning his alien detector around the bar for any suspicious presence…until… "Wait! There's one!"

"Excuse me, may I take your…"

Mulder attacked Milo with a stun gun, leaving him shaking on the floor from the massive shock.

"Wowzas! Did you see that?" Electra was zapped to see what the agent did to the waiter. "Not often you see some Shiva dude get an electric punch out of that! But know that my sparks are worse than that kind of bite!"

Woody Boyd shook his head. "Don't worry about Milo. He'll be fine."

He finished filling up a glass of root beer and left it on the table. Electra reached out for his drink, until his hand touched another's. Stormy was also reaching out to take her drink, but didn't expect to cross hands with Electra.

"Hey, little twerp!" Electra snorted. "I ordered this drink first. Buzz off!"

"Well, I ordered mine way before you brought your sorry butt over here!" Stormy answered back. "Why don't YOU buzz off?"

Stormy sent a small shock through Electra's finger, forcing him to surrender his drink. "So…the kid's got some attitude, huh?"

"You better believe it."

"But I see that you share something quite common." Electra proudly showed Stormy the mass of electricity he could generate in his hand. "You see…I'm electric too. I could shock you just as badly as you could imagine. What's your name, kid?"

"Stormy…what's yours?"

"Electra…well then, Stormy. What say we call for a little bit more competition in this race between you and me?" Electra grinned slyly at her. "I'm just dying to see which one of us is the real shocker at winning. Well…?"

"What can I say? You've got yourself into some fine competition." Stormy shook hands firmly with him. "I'll sure enjoy keeping your journey cloudy and wet!"

Sonic and Mario weren't far away, exchanging their arguments on which one of them was to win the final Cannonball race. This wasn't too surprising for their friends, who were by this time tired of this bitter rivalry.

"You just don't know when to quit, Mario." Sonic poked him in the belly. "Eating, that is!"

"Easy enough for a sleazy punk-upine to say!" Mario retaliated. "This-a time, Sonic, I'll show you just how-a-good a super plumber can become a super racer! You can-a count on that!"

"OH!" Sonic shivered in shear pretense. "Aren't we getting a bit excited today? Maybe you've been stomping on too many Goombas lately, but I beg to differ with your claims. Because it'll be ME crossing that finishing line, leaving you to eat my dust half a continent away!"

The argument was far to cease. And because of that, Naminé was finding it hard to listen to what the boys were saying at her table. She couldn't even to focus on her drawing with all the rowdy noise of Cannonballers surrounding her.

"Kairi, do you know what a Goomba is?" she asked, pondering.

"Goomba?" Kairi thought. "Is that some sort of plant?"

Just then, Squall Leonhart and his group showed up at the table.

"Leon!" shouted Sora. "I didn't expect to see you guys try your luck out for the Cannonball!"

"We wouldn't miss it for the world, silly!" said Yuffie, giving him a high-five. "I'd like you all to meet my best friend…Vincent Valentine! Say hello, Vince!" Vincent silently nodded at Sora and his friends. "And this is Rinoa Heartilly! Squall's girlfriend!"

"Yuffie..." Squall whispered.

"Nice to meet you all!" Rinoa waved.

On another table, another meeting was taking place. But this one wasn't turning out to be a friendly occasion…

"Well, Valiant. It looks like we meet again, and for the last time!" Nyasu laughed at his face, taunting Roger Rabbit. "Too bad Chaos isn't running with his cape this time round!"

"We can beat you guys with or without him." said Eddie in defense. "The only thing you team bozos are good at is failing. And it doesn't even cost a nickel to prove it!"

"You show him, Eddie!" said Baby Herman.

"Cocky as you may be, you're still forgetting the fact that we've built a far more superior machine than your puny Blue Falcon!" Musashi giggled rottenly.

"That's right!" said Kojiro. "Wait until you see the Fire Stingray in action! We'll be blasting away before you could say Team Rocket!"

"Is that a fact?" A stranger's voice intruded between them. "It seems quite apparent that you, Team Rocket, are not going to be the superiors of this race as much as you had hoped." A cold hearted man stepped into the scene, looking sternly at both Team Rocket and Eddie Valiant. "Mr. Valiant, I presume. I've heard much about you."

"How dare you step into our conversation!" cried Musashi.

"Who the hell are you?" Eddie asked, gazing into his black sunglasses.

"Smith." he replied. "You may have heard of me from somewhere, someplace. But that doesn't necessarily matter now. What matters now is the fact that every person in this room is destined to succeed without success in this last Cannonball. Even you and Team Rocket are meant to fail inevitably…with a certain satisfaction, might I add."

"Sure pal." said Roger Rabbit in disbelief. "Why not slice out your tarot cards and make our palms read while you're at it? You'll probably need to check your crystal ball again! What makes you so sure you know the future so well?"

"Because I've seen it, my furry companion."

"Listen, wise guy." Nyasu interrupted. "We don't need to hear beeswax from some bozo who's got the brain of a peanut over here. You don't intimidate us with your scary MIB getup! So why don't you just kindly walk away and stick your prophetic thoughts in your ears, or else I'm going to have to get scratchy with you."

Smith only smiled with amusement at his small feline friend, who was threatening him with his kitten claws. "I always expected you to be more philosophical about this, Nyasu. Is violence really your answer to all of your disputes? Surely you must be aware that your paws are far too weak to outrun the speed of a bullet from my gun."

"You wanna bet?"

Nyasu prepared to leap onto Smith, but Smith already had his gun out and pointed to Nyasu between his crossed eyes. He was undoubtedly one step ahead of him.

"Ah-ah-ah! There will be no such violence in this movie." The Censor Lady showed her face and interrupted the arising confrontation. "This a family film remember. And we can't allow this kind of content to escape to children."

Nyasu painfully eased his paws, while Smith quietly put his gun away. The Censor Lady gave a firm nod and left the scene. Dolores was looking all but confused about what had just happened.

"Who was that?" she said.

"That's strange…" said Roger Rabbit, scratching his head. "I don't remember seeing the Wicked Witch's name on the cast list."

****

XXX

The evening was loud and bustling with people. Cannonballers were busy getting their machines ready, and news reporters from all over the world had attended to witness this sparkling event. Among the crowds, Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar were excitedly waiting for the whole show to begin…

"We're here in the last Cannonball of our lives, Garth! What do you have to say about all this?"

"Wayne, have you ever noticed at the start of every Cannonball, there's never been a cannonball being fired? That's kind of like, a shitty rip-off." said Garth, perhaps being a little too literal with the title of the race. "Hey Wayne! Check it out! It's those babes from that popular kids show!"

"Garth, those are wax figures from 'Sex and the City'."

"Oops…" his attention suddenly caught something else. "…but hey, look over there!"

****

XXX

"Good evening, Cannonball fans! Welcome to this year's Cannonball Run live event! This is Kasumi reporting to you live in New York, where all of our Cannonballers are getting ready for this exciting start of the race!"

"That's right, Kasumi. May I add that this is regrettably the last Cannonball race. For those who are unaware, the Chairman of the Cannonball recently passed away, leaving behind a special request for this start-studded competition to end all star-studded competitions! And don't worry, folks! We'll bring you lots of fun and action here all guaranteed! Hikari…?"

"Thanks, Haruka. For this Cannonball Run, we've hired a group of map coordinators to keep constant track on our racers. Taichi Yagami and Yamato Ishida will be making sure to bring you live updates of all progress at all times. Won't you say hello, you guys?"

****

XXX

"What a great evening this is! Taichi, I'm looking forward to this fantastic event as much as you are! I'm feeling great to see all of our friends take on this Cannonball one last time! How do you feel about it?"

"Fabulous, Yamato! It's always great to see these daredevil doers risk it all out on this extra-special occasion! With the Cannonball Cup lurking round the corner, things are bound to get wilder and wilder! And girls, you can count on us to keep you informed of all activity on this race! Back to you, Hikari!"

****

XXX

"Thanks, guys! In just a few hours, our Cannonballers will be hitting the highways and across to the Pacific! But before that, we'll have a special word from the President of the United States of America, who'll be visiting tonight to give our Cannonballers the best of luck they need!"

"All right! Hikari, Haruka, why don't we have a sneak peek at what the Cannonballers are currently up to?"

****

XXX

While many of the Cannonballers were well working away, Hinata and Sakura were too distracted by the Lee Brothers at their Twin Noritta. Their handsome appeal was something exceptionally peculiar to them. Both girls had dated a few boys in their high school, but for some inexplicable reason, they felt immediately magnetized by these Hong Kong boys.

"(Sakura-chan, are you feeling what I'm feeling inside?)" Hinata asked, feeling her heart beat fast. "(Why am I suddenly attracted to these strangers we hardly even know?)"

"(I don't know…)" Sakura answered vaguely. "(Can't stop looking at those lovely boys…)"

Their short love dream was abruptly cut off when the Lee Brothers gave a friendly wave at them. The girls hid away their faces and began to blush with embarrassment.

"(Looks like someone's got their eyes on us already.)" said Yang, nudging his brother. "(Think they're fast enough to beat us?)"

Yun wasn't sure himself. "(Yang…when's the last time we ever talked to girls?)"

The Mask hadn't looked better at himself in the mirror. "It's time to party! P-A-R-T…why? 'Cause I gotta!"

Meanwhile, Lock and Shock were having trouble finding the spare gasoline they had packed in their machine earlier. Their answer came when they discovered that a thirsty Barrel had drunken all their cans, assuming they it had been filled with water.

"A bit smoky." said Barrel, letting out a huge burp.

Richie Rich was having his share of problems too…

"Lulu…Audrey…I have to stress that you two need to be on your best behavior." he said sternly, praying at the back of his mind that the girls wouldn't cause any more damage to the Chrono Symphony. He didn't want to even think about doing repairs again. "Remember, the Cannonball is…"

But as he opened his eyes, he realized that Lulu and Audrey had vanished off inside his machine.

"Hmm…what does this button do?" Audrey wondered, gazing at the red ignition button.

"Push it!" encouraged Lulu.

"NO! STOP!" Richie Rich was barbequed to a crisp as Lulu and Audrey rode out of control around the busy arena. "These girls won't take 'no' for an answer." he grumbled as he went on another wild goose chase after his machine.

Spawn watched the whole disaster unfold in front of him, saying: "Kids…"

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum." Duke Nukem was locked and loaded for the race…except: "But I'm all out of gum…shit. Not again."

He was magnetized at once though, when his eyes caught the sheer beauty of Sydney Bristow, doing the last checks on her Fighting Comet. This called for some stiff competition for sure…

"Don't make eye contact…" Sydney mumbled to herself.

Nearby, Elaine had been growing ever so attracted to Jack Sparrow since they first met, making Guybrush a bit discomforted.

"Tell me again, Sparrow. How many pirates did you kill on that ship to Singapore?" Elaine asked, glaring romantically into his eyes and twisting his beard.

"I need some to have some grog." Guybrush sighed.

Corvax was insisting that the Blues Brothers work faster on the Wild Goose. "Chop, chop! My ulcer cannot wait for slackers!"

"My biggest moment! This is for you, Pandora!" (-Adrian Mole)

Stephanie was helping Sportacus check the engines and battery on the Rainbow Phoenix.

"Everything's a-okay, Sportacus!" said Stephanie, after doing her final check. "It's time for us to show the world what we're really made of! Boy, I wish Jill and Marcie were here to see us now!"

Sportacus wanted to tell Stephanie something about the girls, but was suddenly interrupted when an announcement was made…

****

XXX

"Wa-wa-wee-wa! Look at all you Cannonballers out there!" Borat waved at his applauding audience on the stage. "My name-a Borat! I will be your friendly host for this year's last but not least Cannonball Run! How's-a everybody doing tonight?"

Cannonballers screamed with pure ecstasy.

"I would first like to thank J.J. McClure and Victor Prinzi for giving me this very nice chance to speak to each and every one of you lucky racers. Great success to all of you! And I am very honored to inform that the President of United States has arrived here tonight in New York City to especially wish all you special people luck on this nice race! So please give very warm welcome to President Baxter Harris! Dzienkuje!"

"Go get 'em, tiger!" Harris winked at Mitch.

"They mean you, sir."

"Oh, right."

Waving at his fellow people, Harris walked onto the stage as the audience exploded with cheers and praises.

"Ahem." he cleared his throat on the microphone and randomly spurted out: "So, a policewoman, a princess and a Japanese schoolgirl are all on a train. The conductor says: Hey! Have any of you girls got any milk?"

All the women in the audience gasped in horror. Aya Brea was exceptionally shocked at the President, and an appalled Princess Devilotte cracked her tea cup.

"So the Japanese schoolgirl lifts up her shirt and says: Shut up, stupid! Do these look fake to you?"

All of the Japanese Cannonballers grew upset immediately. Asuka Soryu was crushing her can of Pepsi, much to Shinji's horror. Kimiko punched Raimundo in the face for being the only one to laugh at the joke. Tomoyo Daidouji nearly dropped her video camera as she was filming. Mihoshi Kuramitsu was bursting into tears. Naru Narusegawa crossed her arms with a disgusted face. Chiyo Mihama and Osaka Kasuga were trying to calm their friends down, despite the grunts and growls that were escaping them. The Outer Senshi were utterly speechless at the distasteful joke.

"Don't listen, Boots." said Dora, covering his ears.

"(I don't get it.)" said a very confused Kumba.

Eric Cartman was looking the same. "Is that meant to be a joke?"

However, that was hardly the beginning of Harris' speech.

"The cat asks the dog to stand up on its hind legs. But the dog says: I'm not flirting, you crazy puss! You're the one who wants to scratch my balls!"

More outrage burst among the audience. Snoopy was grinding his teeth so hard that they were disintegrating. Jon Arbuckle was having trouble keeping Garfield and Odie under restraint, as they were attempting to rip President Harris up into shreds.

"Easy, fellas!" Jon cried.

"Lemme at him!" shouted Garfield. "LEMME AT HIM!"

"When can you tell when a gay cowboy's a good cowboy?" Harris carried on, getting rapidly worse with his jokes. "Simple! It's when he's a dead cowboy!"

Ennis del Mar's jaw dropped disgraced while Jack Twist took off his hat, staring at the laughing President with eyes deeply infuriated.

"Oh, dear." said Ernie in dismay. Bert felt no different from his partner.

"And I thought our last President was a schmuck." muttered Tommy Vercetti.

"Right, now onto a much more serious note." Harris straightened up his tie and cleared his throat again. "I've come today to watch you fine people give the best damn performance of your lives. In loving memory of the dear Chairman of the…um…" Forgetting what this actual event was, he looked up at the sign above him, which spelled 'Cannonball Run' in initials. "…cr, you'll be embarking on this last journey around the world to finally prove yourselves as the best damn racer on Earth! So, without further a due, let's get this show under way! Good luck and God speed!"

Harris gave a firm salute.

"Sir, that's a communist salute!" Mitch whispered.

"Oh, pardon me!"

Giving his proper salute, the audience burst into applauds once again. And thus, the last Cannonball Run had already begun.

****

XXX

"Thank you, everyone!" Henry Sugar waved at his joyous fans after punching his time card. He hopped into the Panzer Emerald and drove out of the arena.

"Remember, cute and cuddly, boys! Cute and cuddly!" Skipper punched his card and ordered his men back into the Hyper Speeder.

With his punched card, Go Mifune put on his helmet and grabbed the wheel of the Blue Falcon 2. "Let's go."

"AAAAA!" Rachel Green was too excited, even when she was doing the honor with the punch card for the Moon Shadow.

"Move your feet and punch the card, already!" A frustrated Captain Haddock shouted at Dupond and Dupont from the Space Angler, bickering about which one of them ought to do it.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" Bozo the clown somersaulted out of the Soldier Anchor and punched the card, somersaulting back inside. "The fun has just begun!"

"This should be a delightful blast." Carmen Sandiego reached her hand out from the Red Bull, over to the box with her time card.

"Here we go!" After punching their card, Calvin floored the accelerator, but only brought the Mad Wolf flying backwards, inevitably crashing through the wall. "Whoops! Guess I left the gears in reverse!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" The Delightful Children laughed robotically as they punched their card and set off in their Jet Vermillion.

The crowd dropped deathly silent when Dick Dastardly showed himself to the crowd. "Drat…" he grumpily punched his card and quietly drove off in his Dark Schneider.

"Shame for that guy." Gil Grissom commented in the Stingray, waiting for Catherine to punch their card in the box.

Cristina Yang punched her card and jumped back into the J.B. Crystal, where Dr. Van Helsing was preparing to give her another shot. "This is going to get ugly."

"Oh, Popeye! I can't believe this is happening!" Olive Oyl couldn't stop waving her arms in the Cosmic Dolphin as Popeye punched their card. SpongeBob gave Patrick Star a thumb up, wishing the best of luck.

"Do a little dance." Bubbles passed the card onto Buttercup.

"Make a little love." Buttercup passed it onto Blossom.

"Get down tonight!" Blossom punched it, and jumped back into the Silver Rat.

****

XXX

"What a magnificent start to this glorious race! The Canonballers are well on their way at full speed!" shouted Kasumi. "Who knows what kind of encounters our friends will face on this first track!"

"I'm Haruka!"

"I'm Hikari!"

"And I'm Kasumi, reporting to you live in New York on this incredible evening! See ya later!"


	4. Relax O Vision

****

Chapter Three: Relax-O-Vision

xxx

"Welcome back, fans! It's only been minutes after the Cannonball Run began, and boy this audience won't stop cheering tonight!"

"You said it, Haruka!" Hikari agreed. "And our Cannonballers will have lots of crowds to deal with on their way across the USA! Let's hope nobody gets hurt!"

"I hope so too!" said Kasumi. "Let's go live right now to one of our correspondents reporting way on the other side of the USA, Waldo!"

****

XXX

"Thanks, girls!" said Waldo, amongst a growing number of fans, all too excited to be seen on TV. "People here in California are certainly staying up every night for the Cannonballers! Half the streets in San Francisco have been blocked to make way for these enthusiastic supporters! They…whoa! Hey!"

Waldo was suddenly engulfed by a tsunami of fans pushing their faces at the camera.

****

XXX

"Waldo?" Hikari waited for his response. The screen zoomed out in hopes to find him in this overpopulated situation. But it proved to be more than a difficult task for the girls. "Where's Waldo? Can you find him?"

"I can't find him." Haruka scratched her brain.

Kasumi cleared her throat. "Folks, I'm afraid this could take us quite a while. We'll leave you now with our Cannonball monitors, Taichi and Yamato! I'm Kasumi!"

"I'm Hikari!"

"And I'm Haruka!"

****

XXX

"Well, Taichi." said Yamato, checking the map. "It seems that although most of our Cannonballers are making a desperate dash across the fifty states, a handful of them have decided to head over to Canada. Would you consider this is an easier route, in your expert opinion?"

"Hard to say, Yamato." thought Taichi. "Who knows what kind of people they'll encounter in an open country of such natural beauty…its flowing blue rivers…its mighty fresh cut timber…why, it makes me want to sing! Oh, Canada…"

Yamato slapped him on the head, snapping him out of his daydream. "We're not being paid to sing, Taichi! We've got to keep an eye on the Cannonballers!"

"Sorry…"

****

XXX

"But, sir. I don't understand." said Mauser. "How could we sit here in your office while there's Cannonballers driving rampant across our highways? And consider what they'll do when they're overseas."

"Maybe they'll be more careful." said Proctor, rewarded with an elbow in the stomach by Mauser.

"You needn't worry." said Foyt, spinning round on his chair, throwing his boots up onto his desk. "Those Cannonballers won't be getting far in this outing. I've recruited my best men out there around the globe to do the work for us. As for now, you can rely on Buford T. Justice to watch our American roads."

****

XXX

"I hate night traffic." grumbled Eddie Valiant. The Blue Falcon wasn't getting too far in Manhattan's busy streets. "Of all places, it has to be New York. I sure hope those three gargoyles aren't ahead of us."

"Not to mention that Smith fellow." said Roger Rabbit. "I wouldn't want to run into that sour puss in the race."

"It's double trouble." Baby Herman was fearing the worst out of both of them. "This ain't gonna be an easy time, folks. This could be our biggest challenge yet to come first! We gotta fight hard for it or nothing!"

"Drive carefully, Eddie." advised Dolores. "You just don't know who you'll crash into next…"

****

XXX

"Out of the car, all of you." Tracy forced the group to step out of their machine. "Let me see your driver's license."

The trio handed them to the policewoman without fuss. Instantly recognizing their photos, Tracy swung her flashlight on the faces of Team Rocket, who grinned innocently. How in the world did they get into this mess?

"Hello, Tracy." a sweat-dropping Musashi offered her a friendly wave. "Nice to see you again. I see you're still in the police force after all these countless times."

"Team Rocket." Tracy shook her head. "You three live to cause trouble…don't you? Last time I caught you creeps here, you were stealing Pokémon cards off little kids in the Pikachu convention we had."

"I needed one more to complete my collection." slipped out from Kojiro's lips.

Tracy was going to arrest them for good this time, for being a public nuisance. But she was rudely disturbed when another 'policewoman' stepped into the scene.

"I think I'll take it from here, sis." said the voice of Rachael, Tracy's no-good twin. "An officer like you is not qualified enough to arrest such notorious criminals as bad ass as Team Rocket."

"Buzz off, Rachael." Tracy spoke back. "You got kicked out of the NYPD…remember? Get your facts straight before I have to knock your brains in with my tonfus!"

"Well, yours aren't as classic compared to mine!" Rachael showed hers off arrogantly. "Now THESE are tonfus!"

While a sisterly argument ensued, Team Rocket tiptoed back into the Fire Stingray…

"You want to do this here right now?" Tracy threatened her. "'Cause it sounds like you want to pick another fight with me."

"What else?" Rachael shrugged. "Bring it on, Tracy! I could beat you like a punching bag any day, you goodie little two shoes!" she raised her tonfus, ready to engage combat.

Tracy did the same. "Fine…have this your way."

The girls circled each other, preparing for a brutal bout. It looked as if this was going to grow rather bloody…

"HEEYAH!"

"YAH!"

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

"Good evening. I'm H.A. Futterman, Professor of Movie Standards here at Golden Harvest. By request of the Censor Lady, I'm here to talk to you about what you've just witnessed: Relax-O-Vision. Relax-O-Vision is a process that inserts calm and mirthful images into scenes that might be too intense for the kiddos watching in the theatre. For example, Tracy's extremely violent brawl with Rachael was replaced by a soothing scene of fishies, as they think their happy little pleasant thoughts. Now settle back, and get ready to enjoy the first Cannonball Run movie ever screened in calming, safe, kid-friendly, Relax-O-Vision."

****

XXX

Tracy and Rachael were tired and bruised after their long fight.

"I told you my tonfus are better than yours!" moaned Tracy.

"Yours are still pussy, you pussy!" moaned Rachael.

Both of them passed out.

****

XXX

A fresh start of the morning in the state of Pennsylvania, and Jack Twist and Ennis del Mar were having a bit of trouble in their hands…

"Dang! That car's been at us with that siren all night!" said Ennis, poking his head back. "We're never gonna shake him off!"

"Don't you worry!" said Jack. "This here Luna Bomber ain't called the Luna Bomber for nothin'!"

The Luna Bomber howled with flames, catching the police car on fire.

****

XXX

In Delaware, Richie Rich was still having trouble controlling Audrey and Lulu.

"Come on, Richie!" said Audrey. " Lulu and I want to stop for some ice cream!"

"For the last time, you two. We're not stopping for anything."

"That's okay." said Lulu, hearing a distant siren. "I think the ice cream truck's coming to us!"

Richie glanced at his mirror to find a police car on their tail. Now if only he could turn in the girls to the cops…that would make the race more of a leisure…but then again, the parents would mostly disapprove if they ever found out.

****

XXX

"What is he up to now?" Sally Brown couldn't believe that Snoopy had stopped the Fire Ball to rush into a restaurant. "Here we are, stuck in Maryland, and that dumb beagle is making us fall to last place! Who could think of food at a time like this?"

Snoopy came rushing out with Woodstock, carrying a plate of fresh crab cakes.

"I'm not sure." said Charlie Brown. "But that sure smells good!"

****

XXX

"My God! I was already in the lead! No other Cannonballers in sight! It was unbelievable…until upon closer inspection of my map I realized that I had steered far off course in the opposite direction. I was in New England! Through Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Vermont and Maine…this was an utter waste of time! Don't despair though! I'm stepping back on that accelerator and turning round to get back into that race! I won't give up a fight this easily!" (-Adrian Mole)

****

XXX

"Damn!" Duke Nukem was being pursued by five police cars in New Jersey. "I hate those police bastards!" but an idea struck him at once. He threw a Holo-Duke onto the road. "That should take care of them!"

The police cars skidded and collided into each other.

****

XXX

Down in Washington D.C., Sheriff Buford T. Justice had organized a massive road block in high hopes to catch the Cannonballers…

"Okay, boys! Keep an eye on those Cannonball bastards!" he ordered his men to get into their positions. "Let's get those sum of a bitches and fry their asses! Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gets away from Sheriff Buford T. Justice and lives to tell the tale!"

A few blocks away, the Outer Senshi were having the thrill of their life, competing parallel with another four-girl gang.

"(I'd say we've met our match.)" said Michiru.

"(They're proving to be more difficult than I had predicted.)" suggested Setsuna.

"(You think you can outrun them, Haruka?)" asked Hotaru. "(They're sure as fast as you.)"

"(Not for long!)" Haruka stepped on it.

"Got any bright ideas, Joanna?" said Lara Croft, watching the Super Cat get away from their White Cat. "We'll be needing them now!"

"Hold on!" Joanna stepped on it as well, catching well up with their rivals.

Buford T. Justice was the first man to sight the two Cannonballers coming their way. "One shit at a time, boys!" he said. "We got some bitches to catch!"

But the police were not as well prepared as expected, when the White Cat and Super Cat zoomed straight through the road block at the speed of a gun, causing a massive hole. Police leapt for cover as their cars were fiercely shoved aside. Buford T. Justice was nothing but infuriated at his men's failure.

"Shit!" he shouted, throwing his hat onto the road. "You sum of a bitches couldn't close an umbrella!"

Ada Wong was feeling a bit uncomfortable on her seat all of a sudden. "I sense there's somebody else in here other than the four of us."

She was right. The head of Glenn Quagmire rose in astonishment at the women's arousing appeal. He felt like he was in heaven.

"Who the hell are you?" said Aya Brea. "How did you get into the White Cat?"

"All right!" Quagmire shouted in excitement. "I've got four in a row!"

Ada opened the roof and Aya chucked him out of the vehicle.

"Call me sometime!" he sniggered.

****

XXX

"I love this chicken so much, I want to buy the company!"

Corvax couldn't enjoy anything better than homemade fried chicken in Kentucky. Unwilling to stop to take a bite, he continued to drive while eating.

"Want my wing?" Elwood handed it to Jake, feeling car sick.

Jake felt too nauseous, throwing up in his bucket full of chicken bones.

****

XXX

A dozen police cars were after Pee-wee through Alabama and Georgia. He realized that he hadn't fastened his seatbelt since the start of the race.

"Remember, kids!" he said to his audience. "Always put your seatbelt on if you're going to take part in the Cannonball Run!"

The magic word was said!

"AAAAAAAAH!"

****

XXX

Just at the tip of Tennessee, Obelix was dying to smash up the police cars chasing them.

"(Please, Asterix!)" he begged. "(Let me just take on one!)"

"(No, Obelix.)" was Asterix response, knowing that there were many. It would waste too much time for them. "(We'll lag behind if we stop now.)"

Just then, they crossed right into Arkansas.

"(How about now, Asterix?)"

"(No!)"

****

XXX

In New Orleans, Louisiana…

"Hey, Butthead." said Beavis. "So…if we beat Alex in this race, then he'll like, let us join his gang, right?"

"Uh…yeah. That's what he said." replied Butt-head. "We should be miles ahead of them by now, or something."

He wished he hadn't spoken so soon. For Alex drove right past them, his gang flipping the boys off.

"Viddy well, boys!" he said, blasting away in the Wild Boar.

"Catch him, Butt-head!" shouted Beavis.

****

XXX

"(Kaolla-chan!)" exclaimed Shinobu. "(The police are gaining on us!)"

"(Kaolla, do something!)" shouted Keitaro.

Kaolla was already on it. The Green Panther steered off the road and right towards…

"(Are you nuts?)" shouted Naru. "(We're heading straight for the Mississippi River! We can't get across it! We'll sink!)"

"(Watch and learn!)" Kaolla smiled, speeding up.

The Green Panther splashed across the Mississippi River like a hopping stone, reaching the other side in no time.

****

XXX

"(Target set!)"

Through West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, the Machinegal Dolls had been after the Mask for a few days. Operating in their giant car-eating truck, the truck opened its jaws filled with razor teeth, ready to devour the Groovy Taxi in one bite.

"Uh-oh!" the Mask's jaw dropped to his seat. In haste, he pulled out a can of grease from his pocket. Spilling it onto the road, the Machinegal Dolls lost control of their truck as it spun uncontrollably. "HA! HA! HAAAAAA!"

****

XXX

It was pretty hot in Miami, Florida. Yet even so, Sportacus was strong enough to stand the heat. He waited patiently at the gas station for Stephanie to return with some snacks.

"AAAAA!!"

Stephanie came running out from the beach, chased by the sex-crazed Quagmire in his tiger briefs.

"Giggity-giggity-goo! I'm after you, sweet cheeks!" he grinned.

"Sportacus!" Stephanie shouted. "Let's get out of here!"

Sportacus somersaulted back into the Rainbow Phoenix and started the engines. Stephanie hopped into her seat, shutting the door as quickly as possible. Quagmire reached a hand out for her, but his fingers were caught.

"Oh, God!" Quagmire squealed in pain. "Well, at least this isn't worse than that time I got my penis stuck in the window!"

His fingers were freed once the Rainbow Phoenix blasted away.

"That's the first and last time I'm coming to Miami." said Stephanie, although noticing that one of her shoes missing. "Hey! Where'd my shoe go?"

Quagmire inhaled the alluring scent of Stephanie shoe. "All right!"

****

XXX

Somewhere outside of Montreal, Canada, friction was building up between Mario and Sonic. Their exchanges of curses and insults never ceased…

"Hey, Mario!" Sonic shouted. "When's the last time you shaved? Judging from the hair on your moustache, your butt must look like a forest!"

"Oh? I think I know why-a you and Amy aren't-a getting married." Mario sniggered. "You've-a been hanging round with-a Tails too much!"

Not far away, Tootle the train was debating with Katy Caboose whether he could leap off the rails at the train crossing…

"You heard what everybody said, Tootle." said Katy. "Stay on the rails, no matter what. It's for your own safety."

"That's no fun." Tootle sighed. "Face it. We've been bored stiff since nobody picked up our pilot episode. We need some adventure, Katy! I'm serious!"

His prayers were answered. The King and Queen Meteor came ramming into Tootle and Katy, knocking them off the track and onto the green grass.

"WE'RE FREE!" Tootle screamed, leaping across the flower fields in pure bliss. "Eat your heart out, Thomas!"

"Oh, dear." Katy shook her head.

****

XXX

In Ottawa, the Magic Seagull was strolling clean through the city without any problems…despite a police car after them. Something else was troubling Death's mind.

"Why do Canadians always say 'aboot' ?" she asked her brother.

"It's their way of saying 'about'."

"Tell me something else I don't know."

"Canadian bacon is just ordinary ham." Dream replied.

****

XXX

Having driven through Ohio, Michigan and Indiana, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids were in the 'Windy City' of Chicago, Illinois. Downtown, Dumb Donald saw somebody he had to point out.

"Look! It's J.J.!"

The Iron Tiger stopped dead on the road beside J.J. Evans, one of the gang's closest buddies. The boys burst out immediately to meet their old pal.

"J.J.!" Fat Albert greeted him first. "What are you doing here?"

"What's it look like?" he said, pointing to his sign above. "I'm selling lemonade now. After 'Good Times', I've been stuck all year with this job. And if you think this ain't humiliatin' , check out that guy. He's doin' his act for free."

The Old Jewish Man was side-stepping on the street with his pants down, singing: "Old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be!"

"Looks just like me, slim, black…well, not black but DYN-O-MITE!" J.J. laughed.

The sirens were not far away, which wasn't a good sign.

"J.J.!" said Fat Albert. "We need a favor from you! We gotta get moving and win the Cannonball! But we've got cops coming after our bacon!"

"Why'd they want your bacon? Ain't they happy with just the eggs?"

"Never mind that. Just distract the cops for us, would you?"

Fat Albert jumped back into the Iron Tiger with the gang, driving away before the police turned round the block to catch them. Out of pure instinct, J.J. leapt across the road, waving his jug and shouting out:

"LEMONADE! NICE COLD JUICY LEMONADE!"

The police cars braked, smashing into each other.

J.J. couldn't stop laughing at himself. "DYN-O-MITE! That always works!"

****

XXX

"So, if you see any of those Cannonballers, don't hesitate to cut off their heads!"

Dick Dastardly was up to his dirty deeds with the deranged and dysfunctional Sawyer family in Texas. It was an advantage to him that he knew various villains around the globe to help him out.

"Sure will do, Dastardly!" said Drayton Sawyer. "Me and the boys are hungry for some blood! Ain't that right, fellas?"

Nubbins and Leatherface were ready for action. Grandpa slowly nodded his head.

****

XXX

"It sure is pouring down tonight!" Homer Simpson said, switching on the Blood Hawk's headlights. "Thank God we don't have this kind of weather in Springfield!"

With the other family members fast asleep, Bart was staring blankly out of the window, watching the thunder clap now and then. His eyes slowly dropped, indicating that he was about to fall to dreamland anytime soon. But his eyes shot open when a pickup truck appeared with Leatherface yanking his chainsaw.

Bart gasped, pointing hysterically at the window with no clear words coming out of his mouth. "D-d-dad!" he stuttered, pulling on his t-shirt.

"What is it, boy?"

"O-o-outside…!"

"You want to open the window for some fresh air? Good thinking!" Homer opened the window for Bart, much to his extreme horror. "Air conditioning wastes gas, you know!"

"Get 'em, Leatherface!" shouted Nubbins.

Bart shut his eyes. Leatherface raised his chainsaw for the slaughter…until he heard the horn of massive tanker truck, about to ram straight into the Sawyers…

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

When Bart opened his eyes, the Sawyers had vanished.

"Phew! Just a bad dream." he wiped away his sweat and sat back down to his seat. "That's the last time I drink an Icee and a Dr. Pepper in one go."

****

XXX

Gazpacho had done a magnificent job driving through New Mexico, Arizona and Utah. Nevada didn't seem too difficult to for him either. His friends were pleased with his contribution to the group. However, he had one thing to complain about…

"(I don't get it.)" he said, looking at his wrapped up taco. "(I got this out from some place called Taco Bell, but I didn't receive any bell! Just the taco!)"

Everyone tried to hide their laughs.

****

XXX

Toya had lost track of where they were in Oklahoma. Tomoyo and Sakura stepped out of the Hot Violet to ask somebody for directions. That was when they bumped into an odd stranger…

"(Excuse me, sir.)" Tomoyo asked the old man. "(We're quite lost. Would you be kind enough to assist us with directions please?)"

"Old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be!" The Old Jewish Man performed his ridiculous dace at the girls, who covered their faces in embarrassment.

"(Tomoyo-chan. I don't think this weird otaku understands Japanese.)" said Sakura. "(We'd best be going!)"

****

XXX

Through Missouri, Kansas and Colorado, Alex Karev had driven the J.B. Crystal without any damage done.

"Now stay calm, young lady." Dr. Van Helsing was preparing to give Meredith a sedative shot. Before doing so, he gave his syringe a little taste. "You'll only feel a little pinch out of this!"

Just then, George spotted police cars behind them.

"We're being followed!" he said, distracting the interns' attention, even Meredith.

Dr. Van Helsing plunged his syringe into Alex's arm by mistake.

"Ow!" Alex rubbed his arm, and suddenly felt sleepy…

"Oh, Jesus! No!" Meredith threw her hands onto the wheel, steering the J.B. Crystal awkwardly past all the honking cars and angry drivers.

****

XXX

Calvin and Hobbes were in Montana, trying to lose the police car.

"The route through Minnesota and North Dakota has proved to be successful." said Hobbes delightfully. "We've only had one cop after us in each state so far."

"This is more fun than our wagon rides!" said Calvin, enjoying the hell out of the race.

****

XXX

Down in South Dakota, Stewie Griffin had stopped to offer his 'kind' help with a lost man and his car.

"It's quite all right." he said, insisting that the man's car would be able to cross the river in one piece. "Trust me, it's a shortcut!"

Otto Meyer drove into the river, his car sinking slowly as he was pulled in by the river's current.

"What's the matter with you, kid? You told me the stream was shallow!" he shouted angrily, shaking a fist at him. "You double-crossing little brat! Why, I oughtta…ooh! I'll get even with you!"

Stewie waved him farewell to the grumbling man as he was carried away.

****

XXX

Hinata and Sakura weren't expecting to bump into the Lee Brothers in Seattle, Washington. But there they were in competition, exchanging friendly winks and smiles. Amidst the police cars, they were far too distracted.

"(Great drivers!)" Sakura gave the boys a thumb up.

"(These girls are more talented than I imagined.)" Yang thought. "(Let's see if they can outrun us on the next track!)"

****

XXX

The route from Wisconsin to Iowa to Nebraska to Wyoming to Idaho to Oregon was calculated to be an easy path, according to Washu. But the worst thing they ran into along the way were too many police cars.

"(I'm bored.)" Mihoshi yawned. "(Hey, let's watch some TV! I hope Moldiver's back with a second season!)"

"(Mihoshi, how could think about TV at a time like this?)" Kiyone growled, frustrated at her idiocy. "(We've been chased none stop by the police in every state!)"

"(What's this channel?)" said Sasami, looking curiously at the old man on the screen, singing:

"Old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be!"

Misao looked away in disgust. "(That's rather distasteful.)"

"(I'd rather watch Big Bird did big poop on Sesame Street.)" said Rumiya.

****

XXX

In San Francisco, California, Jon Arbuckle was becoming a little too carried away with his driving downtown. He didn't care about the police cars chasing them.

"This is amazing!" he said, dodging and swerving past every car that got in his way. "I've never felt so alive! I feel like the king of the road!"

"Hey, Jon." said Garfield. "Would it be okay if I took the dricing wheel and had a shot at this at some point?"

"Sure, Garfield." Jon replied, his attention elsewhere. "You can have all the lasagna you want after we win this race!"

****

XXX

Somewhere outside of the state, Norman Bates was welcoming his new guests at the famous (or infamous) Bates Motel. He hadn't had a customer in quite a while…

"Dirty night." he said under his umbrella.

"Evening, sir." waved Chef. "One of our boys needs to use the bathroom."

"We have twelve vacancies, twelve cabins, twelve…"

"This is an emergency, god damn it!" a dancing Cartman couldn't hold his bowels much longer. He desperately needed the toilet fast…or else. "Just give me a friggin' cabin or something!"

"Very well." Norman reached for his keys and handed them to Cartman. "Cabin One."

One hour later…

"Jesus! How much longer does Cartman have to crap in there?" complained Stan. "He's like, been in there forever!"

Cartman was taking his time in the cabin, indulging himself in his own private luxury. Humming a sweet lullaby to himself in the shower, he had completely forgotten about his friends and the Cannonball Run. He only wished life was better…

"Come sail away, come sail away with me!" he sang, unbeknownst of the dark figure that had entered his bathroom. Norman crept silently towards the child, clutching the shower curtains.

"What the…?" Cartman jumped when the curtains unveiled Norman in his mother's clothes, holding a butcher knife with a disturbing grin. "AAAAA!!"

"AAAAA!!" Norman dropped his knife, screaming his head off before Cartman's hideous and grotesque body. It was far too much to bear for his weak eyes.

"AAAAA!!"

"AAAAA!!"

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

A terrified Cartman dashed out of the cabin in his towels for the Crazy Bear.

"Cartman? What the hell happened to you?" said Kyle, shocked to see him without any clothes on. "Did the shower run too cold for you?"

"Mmmmphmpmhpmh." mumbled Kenny, pointing at Cartman's exposed private parts.

"DRIVE!" Cartman screamed at the top of his lungs. "JUST DRIVE!"

Chef stepped on it, leaving the Bates Motel behind.

****

XXX

In Los Angeles, Chiyo rushed back to her friends, after purchasing a strange dummy from a store in Hollywood.

"(What did you buy?)" Tomo asked her.

"(The storekeeper gave me this free of charge!)" Chiyo replied joyfully. "(People sure are kind in California!)"

Slappy tried to keep as still as possible when he felt the Super Piranha move. Rolling his eyes around the Japanese girls, he knew he'd made the right move. They were the perfect slaves for him…especially considering their strong form of politeness.

"Huh?" Slappy felt someone sniffing on his shoe. Mr. Tadakichi sensed something rather fishy about Slappy, and he licked his foot to see if anything was to happen. Very ticklish, Slappy held back his giggles, nudging his leg to shoo off the pesky dog. "Stop that, you overgrown rug!"

But Mr. Tadakichi didn't obey. He bit Slappy on the leg and swung him around like a toy.

"Tadakichi-san!" cried Chiyo, watching him smash her dummy against the walls.

"OW! ACK! STOP!" Slappy begged in agony. "PUT ME DOWN!"

Mr. Tadakichi did so, tossing him out of the Super Piranha and onto the sidewalk.

"Fiddlesticks! I've failed again!" an annoyed Slappy kicked against the brick wall.

But a pair of new hands suddenly raised him off the ground, and Alfalfa stared at him peculiarly. The rest of the Little Rascals caught up, amazed to see what their pal had picked up.

"That's one weird dummy you got there, Alfalfa." said Spanky.

"He's not a dummy!" Alfalfa objected. "I think I'm going to keep him!"

Slappy was smiling with pleasure…though it was abruptly cut short when their dog Petey growled antagonistically at him.

"Uh-oh."

****

XXX

In Hawaii, Mulder and Scully were having a frisky encounter with Stitch, who simply refused to leave the Green Amazone. Mulder searched frantically for his stun gun.

"Hurry, Mulder." said Scully. "Who knows what this thing is capable of doing."

However, Lilo Pelekai stepped in to defend her loving pet. "Stop! He's doesn't mean any harm!" she cried. "Stitch here just wants to have your autograph! He's a big fan of the Cannonball Run!"

The agents paused.

"Young girl, do you own this…?" a confused Scully pointed at the playful Stitch, offering his pad and pen to her.

"Sure!" Lilo nodded. "Don't be scared…he doesn't bite Cannonballers!"

Scully accepted Stitch's pen, although it was half covered in his saliva.

"That's the first alien we've encountered, asking for our autograph." Mulder commented. "Young miss, I hope you understand what kind of life form you're dealing with here."

"Of course, we were all drawn from Disney, you know! They don't allow us to do anything violent in our movies, you know!"

****

XXX

Outside somewhere in the Pacific, Gilligan and Jonas Grumby (otherwise known as the Skipper) had successfully built a raft in another attempt to escape from their island.

"Okay, Gilligan." said the Skipper. "First we'll sail as far as we can to find land. And then we'll come back here to rescue the others! Sound easy?"

"Clear as glass, Skipper…I just hope we don't sail halfway out of space."

"You don't know anything about space."

"I do know one thing. You take up more of it than I do."

A distant rumbling broke their conversation…Gilligan and the Skipper peered out into the distance to see the Hyper Speeder speeding towards their direction.

"Over here!" Gilligan waved at them. "Help us!"

The Hyper Speeder was too fast to notice them, and it crashed into their raft, hurling them both into the sea.

"Did any of you hear something?" said Ryan amongst his team. "I could have sworn I heard something back there."

None of the Madagascar Penguins replied, and they continued on with their journey, leaving Gilligan and the Skipper floating back to their island.

"Oh, Gilligan, not again."

"Sorry, Skipper!"

****

XXX

"Alaska?" Nyasu hissed at the map. "How the heck did we ever get here to Alaska?"

Musashi snatched away the map, scrolling it up to whack Kojiro on the head continuously. "You idiot, Kojiro! You gave us the wrong directions! How are we meant to get to Australia at this rate?"

"But I always wanted to visit Alaska!" he whined. "I've been reading all about it in this latest edition of Lonely Planet!"

Nyasu tore the book up to shreds with his claws, making Kojiro's face turn blue.

"Enough reading and back to racing!"

****

XXX

"How long have we been out in the Pacific?" asked Baby Herman.

Nobody was exactly sure. But Roger Rabbit had a stroke of an idea to keep the group entertained and on their feet from their exhausted state.

"Say…why not we turn on the good old fashioned radio?" he suggested. "Boy, it's about time we had some music around here to lighten our moods! I'm dying for it!"

Roger switched on the radio, and immediately, a disturbing voice sang:

"Old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be! Ain't what she used to be!"

xxx

Author's Note: I suggest you try downloading the Freakazoid episode 'Relax-O-Vision' (pretty funny stuff!). Or better yet, search on youtube. You're bound to find it!

You'll be seeing it occasionally throughout the story…perhaps at moments you least expect!


	5. Divine Intervention

****

Chapter Four: Divine Intervention

xxx

"Top of the day to you all, fans! It's another exciting day for the Cannonball Run!"

"That's right, Hikari!" said Kasumi. "Our racers have made it across to the Pacific and Down Under! It won't be easy navigating through all those itty bitty islands along the way!"

"It'd be quite the feat, for sure!" said Haruka. "Our correspondent in Sydney has much more to say about this! Rocko…?"

****

XXX

"Morning over there, ladies!" Rocko waved. "The Cannonballers will sure be facing a tough time getting out of this tangle! They'll need all the right skills and practice to make it to Australia. I wish all those beloved racers the best of luck! Back to you, Haruka!"

****

XXX

"Thanks, Rocko! I'm sure everyone here is feeling the same for those brave Cannonballers! There's tough times ahead for all of them! I'm Haruka!"

"I'm Kasumi!"

"And I'm Hikari! Don't miss anything now! Because there won't be reruns!"

****

XXX

"Yamato, I'm not sure if our pals will make this out alive." said Taichi, feeling a bit unconfident with their complicated map of Oceania. "This'll be like finding a pin in a haystack…and those are some weird names I see. Where on Earth is…Dnalaez Wen?"

Yamato was quicker to realize that the map was in reverse. After slapping Taichi on the head again, he flipped it round. "That's New Zealand, backwards!"

****

XXX

"They may have outsmarted Mr. Justice, but that's just the beginning." General Foyt scrunched up his map of North America, tossing it in the trashcan. "You can rely on Sharky and Georges to catch those Cannonballers before they reach Australia!"

"Australia? I've wanted to go there for years!"

"No one cares about what you think, Proctor." snorted Mauser.

"That's the sad thing about you guys…"

****

XXX

Asuka was furious over Shinji for being so inexperienced in professional racing. While most of the Cannonballers were way ahead, they were unfortunately stuck in the Pitcairn Islands.

"Baka, Shinji!" she scolded him, yanking his hair. "(You suck even worse at racing than a retired Michael Schumacher! Move aside, because I'm taking over as pilot!)" she rudely pushed him aside, taking the wheel.

Despite her fiery attitude, Shinji feared Asuka was going to make them fall more behind in the Cannonball Run. "(Rei…do something! Who knows what Asuka might do next!)"

Rei replied in very few words. "(It's fine, Shinji. Give her a chance.)"

****

XXX

Having passed French Polynesia, Go Mifune was in the Cook Islands. And of course, his speed was of no match to the police, with the Blue Falcon 2 speeding past every single car. It was until he reached a dead end on the road, Mifune gasped…as traditional in his TV shows.

"AH!"

But with a sharp turn, he avoided the steep cliff, saving himself from a plunge several feel down into the ocean. The police hadn't quite enough time to react, and jumped out of their cars avoiding death.

****

XXX

"Not a bad place."

Through Kiribati and American Samoa, Maverick Mitchell had made it to Niue with no hassle from police…or at least much. A few waves from a few people, and a distracted Maverick accidentally crashed the Little Wyvern into a coconut tree.

It seemed his absence from Top Gun was having a side affect on him.

****

XXX

"It's best to remain calm about this, Monica."

"Sure, Rachel…now that we're lost on Tokelau!" Monica and the gang were afraid a typhoon might hit them any minute if they weren't to drive out fast. "Where do we go from here?"

"Let's see…" Ross tried to keep the map on his hands, despite the strong winds. But even so, it just HAD to blow away. "Oh, no!"

"ROSS! How could you?" shouted Monica.

"Quick! After that map!" said Chandler, hopping back into the Moon Shadow.

****

XXX

"We've passed Samoa…Wallis and Futuna…which means we must be in Tonga!"

Nyasu's theory was correct. Team Rocket were certainly catching up with the other Cannonballers, thanks to Kojiro for making his corrections after their unnecessary stop in Alaska. He was exhausted, having not gotten much sleep for the past few days.

"I'm tired!" he yawned without covering his mouth. "I'm going to sleep now…"

"Oh, no you're not!" Musashi kicked him in his private parts. "You keep reading that map and make sure we don't fall off track again!"

****

XXX

"Hoo! Hoo! I love Fiji!" Roger Rabbit couldn't keep his eyes off all the sandy beaches the Blue Falcon passed by. It was a shame they weren't here to holiday. "If only my dear Jessica were here now…oh, how I still love thee."

"You feeling blue again, Roger?" asked Eddie.

"Kinda…"

"What happened between the two of you?" Dolores had to ask, though Roger was finding it hard to find the words.

"It's a toon thing, toots." said Baby Herman, puffing on his cigar. "You wouldn't understand."

****

XXX

The CSI team were in Tuvalu, risking everything they could to get to Australia.

"We have company." said Catherine, spotting a police car.

Dr. Grissom had a plan to get them out of this problematic situation. "Hang on, tight!" he said, pulling on a red lever.

The Stingray spun, whacking the police car off the road.

"That was easy." Nick commented, although he noticed a dozen more police cars following them soon after. "I spoke too soon."

****

XXX

"How could we be in the Marshall Islands?" Voldemort exclaimed at Draco Malfoy. "Don't you know your North to South and East to West, boy?"

"It's not easy with this small compass, Lord."

"Sorry." Snape apologized. "I should have bought a bigger one back in America. You never know what size you'll get."

****

XXX

In Norfolk Island, Artemis Fowl was strolling casually in the Great Star, having encountered no police on the island. Iorek Byrnsion still kept on the lookout, nevertheless.

"Fear not, Iorek." said Artemis. "I highly doubt we'll ever run into any trouble here…why, it's even most impossible that we'll even collide with another…"

It was too late. Artemis wasn't looking where he was going, and crashed right into a police car.

Iorek threw a paw over his face in shame. "This is not good."

****

XXX

Down in the gorgeous New Zealand, A.J. and Meadow were trying to think up the name of the famous trilogy that was filmed in this country.

"What were those films called?" Meadow asked Chrissy.

"The Lord of the Rings." he replied. "But don't go believing all that stuff about wizards and orcs. They're only make believe."

****

XXX

"AWWW!"

Mr. Bean found it hard keeping his trembling hands firm on the Fire Scorpion. Jeannie was constantly blowing him kisses, persuading him to let her pass. He did so, letting the Spark Moon purr away ahead of him.

****

XXX

Over at Wellington, Freddy and Jason stormed menacingly inside a church…

"Hey, buddy!" Freddy rudely called out to the priest praying at the altar. "No time for kneeling on your balls! We need to ask you for some directions here!"

Father McGruder spun round. At once seeing the two demons present inside his church, he took immediate action…

"The Devil is amongst us! This calls for divine intervention!" he snatched the nearest candle rod, gripping it like a staff and swinging it like a Xiaolin monk.

Freddy and Jason were alarmed by the priest's eccentric and flamboyant performance.

"I kick arse for the Lord…YAAAAAH!!"

McGruder somersaulted towards his opponents, ninja style, springing up like a kangaroo and kicking them both in the face…

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

It was a fight uncalled for. Freddy and Jason were thrown out of the church through the glass windows, having received no help from the priest whatsoever.

"Now don't let me find you two creeping round here again! Or else next time I'll bring out the holy water!"

****

XXX

Ernie was telling jokes at Bert to pass the time in Vanuatu…

"Hey, Bert! Why are fishes so smart?"

Bert tiredly moaned. "I don't know, Ernie. Why are they so smart?"

"Because they swim in schools!"

Ernie's sniggering didn't help Bert get anywhere amused. Even Fozzie could have pulled a better joke than that one.

****

XXX

"Who's this we have here?" said James Bond, looking over at the Origammy.

007 never thought he'd run into tracks with Mr. Mistoffelees in New Caledonia. Neither him nor Kim Possible knew about his magical cheek, and were about to learn.

"What is he riding?" Kim thought.

Both machines running together at full speed, Mr. Mistoffelees could see that James Bond wasn't willing to let him overtake him so generously. Perhaps it was time for him to…

"Hey! He disappeared." said Kim, looking all around the road to find the cat. "Right out of thin air!"

James searched too, but with no luck. It was then he realized that the Origammy was in fact way ahead of them. Tricked for the first and last time, Bond stepped on the gas and chased after it.

"You clever cat…"

****

XXX

Henry Sugar was in Nauru, figuring out where to get off the island. He believed he was the only Cannonballer here. He was proved wrong, however, when Bozo the Clown overtook him.

"Hoo! Hoo!" Bozo whizzed ahead of him.

"That's the last time I'll drink another Jack Daniel's. I've seen far too many clowns driving cars."

****

XXX

"Who does that creep think he is? Faster, you slobs! I don't pay you to slack around!"

Princess Devilotte was unimpressed by Spawn as they competed in the Solomon Islands. She ordered Dr. Stein and Jigoku to work harder and push El Dorado faster. Her screams were so loud, even Spawn could hear every word.

"I pity her parents." he thought to himself.

****

XXX

In Lord Howe Island…

"Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles, they're fast!" Captain Haddock was racing against Jack Sparrow's Wonder Wasp, which was more of a challenge for him than he expected. "Keep Milou under control back there!"

Dupond and Dupont were unable keep Milou down from all his barking. Meanwhile, Elaine Marley was giving Jack Sparrow all the support he needed to beat the Space Angler.

"Come on, Sparrow! You can lose them!" she said. "You could be the last pirate in the world who could win the Cannonball Run!"

"Captain Jack Sparrow, the last pirate who won the Cannonball Run…I like the sound of that!"

"Um, Jack, I think we've got another problem in our hands." Guybrush spotted Sydney Bristow running up between both machines in her Fighting Comet.

"Harlequin!" Captain Haddock cursed, watching her stroll right past them.

"I need boost power." Sydney launched her boost power and blasted away, leaving them in her smoke.

****

XXX

"We've got them, Sharky!"

"I told you we'd find them here in the Northern Mariana Islands, Georges."

Sharky and Georges were close to catching the Cosmic Dolphin. Olive was growing worried by the second, and begged Popeye to loose them. SpongeBob was the feeling the same too.

"Those fishies are coming up pretty fast, Patrick!" he said. "Only a miracle can save us now!"

"Hey, SpongeBob." Patrick pointed out to the sea. "What's that big blue thing coming out? Is that who I think it is?"

Ecco the dolphin emerged from the water, knocking Sharky and Georges off their bike with his tail.

"Well, blow me down!" Popeye remarked.

"Thanks, Ecco!" SpongeBob waved. "We owe you one!"

****

XXX

In Guam, Montana Max was having a close encounter with Elmyra…literally.

"Oh, Monty!" Elmyra squeezed him like a teddy bear. "We're so proud of you, dodging all those bad police cars! I just know that we're gonna win!"

"Too…hard!" Montana choked under his breath.

"Now isn't that a pretty picture, Babs?" said Buster Bunny, embracing her romantically. "Why not say we do the same…for all those die-hard fans watching us?"

"Easy, Buster." Babs paused. "We're barely halfway through this story. This is a feature length film, remember. So save the best for last."

Watching everyone occupied with love in their minds, Brain was secretly plotting to hijack the Fat Shark for himself.

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Brain. But this time, you wear the tutu!"

****

XXX

After a rough time in the Federated States of Micronesia, Stormy and Electra continued their frictional rivalry in Palau. Both machines generating massive electricity, they sped across the islands faster than any typhoon.

"Give up already, kid? Need me to ride you back home to your baby crib?" Electra taunted.

"Fat chance, weed head!" Stormy retaliated. "I'll be dancing in storm clouds by the time you reach the finish line!"

****

XXX

In Tasmania, Dora and Boots had run into an old friend…

"So what brings you here, Dora?" asked Crash Bandicoot. "Teaching some kids to stay away from drugs? Or reminding them about safe sex?"

"Um…not exactly." said Dora, sweat dropping. "Boots and I are racing in the Cannonball Run. And there are some mean people out there trying to stop us from winning! You have help stop them, Crash!"

Crash heard the police cars coming…

"Leave them to me! I LOVE busting up cars!"

"Thanks! Just make sure you don't kill anyone!"

Dora and Boots rushed back into the Mighty Hurricane, leaving Crash to tackle their problems.

"WAHOO!"

Crash spun as fast as he could, wrecking all of the cars that drove into him. After eliminating all of them, he took a deep breath and saw the wreckage he had caused.

"Hey!" he spoke to his audience. "Can you can count how many police cars I've smashed?"

****

XXX

In Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, Sora was having his personal competition with Squall Leonhart. With both their machines uncannily alike, it was unpredictable to tell which one between them could win.

"Come on, Sora. You can do better than this." said Riku.

"Stay focused." said Kairi. "I know you can beat them!"

Yuffie wasn't quite giving Squall the quite same encouragement…

"They're ahead of us, Leon!" she shouted, kicking on his seat like a spoiled baby. "Don't lose sight of them!"

"Stop that, Yuffie!" a crossed Rinoa scolded her. "That's very immature of you! Squall can't possibly concentrate with you bossing him around all the time!"

"Psst! Vincent!" Yuffie whispered. "This is the part where you're supposed to back me up! Say something back to Rinoa for me!"

Vincent said nothing, except: "Listen to Rinoa, Yuffie."

"Oh, Gawd…everyone's against me."

Naminé put her pad down when she heard a distant rumbling behind the Dragon Bird. Carmen Sandiego whooshed past them and Squall's team in her Red Bull before they even saw her.

"What was that?" said Roxas.

"This is certainly new." said Squall.

"Come and catch me, boys." Carmen winked.

****

XXX

The Blue Falcon had finally reached Australia's finest city, Sydney.

"Look, Eddie! The Bondi Beach!" Roger Rabbit pointed out excitedly. "Let's have a swim! Come on!" it was too tempting for him. But sadly for Eddie, he wasn't sharing the same feelings.

"Sorry, Roger. Some other time."

"Aw, phooey."

"Goodbye, beautiful beaches." said Dolores.

"And hello to more road mayhem!" said Baby Herman, seeing the road block ahead.

****

XXX

"Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!"

Lock, Shock and Barrel were giving the Powerpuff Girls a hard time. It appeared that yet another new rivalry was brewing within the Cannonball Run…

"Let's ram those sissies into that zoo!" Lock shouted.

"Blossom, watch out!" Bubbles screamed.

The Pink Spider knocked the Silver Rat straight through the entrance of the Taronga Zoo…and out through the exit covered in leaves.

"I can't see a thing!" said Buttercup. She activated the wipers, but the girls got the shock of their lives when they caught Blinky Bill's claws hanging onto their window with dear life.

"AAAA!!"

"AAAA!!" Blinky Bill screamed back at them.

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

The wipers shoved Blinky Bill off the Silver Rat.

"Whew! I'm not going through that again!" said Blossom, taking a breather. "Let's catch up with those clowns!"

****

XXX

Elsewhere, the Delight Children were having fun with Omi and his group.

"Careful, Omi!" said Dojo. "I've read about these kids! They're plain sick in the head!"

"Why not have yourselves a swim, Xiaolin dweebs!" the Delightful Children rammed the Blue Thunder off the road, plunging them into the ocean. "HA! HA! HAAA!!"

Omi and the group thought that they were done for. But thanks to Spider-Girl's web, they were dangling before they even hit the water. Mayday Parker had saved the day once again, and for the first time for the Cannonballers.

"You guys okay, down there?" she called out.

Nobody was hurt. They were all about to thank her for rescuing them, until Clay felt something oddly peculiar.

"Hey, Spider-Girl. Shouldn't you be saving lives in Manhattan?" he asked. "What in tarnations brought you here to Sydney?"

"I was cast in this movie at the last minute!" Mayday replied with a cheeky grin. "I was vacationing here anyway!"

****

XXX

In Canberra, Australia, Team Rocket had inadvertently clashed with Smith. The coincidental meeting didn't please either of them (not surprisingly). Though Smith was about to prove how superior his Super Falcon was compared to the Fire Stingray. They didn't call it 'Super' for nothing…

"Look who it is!" Nyasu smirked at Smith. "If it ain't Mr. Hollywood again, showing off his new toy and his new black shades!"

"How'd he get to Canberra?" asked Kojiro.

"Who cares?" said Musashi. She cried out: "Out of the way, Smith! Team Rocket's got a few Cannonballers to wipe out!"

"You speak many words…yet you offer little, Musashi." was Smith's stern reply. "Allow me to introduce you to the Super Falcon."

The Super Falcon rammed the Fire Stingray with an impact so strong that Team Rocket went ricocheting off buildings like a ping-pong ball. Smith smiled malevolently and drove off out of the city.

"CATCH THAT CREEP!" shouted Nyasu.


	6. How To Date A Japanese Girl

****

Chapter Five: How To Date A Japanese Girl

xxx

"Don't you believe it?" said Kasumi. "Our Cannonballers have risked the winding paths from the Pacific and are now entering the continent of Asia!"

"This should be fun!" cheered Haruka. "If you don't mind us, folks. We'll to be speaking Japanese on behalf of all our friends supporting our race in the heart of Japan!"

"(I agree with you, Haruka!)" said Hikari. "(Hey, everyone, why not see what's cooking up with our correspondent Oneesan, live at the Shinjuku district of Tokyo?)"

****

XXX

"KONNICHIWA!" Oneesan waved with a thousand other Japanese fans. "(How's everybody doing? As you can clearly see, Tokyo is swarming with youngsters this week! That's right, because the whole of Japan just can't wait for those lucky Cannonballers! Don't worry about the police, girls, I'm sure this hearty crowd will stand in their way to let this dazzling race flow smoothly! Thank you very much!)"

****

XXX

"(And it won't just be Japan our Cannonballers will have to worry about.)" said Haruka. "(I hear China and North Korea have taken a very firm step about all this commotion, not to mention complaints from Vietnam as well.)"

"(We've had warnings from Myanmar too. They don't seem incredibly happy about this race either.)" said Hikari. "(I hear they may even shoot Cannonballers in sight!)"

"(Scary, isn't it?)" said Kasumi. "(Though it can't be any scarier than in Iraq or Afghanistan. This could very well be the most spine-chilling moment for the Cannonball Run! Let's keep our hopes up! I'm Kasumi!)"

"(I'm Haruka!)"

"(And I'm Hikari!)"

An exhausted Kasumi sighed, sitting down on her seat with the girls. "(Gee, commentating these Cannonball events have sure been quite tough.)" she said, sipping her bottle of Pocari Sweat.

"(You said it.)" said Haruka, stretching her tired legs. "(It's kind of killing me, to be honest. I'm not entirely sure if I'd like to be a commentator for my future career.)"

Hikari stared peculiarly at the screen. "(Is that camera still rolling?)"

****

XXX

"(Those girls weren't kidding, Yamato.)" said Taichi, crossing out all the dangerous countries of Asia with his red marker. "(Those Cannonballers will need all the extra help they can get for this round. You don't know what might happen.)"

"(Why are you speaking in Japanese, Taichi?)" Yamato had to ask.

"(Why are you?)"

"(Not sure…)" he replied, suddenly singing a familiar tune in English. "Guess I'm turning Japanese…I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!"

"(But Yamato, we ARE Japanese.)"

"(Oh…well, I suppose that kind of defeats the purpose of the song then. Never mind.)"

****

XXX

"That's two down, sir." said Mauser, crossing out Australia on the map. "Who might you have planned for next?"

"Mr. Law should be able to tackle those Cannonballers alone…but even so, there'll be lots of trouble waiting for those pesky road rapists!"

Proctor stormed into the office dressed in shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops, much to Foyt's and Mauser's disgust. "All right, are we going to Bali?"

****

XXX

Death and Dream had chosen to take the tour through the southern regions of Asia rather than up north.

"East Timor…Indonesia…Singapore…where are we now?" said Death, reading her Lonely Planet guide to Southeast Asia. "This doesn't look quite like China to me…or else we'd be clobbered by now."

"Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia." replied Dream. His sister had to seriously brush up on her geographical knowledge.

****

XXX

"Garfield…Odie! What have you two done?"

Jon was stunned to learn that Garfield and Odie had devoured half of their food supply for Asia. And they had only traveled from the Philippines to Brunei.

"Bring on more curry, Jon!" Garfield belched. "We can take the punishment!"

****

XXX

Team Rocket rode elegantly through Tokyo, Japan. It was good to be back in their home country for a while.

"(Just think of all those Poké Balls we could snatch right now!)" a sinister grin escaped Nyasu. "(If we win this race, we'll have all the Poké Balls we need!)"

"(Say…)" thought Musashi. "(…isn't it rather weird that we're speaking in Japanese all of a sudden? Don't most of our fans know us for speaking English?)"

"(Better not give too much away!)" Kojiro hushed them. "(Think of how the kids would feel once they figure out Jesse, James and Meowth aren't our real names!)"

****

XXX

"Top of the morning to you, ladies." Alex removed his hat to greet the two Japanese girls. "My droogs and I couldn't help notice what fine pair of nogas you have. I'm sure any moodge would drill their guttiwuts and snuff it just so they could touch your delicate litsos."

Nana Komatsu and Nana Osaki didn't understand a single word the gentleman was saying.

"(Any idea what he just said?)" Osaki whispered to her friend. "(Surely you must have understood something.)"

"(I've studied English intensively for over a year.)" said Komatsu. "(But this man is very odd, if you ask me.)"

The mood was abruptly spoiled, when Beavis and Butt-head tossed buckets filled with fish guts over at Alex and his gang.

"HEH-HEH-HEH! That was cool!" laughed Beavis. "Let's get out of here!"

"YAHOODIES!" Alex shouted, distraught by his bloodstained clothes. "Get back here so I can crack you two in the yarbles!"

Beavis and Butt-head made a dash inside the Sonic Phantom, before they could be pursued by the Wild Boar.

****

XXX

Shinji covered his face in embarrassment when he saw Mana Kirishima waving across the street. Asuka was going to freak out if she was to catch them. Lucky she was too busy picking her ice cream at the AMPM store. Rei took the back seat and watched the episode unfold…

"(Long time, no see, Shinji.)" Mana winked at him. Shinji tried to keep his eyes off her summer dress, which drew him far into all sorts of temptations in his head. "(How's the race going? I hope Asuka hasn't been pushing you too hard.)"

Shinji began to blush. "(Everything's fine! We may not be in first place as of yet, but…we're getting somewhere!)" he didn't know what else to say, as his bashfulness overtook him. "(I…I…I…)"

"SHINJI!" cried a red-headed Asuka, marching out of the convenience store.

"(I think I'd best leave now…good luck, Shinji!)" Mana left him to his doom.

****

XXX

"Those girls are trying my patients…"

The Super Cat was gaining on the Super Stingray. But Spawn was a harsh racer. Switching to boost power, he rocketed away leaving a trail of flames behind. Meanwhile…

"(Did you hear something?)" said Hotaru, having heard the same clank twice. Something awfully unnatural was present inside their machine. But who knew what it was…or who? "(There it goes again!)"

"Giggity!" Quagmire relaxed his legs up onto the controls, grinning at the hot ladies surrounding him. "I love Asian girls! They'll do anything and go to any boundaries to please a man! All right!"

The Outer Senshi frowned at him.

"What?"

Hotaru opened the roof of the Super Cat while Setsuna threw him out.

"Call me sometime!" he sniggered.

School girls Mitsuki Hayase and Haruka Suzumiya were startled when they bumped paths with Quagmire. Bowing politely at him, they apologized.

"(Sorry, sir!)" said Haruka. "(We didn't mean to get in your way!)"

"(Haruka-chan, I don't think he really understands Japanese.)" said Mitsuki. "(He's a foreigner…yet…why is he giving that scary grin at us?)"

This was Quagmire's luckiest day. "So…have any of you girls ever been penetrated?"

****

XXX

Somewhere on the Shinkansen, Stormy and Electra were racing head to head at maximum speed.

"Too fast for ya, Electra?" Stormy teased. "Is it just me, or do I sense the sparks wearing you out lately? 'Cause your hair's falling down!"

"Quiet, twerp!" shouted Electra, flooring his Death Anchor. "Don't forget that I live on electricity! By the time I'm fully charged, I'll turn you wussy machine into a jackass!"

Little did they know that behind them on the center track were the Machinegal Dolls, operating their own design of a bullet train, capable of draining out the batteries from Stormy's and Electra's machines.

"HO! HO! HO! HO! HOOOO!" the girls laughed…too soon.

Because of the high current of electricity flowing between their targets, the process was somewhat reversed. Hence, the battery from their own train was completely drained in mere seconds, causing it to lose speed and stop dead on its tracks.

If that wasn't bad enough, a Shinkansen 500 train was coming up to opposite direction…the Machinegal Dolls covered their eyes.

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

In the outskirts of Seoul, South Korea, famous royal physician Seo Jang-geum had been chosen to cook for special guests. With all her main ingredients, she started burning the wood and boiling her delicious soup preserved in its giant pot. But then…

"Snoopy!" shouted the voice of Charlie Brown. " Look out for that…!"

As the Fire Ball zoomed past, her giant pot was knocked over, spilling everything all over the dirt. This left Jang-geum utterly displeased.

"Hmph!"

A while later…

Jang-geum had everything ready in her pot again. Though she wasn't exactly ready for another disaster to unfold.

"Oughta my way!" Tommy Vercetti cried, knocking over her pot as the Big Fang passed.

Jang-geum pulled a disgusted face.

Another while later…

While Jang-geum was mixing her soup with fresh vegetables, she heard a distant sound. Sensing that another Cannonballer was to cause something dire again, she lifted up her Hanbok and purposely kicked her pot over. Now she was sure that nothing would go wrong (at least by the fault of a Cannonballer).

"Hi, lady!" Yuffie waved as Squall drove the Dragon Bird EX carefully past her. He wouldn't have wanted to take blame of her spilled soup, which he could have easily avoided otherwise. "Bye, lady!"

Jang-geum wanted to slap herself, but instead passed out.

****

XXX

Sergeant Oh Kyeong-pil and Private Jeong Woo-jin were at a checkpoint not far away from North Korea's capital, Pyongyang. Both had been told to stay full alert of any Cannonballers that may cross by.

"(How long have we been soldiers?)" said Woo-jin, feeling sentimental. "(I'd do anything to go back home and see my wife and daughter! I miss them so much!)"

Kyeong-pil slapped him on the head. "(Stop getting so melodramatic! You should be proud and honored that we're serving to protect our republic and our people!)"

"(Still though…I miss my wife's cooking…not to mention her delicious kimchi…and bibimbap!)"

Kyoneg-pil was forced to slap him again. "(Enough with food! Keep your eyes peeled!)"

****

XXX

Getting past the DMZ was beyond life-risking. But Smith proved to be the top of the cream with Eddie Valiant. The man drove murderously to get anywhere past him…even if it meant destroying the Blue Falcon.

"I'm thoroughly going to enjoy this, Mr. Valiant." Smith smiled dominantly. "Prepare to meet your uncalled demise…"

"Jeepers! Smith's putting up quite a match against us!" said Roger Rabbit. "Eddie, you have to do something or else we'll end up trapped in the DPRK for the rest of our lives!"

"I'm trying!" shouted Eddie, keeping control of his wheel. "That maniac's toonier than Doom!"

"Look out for that check point!" Dolores pointed out.

"Hold on to your diapies!" Baby Herman cried.

By the fracion of a chance, the Blue Falcon and Super Falcon crossed the checkpoint undetected, thanks to Woo-jin snoring away asleep on his chair. Not even the screeching sound of their machines was loud enough to wake him.

"(YOU IMBECILE!)" Kyeong-pil yelled at the Private, kicking him fiercely off his chair. "(I put you on guard for ten minutes, and you let those idiot Cannonballers pass through the check point?)"

"(Sorry…)" was all Woo-jin could say, rubbing his aching head.

"(I swear, the General's going to have us executed when he finds out about this!)" Kyeong-pil took off his hat, stressing out. "(What do we do?)"

"(Maybe if we carve wooden dummies of ourselves and pose as trees, that would help.")

Silence fell…and Kyeong-pil slapped him once again. "(You're full of shit, Woo-jin!)"

****

XXX

"Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!" Lock, Shock and Barrel had Omi's group right where they wanted them at Tiananmen Square in Beijing, China. Much like what they did to the Powerpuff Girls, they were to give the Xiaolin students just as much hell.

"It's those three goofballs!" said Kimiko, recognizing them at once.

The Blue Thunder and Pink Spider clashed into each other, leaving severe road marks along the way.

****

XXX

Outside of Taipei, Taiwan, Lao Fu Zi and the boys were at an isolated lake fishing for their lunch. None of them had successfully caught a single bite. Though peaceful as it seemed, it was all about to change…

"(Time to grab some grub!)" Lao Fu Zi swung his fishing rod. At same time, Popeye whooshed by behind them. The hook on Lao Fu Zi's rod got stuck to the Cosmic Dolphin, which caused him to be hurled out of his chair at once. "(HELP!)"

Big Sweet Potato and Mr. Chin grabbed hold of him before he could be whisked away, but they were dragged into the mess…quite literally.

"(STOP!)"

The three men begged Popeye to stop his machine, but Popeye was too busy humming to himself.

"Skip-pi-dee-doo…"

****

XXX

"How do I look?" asked Sabrina.

"You are aware that you're increasing your risk of skin cancer." said Salem, not too impressed by her 'beauty' tan. "I think you overdid the sunbathing down in Phuket."

"We're not in Phuket anymore, Salem. We're in Bangkok."

"I know…I bet you came to see a lot of handsome guys around here."

"As a matter of fact…I did." Sabrina removed her sunglasses, her eyes caught in the attention of James Bond, eating in a cafeteria with Kim Possible. "I think I'm in love."

"You don't surprise me."

Sabrina was so drawn that she HAD to approach him. She stopped, however, when Freddy and Jason blocked her path.

"Excuse me, young miss." Freddy asked. "Do you know the way to…"

"AAAA!!" Sabrina screamed, casting a force spell that clonked Freddy's and Jason's heads together, knocking them out cold. "Oops…sorry."

"Bravo." Salem commented sarcastically.

James Bond had rushed to Sabrina's rescue, having heard herscream.

"You all right?" James asked.

"I…I…" Sabrina felt her heart beating…she was speechless.

"I think she's fine, James." said Kim, taking his hand and pulling him away. "Hurry! I think we might be a little behind in the race!"

"Salem…what just happened there?" asked Sabrina, watching James Bond drive away in the Golden Fox.

"You were dumped…let it go."

****

XXX

Mario and Sonic were sand tracking in the Gobi Desert in Mongolia. Having caused enough trouble in Ulaanbaatar, they simply refused to stop.

"Eat my dirt, pizza face!" shouted Sonic.

"Kiss-a my mamma, ham-a hog!" shouted Mario.

Not far off, loving couple Kim Ji-hoon and Asai Tomoko were exploring the wonders of the Gobi Desert on their camels, hand-in-hand. Neither of them were hoping to run into any Cannonballers, especially the King and Queen Meteor!

"(Look out!)" Tomoko screamed.

They rushed aside quickly, avoiding to be struck. The machines rushed past, leaving a trail of sand to cover their tracks…and them.

"(Well…)" Ji-hoon coughed, sweeping the dirt off his clothes. "(…there's something you don't see every day.)"

****

XXX

What a coincidence it was for the Lee Brothers to run into Hinata and Sakura at the gas station in Hong Kong. As always the girls and boys kept their feelings amongst themselves, with all the same blushes coming from both sides. Meiling Li was there to see it all happen, since Toya had stopped the Hot Violet to get some gas too.

"(I'm getting hot in my red jumpsuit!)" said Sakura, partially unzipping it.

"(Not so much!)" Hinata warned her. "(The boys are looking!)"

"(I see you boys have a strong interest in those cute Japanese birds.)" Meiling intervened, approaching the Lee Brothers. "(I suppose you'd like to talk to them and get to know them a little better.)"

"(Um…)" Yang said hesitantly. "(Problem is, we've never dated girls before in our lives.)"

"(That makes it all more worthwhile then, doesn't it?)" Meiling laughed. "(Syaoran's crush on Sakura was his very first, and I've lived to see that tale. Those two love birds just can't keep their eyes off each other. Sad that I was initially engaged to him…but I slowly accepted that change.)"

"(Quiet a ride you've been trhough.)" said Yun. "(But seeing your cousin falling in love with Sakura…you must know what it takes to attract a Japanese girl's attention. I don't mean to sound odd…but, could you give us some tips?)"

"(Sure, no proble-)"

"(Nope! You can't talk about this kind of material in this movie!)" the Censor Lady stepped into the scene. Meiling and the Lee Brothers were surprised how fluent she spoke in Cantonese. "(This can be rather inappropriate for the kids watching.)"

"(Oh, come on!)" Meiling fussed. "(It's not like I was about to say anything explicit! We know well enough that we're in a family film! Give us cast people a break!)"

But the Censor Lady shook her head. Powerless to control the censors, Meiling walked away, grumbling: "(Go back to the dumpster, you old hag…)"

"(I heard that.)"

Meanwhile, police officer Sammo Law had caught the Cannonballers right where he wanted them…

"Okay, everybody!" he shouted, pointing his gun at them. "This is a bust! All of you will have to come with me to the police station!"

"(We'd love to but…)" Meiling looked desperately for any possible distraction she could find. "(…look behind you! It's Jackie Chan!)"

"Where?"

Sammo Law was so gullible to turn around and stare blankly at the giant billboard of the famous kung-fu star. The Cannonballers rushed into their machines and sped off into the direction of Macau.

Hours later at night time, Sammo Law was STILL staring at the billboard in utter amazement.

"On closer inspection, I'd say that looks like a billboard."

****

XXX

"You look-a-like-a man!"

"For the last time, I AM a man!"

"No…you look-a-like-a man, but you are very strong lady in hot pants!"

Duke Nukem couldn't tell how much longer he could take Ms. Swan. He was feeling sorry he'd picked her up in Vietnam and offered to drive her to Bangladesh…of all places. Having passed Cambodia and Laos, they were in the dangerous grounds of Myanmar.

"Holy shit!" Duke avoided all the gunfire he was getting in Naypyidaw. "Hold on, Ms. Swan! This is gonna get nasty!"

"OOOH! I likee!"

****

XXX

"That's a peculiar one."

Jeannie noticed El Dorado catching up fast behind her. She never imagined to find another Cannonballer up in the isolated kingdom of Bhutan. Thimphu was awfully calm until Devilotte strode in screaming her head off.

"Shift to warp speed!" Devilotte ordered.

"But my Princess, it's not…"

"Shut up and do as I tell you, pea brain!" she scolded Dr. Stein, who regrettably activated the switch. "Time for some real hard core action…WHOAAAAA!!"

El Dorado shot like a missile past Jeannie, over mountains, plains and rivers. The speed was so overwhelming that Devilotte could barely hold onto herself.

"SHUT IT OFF!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "SHUT THE DAMN THING OFF!"

Dr. Stein did so, letting Devilotte fly right into the control box.

"MMMM!!"

Devilotte struggled to get her head out. But with a helping hand from Jigoku, she was freed from her tiny prison. Inspecting herself in her mirror, her face dropped in sheer horror upon her black stained face and sooty hair.

"AAAAAA!!"

****

XXX

After traveling past Tibet and across the Himalayas, the Mask was having a small contest with Mr. Mistoffelees in Kathmandu, Nepal. While he at first took the proud lead, Mr. Mistoffelees used his whimsical magic and placed himself in front of him.

"Hmm…" the Mask watched him give a friendly wave. "…two can play that kind of game!"

****

XXX

Mr. 'Everything Comes From India' was happy to point out absolutely everything and everyone in New Delhi that was from the rich and cultural India.

"Indian…Indian…Indian…" he said. That was until the Black Bull crashed through the building behind him, scaring the pants off the poor man. "NOT INDIAN! NOT INDIAN! NOT INDIAN!"

"Out of my way, infidels!" Voldemort scorned. "Curse all of your wretched vegetable samosa and sickening tandoori chicken!"

****

XXX

Past Sri Lanka, the CSI team were now in the Maldives. Warrick was feeling worried they weren't going to make it to Europe before the other Cannonballers would.

"You sure we'll get there before the rest?" he asked.

"It's better than driving in Baghdad." said Nick.

****

XXX

Bozo the Clown and Pee-wee Herman had traveled up, down, back and forth in Central Asia. Through Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, back to Uzbekistan and up to Kazhakstan, it was one wild roller coaster ride for both of them. But of course, both were used to this kind of adventure…

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

The exchange of laughter kept rolling.

****

XXX

Up through Armenia, Azerbaijan and Georgia, the Blue Falcon was well on its way to Europe. Roger Rabbit was hopping mad about their new destinations.

"Hoo! Hoo! France…Italy…Spain…all these places I gotta see!"

"But didn't you already see them before, Roger?" asked Dolores.

"Sure…but what that was in another Cannonball Run!"

"Count me in!" said Baby Herman. "This is my first time!"

"Buckle up!" said Eddie. "Who knows where Smith might strike us next!"

****

XXX

After Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iran, Richie Rich was bravely venturing into Baghdad, Iraq. There came a point when Audrey and Lulu were in need to use the bathroom. Richie wasn't feeling too enthusiastic…

"We have to go now, Richie!" squealed Lulu.

"You girls already went when we were in Iran!" said an annoyed Richie. "You know perfectly well it's not safe go out wondrously in Iraq!"

"Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?" Audrey blurted out. "Lulu and I need the bathroom!"

"Fine…" Richie gave in, better wishing not to have the girls urinate inside the Chrono Symphony. "But we'll have to find a safe place to stop."

By a stroke of luck, Richie saw an abandoned palace nearby. Driving quietly and carefully inside, he switched off the engine and opened the doors.

"Okay. I think the bathroom's just around that corner." Richie pointed out to them. "You two walk over there and do your business. I'll stick around here and make sure nothing bad happens."

The girls left to take their bathroom break, during which nothing out of the ordinary sprung out to frighten Richie. And in good time, Lulu returned safely and sound.

"Where's Audrey?" Richie asked.

"Playing with her new friend she found."

Richie could have wet his pants when he saw Audrey step out of the bathroom with a giant, fearsome, blood-thirsty bear. "Hey, Richie! Can we bring him along the race?"

Fajer let out a monstrous roar.

"AUDREY!" Richie ran out to grab Audrey's arm before she could be minced by the beast's claws. "GOTTA GET AWAY! GOTTA GET AWAY!"

Fajer chased after the children, who were fleeing inside the Chrono Symphony.

"Come on! Start!" Richie switched on the engines, and Fajer leapt onto the machine, blocking their view. "WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE!"

The Chrono Symphony escaped through the exit, causing Fajer to hit the archway on the way out.

"You girls are in BIG trouble once this race is over!" Richie shouted.

****

XXX

Stephanie couldn't stop loving Israel. Despite all the heated media coverage, it was a country that had been quite overlooked from its holy beauty. This feeling of ecstasy made her think about Jill and Marcie again. She wondered if they ever came to Jerusalem to perform in a race…

"Sportacus, do you think people here know about Jill and Marcie?"

"Not that I know of." he shook his head.

"How sad…"

****

XXX

Trotting across Oman, the alluring United Arab Emirates, Qatar, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, (not to mention an unnecessary turn to Yemen and another one to Kuwait), and Jordan, Team Rocket were laughing away in Lebanon. Nearly at the end of Asia, they could hardly wait for what glamorous places they were to visit in Europe.

"Shopping in France!" thought Musashi.

"Eating in Italy!" thought Kojiro.

"Sleeping in a Four Seasons Hotel!" thought Nyasu. "That is…if I had the money!"


	7. Transylvanian Brawl

****

Chapter Six: Transylvanian Brawl

xxx

"An exhilarating moment for all you fans!" shouted Kasumi. "The Cannonballers are going to Europe as we speak!"

"I'm feeling a little envious already." said Hikari. "This should be a massive cultural experience for the racers, not to mention all our viewers watching!"

"Very true!" said Haruka. "But now let's head over to our correspondents in the UK, who should give us more insight on the current situation!"

****

XXX

"HELLO!!" a group of Gumbies chorused.

"THE CANNONBALL IS COMING TO ENGLAND!" shouted one of them. "VERY MANY FLOATING CARS! BIG PARADES EVERYWHERE!"

"ALL THIS EXCITEMENT IS HURTING MY BRAIN!" shouted another one.

"IT WILL HAVE TO COME OUT THEN!" shouted another, who just so happened to be a brain specialist. "ALL THE BITS OF IT!"

"WE'RE GOING TO OPERATE!"

****

XXX

"Okay…" Haruka rolled her eyes away in embarrassment with the other girls. "…thanks guys, for that very original report."

"Well, don't touch that button on your remote, because the Canonball's just got fueled up! I'm Hikari!"

"I'm Kasumi!"

"And I'm Haruka!"

****

XXX

"What can you make out of this map, Taichi?" Yamato asked, studying the map of Europe on their monitor. "That sure looks like a heck of a lot of countries."

"Well, you and I could play a fun game of battleships with all that land!" said Taichi. "I'll take France, Italy and Germany as my base."

"Fine…then I'll take Russia and the rest of Eastern Europe!"

"Rats!"

****

XXX

"France's greatest detective is on our side, boys!" said General Foyt. "You can thank Inspector Jacques Clouseau later after he arrests all those Cannonballers. There's no stopping him!"

Proctor looked at Clouseau's photo, unsure if he could do the job. "I hear some say he's a complete idiot! He could screw up the whole thing!"

"Shh!" Mauser elbowed him in the stomach again. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Proctor. He could just be our man!"

****

XXX

After Cyprus, Maverick Mitchell was taking it out in Ankara, Turkey. Police had him surrounded with nowhere else to turn. Closing in, Mitchell still had a cunning plan up his sleeve.

"You can do this, Wyvern." he drove into the police cars, making his machine perform a three-hundred-sixty degrees spin, knocking them aside. "Good girl."

****

XXX

"Eat my dust, commies!" Corvax fingered at the Russian police in Moscow. "May the goats be the mothers of your children! HA! HA! HAA!!"

Enraged, more police cars joined the hot pursuit, which would eventually bring them all the way down to Belarus.

****

XXX

In Bulgaria, Dick Dastardly and Muttley were having a meeting with another old friend…

"Indeed, Child Catcher!" Dastardly let out a ghastly laugh. "There'll be lots of children to find in this race! Why…right now they're heading across Europe!"

"Wonderful!" the Child Catcher joined in with the laughter. "It's time to take out the old buggy again!"

****

XXX

Something else sinister was lurking…in the heart of Transylvania, Romania. The Super Piranha, the Green Panther and the Silver Thunder had stopped for the night to let the racers rest their weary heads in Count Dracula's haunting castle.

"We have hardly any visitors these past cold nights." said Dracula, serving a hearty dinner to all his hungry guests. "You will, I trust, excuse me if I…do not join you…but I have already dined, and I never drink…wine."

"(That's okay!)" said Yukari Tanizaki. "(Thank you very much for this delicious meal!)"

"(No wine for the children please, Mr. Dracula.)" insisted Naru, snatching away Kaolla's glass before she could swallow it. "(It can give them bad headaches.)"

"(I agree.)" Chiyo politely rejected her glass. "(I cannot drink at a young age.)"

"Understood." Dracula collected the unwanted glasses and poured them back into the jug. "Though perhaps someone else would care to indulge for some more…wine?"

"(Some more wine, please!)" Mihoshi was wasted after her first drink, and Kiyone did her best to restrain her.

Washu was busy looking at a painting on the wall. "(I'd say that person looks very much like you!)"

"Yes. The order of the Dracul, the Dragon." Dracula profoundly replied. "An ancient society, pledging my forefathers to defend the church against all enemies of Christ. Their relationship was not entirely…successful."

"(That is quite obvious!)" Keitaro giggled, tipsy from his drinking.

"How dare you!" Dracula hissed, drawing a sword between Keitaro's legs. "This is no laughing matter! We Draculs have a right to be proud! What devil or witch was ever so great as Atilla, whose blood flows in these veins? Blood…is too precious a thing in these times."

His frozen guests dropped their food in horror when he ran the blade across his hand with pleasure.

"The war-like days are over. The victories of my great race are but a tale to be told. I am the last of my kind."

"(That is most interesting, Mr. Dracula.)" said Washu, shifting her plate away. "(But I think this conversation has already filled my stomach! I'm finished!)"

"(I'm finished!)" the other guests followed.

"Departing so soon…?" said Dracula, raising a brow. "You hardly stayed long so we could know each other better." he transformed into his hideous true form, knocking over the dinner table and scaring the living sushi out of the Cannonballers as they were swept by his gargantuan shadow. "I hunger…for your blood!"

"(Quick!)" Ryo-Ohki shouted at Sasami. "(Now is the time to morph into Pretty Sammy!)"

"(Come on, Misao!)" shouted Rumiya. "(It's time to call on Pixy Misa!)"

Both girls magically transformed into their super forms, ready to tackle the monstrosity that threatened them.

"What mindless trick is this?" Dracula scowled at the girls. "You are pure infidels to challenge your weak powers against Dracula!"

"(Time to put you down, bat boy!)" said Pixy Misa.

"(Let's do this, Pixy Misa!)" said Pretty Sammy.

The girls collided into battle with Dracula…

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

"(That was far too bloody!)" Pixy Misa wiped the bloodstains off her dress as she ran out of the castle. "(I bet we cut the movie's budget from that one gritty sequence!)"

"(Let's get back to the race)!" Pretty Sammy pulled her arm back into the Silver Thunder.

The Cannonballers switched on their machines and drove off into the night…

****

XXX

The Powerpuff Girls were having trouble with the police in Athens, Greece. They were quickly outnumbered once they had made it to the center of the city.

"This is not good." said Bubbles. "Only a miracle can save us now!"

A line of police cars had blocked every escapable route. That was until Hercules stepped in, smashing them away with his bare fists. At the same time, Xena jumped in, taking out most of the policemen.

"All right! Go Xena and Herc!" said Buttercup.

"Thanks, you two!" Blossom waved.

"You girls hit the road!" Hercules shouted. "Xena and I will take care of business here!"

"GO WIN THAT CUP, GIRLS!" Xena screamed, while charging at the police with her war cry: "AYEEEEEE YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!"

****

XXX

Elsewhere…

"And that's how you make my Salisbury steak!" Chef was offering a free demonstration to Sophitia and Cassandra in the kitchen on how to cook one of his famous recipes. "Just as tender as your white skin…"

"Um, Chef." said Kyle. "We've finished with our lunch. We should really get back to the race and off to Malta."

"Just five more minutes, Kyle." Chef slithered his hands round the girls' butt cheeks, fondling with them. "What say you two girls join us on the Cannonball? I can give you all the thrills and excitement you'll need on the way!"

Much to his disappointment, the girls unsheathed their swords and pointed them at Chef's throat.

"Girls…surely we can talk this out."

"I'm sorry." said Sophitia, showing off her ring. "But as you can see, I'm a married woman."

"No offense." said Cassandra. "But…let's just say that you're not quite my type. I go for lighter men who have a more muscular shape." she stared at her poster of a famous Chinese star on the wall, falling into a fit of sweet admiration. "I love you, Jet Li!"

****

XXX

"Hello? Anybody in there?" Jack Sparrow called out to Villa Villekulla. Much to his delight, out stepped Pippi Longstocking. "Pippi, old chum! How's life after sailing the seven seas been treating ya?"

"Jack, you're back!" Pippi ran to give him a friendly hug. "I haven't seen you for years! What brings you here to Sweden?"

"Well, as you can see…" he stared at the Wonder Wasp, covered in filthy mud. "…my little ship got into a bit of nasty mud trackin' in Finland. And since I was passing, I wondered if you'd spare your lovely time to give us a hand in cleaning this beauty up. Savvy?"

"Anything for a best friend like you, Jack!" Pippi ran into the closet to get her cleaning accessories. "I'll have it shiny cleaned before you could say Black Pearl!"

"There's a good girl."

"Jack?" asked Guybrush. "Are you sure that little girl can wash all by herself? Don't you think she needs a little help?"

"You don't know Pippi back to front, mate."

Pippi rushed to the Wonder Wasp, making it sparkling clean in less than a minute. She lifted the heavy machine with one hand, and carried it over to Sparrow and the shocked couple

"There you go, good as new! Good luck on the Cannonball!"

****

XXX

"Faster!" Jack Twist shouted at Ennis. "Thos dang cops are gaining on us fast! Take that next left!"

The Luna Bomber had been pursued by police from Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania and Poland. But the ones they ran into in Berlin, Germany, proved to be the least friendliest…and very aggressive.

"Hang on, Jack." said Ennis. "Just stay calm."

A bump on the road, and the hood of their machine flipped open, blocking their view.

"I can't see shit, can you?"

"No problem, Jack. No problem!"

No problem…except that they were driving on the wrong lane.

****

XXX

After leaving the Republic of Macedonia, the Simpsons were driving through Serbia, so far undetected by police. Lisa was far wide awake, enjoying each minute of their time in Europe.

"Serbia." she sighed, taking in the soft breeze from outside. "Just one of the many wonders the Simpsons have hardly yet explored."

Her dream was cut off, however, when a disheartening stranger in black appeared riding on a caged buggy. The Child Catcher laughed nefariously at his new catch.

"Come along, kiddie-winkies!"

"AAAA!!" Lisa screamed.

"Don't be afraid, little girl! I won't hurt you! I've got ice creams and candies and lollipops and all the yummy things you…"

A massive tanker truck rammed into the Child Catcher…

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

In Budapest, Hungary, Calvin was starving for some good food…

"I'm hungry." said Calvin quite ironically. "Wouldn't mind going for some traditional Hungarian pizza and lasagna, ol' buddy!"

"You're thinking Italian." said Hobbes.

"Oh, right…"

****

XXX

From Albania to Montenegro, the Delightful Children were strolling along the highways without any trouble from the Xiaolin brutes they took care of…though…

"Come here, my little children!" the Child Catcher sniffed them out with his elongated nose. "I can smell you!"

"OH NO!" the Delightful Children shouted in fear. "NOT HIM!"

They increased power on the Jet Vermillion, but the Child Catcher was impossible to outrun…and hard to believe considering he had only horses to pull his buggy.

"Don't run!" he said in a calm voice. "I can give you all the sweets you…"

The Child Catcher failed to see where he was going, and consequently smashed his face into a lamp post, which dislocated his nose.

****

XXX

"Ravioli! Fettuccine! Tortellini!" Roger Rabbit couldn't stop stuffing his face with the wondrous Italian food they had bought in Venice, Italy. "Eddie, you gotta try some of this! It's great!"

"Try the panna cotta, Eddie!" said Dolores.

"Every Cannonballer needs his source of energy, Valiant." said Baby Herman. "You must have at least something'!"

Eddie remained stubborn and focused more on the road. "Really, I'm fine. You guys go ahead. Teddy and I used to have Italian food all the time!"

****

XXX

In Rome, Italy, Obelix was growing annoyed that he hadn't had the opportunity to smash up any police cars since the start of the race. He was more bugged by the fact that Asterix wouldn't let him drive.

"(Asterix. Let me take the wheel just for a while!)" he asked. "(I promise I'll be gentle with it!)"

"(Oh, fine.)" said Asterix, shifting aside. "(But only for a short time. I wouldn't want you breaking any of the controls.)"

"(Nonsense! Why would I…)"

But Obelix yanked the driving wheel out of its place. The Mighty Typhoon crashed through the gates leading into the Vatican, causing angry guards to chase after them.

"(Sorry, Asterix. Guess I don't know my own strength.)"

"(Well, you're certainly not taking the wheel when we reach San Marino!)"

****

XXX

"That was Bosnia and Croatia…so that means we must now be in…"

"Slovenia, Brian." said Stewie Griffin. "I must say, Europe isn't actually such a bad place. Though I'm still unsure about the people, especially that peculiar man that's been following us."

"The Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak?"

"I don't think so." Stewie looked closer into his mirror. The Child Catcher had disguised his buggy as an ice cream wagon, in attempts to lure the driving baby. "But that hook and hwip he's holding can only spell trouble."

"Wait, did you just said hwip?" Brian frowned. "It's whip."

"Yes, that's what I said: hwip."

"No, no…it's whip!"

"Hwip!"

"Look, don't start that argument again! That man's trying to stop us from winning the race, and we have to do something about it!"

"Little boy!" the Child Catcher waved a handful of lollipops at Stewie. "I have treacle tarts, cherry pies, cream puffs and chocolate all free today!"

"Well, tough titty, Michael Jackson!" Stewie remarked. "You're not fooling me after that trial! This is for all those lousy songs you performed!"

The Deep Claw nudged the Child Catcher's buggy off the road and down a steep slope. The Child Catcher held on for dear life during the bumpy ride downhill…until he reached the bottom, just inches away from crashing into a giant tree.

"Well, that was sure close!"

But after those words slipped right out his mouth, his buggy inexplicably exploded.

****

XXX

Relax-O-Vision

XXX

Just on the coast of Norway, Erik, Baleog and Olaf were fishing on their Viking ship…

"Caught anything, Olaf?" asked Erik. "We've been out here for hours, and still, we've had no fish. You wouldn't know anything more about this, would you?"

"Duh…why you looking at me like that for?" Olaf belched, his breath smelt of fish.

"I knew it!" Baleog pointed his sword at Olaf's bulging belly. "Mr. Greedy's been taking it all for himself!"

****

XXX

"It's a dead end, Skipper!" shouted Ryan. "The Hyper Speeder will be flooded if we don't turn around now!"

The Skipper wasn't going to give up the police chase so quickly. "No, Private! I'd rather die as proud Cannonballers than turn myself into those slimy road tyrants! Rico, more boost power!

"BOOST POWER!"

The Hyper Speeder was nearing the edge of the cliff.

"It's been a great pleasure working with you, boys!" said the Skipper.

Their machine drove off the cliff, sky flying into the air for a few precious moments and then dropping down onto a Viking ship.

"OLAF!" shouted Erik. "Just what in Odin's name did you catch this time?"

Olaf shrugged. "I dunno…looks like some crazy bird."

The Madagascar Penguins popped their heads out the machine, scanning their whereabouts.

"Kowalski, report!" the Skipper asked. "Where have we landed?"

"According to my knowledge, sir, it appears we've come across…a Viking ship."

"Incoming, twelve o'clock!" the Skipper noticed the Vikings approaching. "YOU! Chubby one! What country is this?"

"Um…" Olaf scratched his brain. "Norway?"

"Hoover dam! We're still in Europe!" the Skipper panicked, forcing his squad back into the Hyper Speeder. "Abort! Dive! Dive! Dive!"

"Can someone tell me what is going on here?" asked Baleog, all too confused. "I think I'm hearing penguins talk!"

The Skipper looked suspiciously at the Vikings, dropping back into his machine and waving his wings hypnotically. "You didn't see anything!"

"That's it." Erik walked away in disbelief. "I'm off to take my afternoon nap! I expect all this nonsense to blow off when I return!"

****

XXX

At the Copenhagen harbor in Churchill Park in Denmark, Dora and Boots were passing by the Little Mermaid statue…

"Dora, did the Little Mermaid really exist?"

"Yes, Boots, but that was a long time ago."

"Are you sure you're not just saying that to keep little kids' imaginations alive?" Boots had to awkwardly ask.

"Um…well…" Dora hesitated. "…oh, look! The police are after us! Better switch on that boost power!"

****

XXX

"I have a confession to make."

"What is it, Babs? You feeling carsick again? You threw up in Moldova, Ukraine, Slovakia, the Czech Republic, Austria and Liechtenstein because of your weak stomach. Are you saying you want to stop again here in Switzerland?"

"No, I'm fine!" Babs strongly objected. "It's just that…I've been thinking a lot during these past months. And Buster…don't take this too personally when I say this, but I think you and I should break up."

"WHAT?" exclaimed Buster. "You're joking!"

"I'm not."

"You've gotta be!"

"Buster, if I was joking I would say: a horse walks into a bar. The Bartender says: why the long face?"

Babs Bunny wasn't joking to him. Buster Bunny was nothing was but devastated by her sudden decision to break off their long term relationship. "But Babs…we've been through so many adventures together. Remember that 'special' summer vacation we spent down the river?"

"I know…but we've hardly been able to push our friendship anywhere further after all those Tiny Toons seasons. Face it…it's never going to work between us. I don't think Warner Bros. meant for us to become a hand-to-hand couple."

"Never say never, Babs!" Buster disagreed sternly. "Whatever more dangers we have to face in this Cannonball, I'll always be there to protect you! Even if we're separated apart…why…I'd climb to the top of Mount Everest just to get you back!"

"Wow." thought Babs. "How utterly cliché…but, Buster is such a cutie!"

Buster failed to sense Brain behind him, lifting up his giant mallet to knock him clean on the head.

"Buster! Look out!"

****

XXX

Ernie avoided the Fat Shark, which went spinning out of control.

"Boy, that was a close call, Bert!" he said, wiping his forehead. "How'd that Swiss cheese we bought back in the market taste?"

"Ernie, stop the car!" Bert blurted, holding back his breath. "I think I'm going to hurl!"

****

XXX

Over at the Netherlands in Amsterdam, Henry Sugar was competing against Sydney Bristow despite the police cars after them…

"You are a feisty one." said Henry.

"You'll have to try harder than that." answered Sydney.

****

XXX

Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids were busy in Brussels, Belgium, nourishing themselves in every chocolate factory they drove by.

"Mmm!" Fat Albert licked the chocolaty goodness off from his stained lips. "That's some FINE chocolate! Did you now that dark chocolate is actually better for your health than milk?"

"And did you know chocolate milkshakes in Belgium are far more tastier than those at Denny's?" added Dumb Donald, who wasn't even sure himself if that was in fact true.

****

XXX

In Luxembourg, Mulder was using his alien scanner again, detecting any alien life forms along the way…

"I'm getting something!" he said. "It's drawing closer, I can hear it now! I think we've got one, Scully! You better check these readings!"

"Mulder, that's the police car's siren!"

****

XXX

In the bustling roads of Monaco, Aya Brea was taking the wheel on behalf of the girls, to race against the unstoppable Go Mifune.

"He's a tough one, girls." she said, trying unsuccessfully to overtake him. "Quite possibly our biggest challenge yet!"

"Keep your eyes on that road, Aya." suggested Ada Wong.

"Don't fall back!" said Joanna Dark.

Go Mifune had little problem keeping the girls from outsmarting him.

"(This has proved easier than I initially thought.)"

But just then, a third party member barged in between them, honking its loud horn. It was Herbie the Volkswagen Beetle, just having a little fun with the Cannonballers along their journey.

"Oh, Herbie." Lara Croft shook her head, chuckling at the playful car. "You just never stop!"

****

XXX

"Liver Paté ! Confit de canard! Cheese fondue!" Roger Rabbit was stuffing himself (again) with delights from the French cuisine. "Hoo! Hoo! You're missing out on a lot, Eddie!"

"Can't take another bite!" Baby Herman couldn't take any more caviar on a toast, and he collapsed. "Can't get up!"

"You silly toons!" Dolores laughed.

"No French grub for me, Dolores." said Eddie, keeping his eye peeled on the roads. "That lady in red sure knows her way round driving!"

Carmen Sandiego was far in front of them, leaping under the Arc de Triomphe and back onto the main road.

"I love Paris." she said.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau held up his badge in the middle of the road, shouting out: "I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau! And in the name of the lieu, I command you to stop your vehicles at once and surrender yourself to police immediately!"

The Red Bull trampled over Clouseau, making him flat as a pancake.

"Well, that wasn't so bad…" he got up, wiping the dirt off his coat. "…oh, no!"

The Blue Falcon flattened him again.

****

XXX

Out in the countryside, Monica knocked a second time on the door…

"Hello? Is anyone home?" she called out.

"Hello?" a Frenchman appeared from atop the castle. "Who is it?"

"Hi, we're Cannonballers!" said Chandler. "Didn't mean to bother you or anything, but we're kinda lost, and we're wondering if you could give us a few directions!"

"I don't talk to you American Yankee types!" the Frenchman shouted. "Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I unclog my nose at you and wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second-handed electric donkey bottom biters!"

"Look, we just want to ask if…" a huge sack of cow dung was dropped onto Chandler's face by one of the mischievous Frenchmen. "…never mind. Let's leave, Monica. They're not going to help us."

"Yes, depart a lot at this time, as we fire arrows on the tops of your heads and burst our pimples at you, you tiny brained wipers of other people's bottoms!"

****

XXX

Somewhere far away, Team Rocket was lost…again…

"Where in blazes are we, Kojiro?" Nyasu hissed at him venomously. "If I find out you've taken us the wrong direction again…why, I'll…!"

"Doesn't this place look a lot like…"

"…Iceland, Musashi?" Kojiro finished her sentence.

"We're in the middle of nowhere!" Nyasu sharpened his claws. "That's it! It's face scratching time for you!"

****

XXX

Meredith's team were passing by Loch Ness in Scotland, and Dr. Van Helsing had a fascinating story to tell…

"I saw the Loch Ness Monster right here!" he said sticking his smelly finger into Alex's nostrils. "Whoops…sorry, son! Anyway, I was swimming alone that night, and that's when it came lurking up to me! It bobbed its ugly long head and threatened my life unless I gave him twenty bucks. So I said to it: you're not getting a single dime outta me without a fight!"

Cristina was shaking her head. "How does he keep doing this?"

****

XXX

In London, England, Mr. Bean was driving casually across the River Thams past the police cars, having familiarized himself with them for so many years. When one police car crashed with another, Mr. Bean slipped out his police ticket and tossed it over to them.

"HA! HA! HAAAA!!" he extended his middle finger with a nasty grin.

****

XXX

"Rained all day when I came into Wales. The police have been after me nonstop, and I can't get that image of the Cannonball Cup out of my head! I'm nearly halfway through this excruciating race. I only pray I'll have enough strength to make it through the heat in Africa next." (-Adrian Mole)

****

XXX

"Confound this damn weather." said Artemis Fowl. "I hoped Ireland would have been much nicer upon our arrival. Do you get the same type of welcoming feeling back home, Iorek?"

"In Svaldbard, it never stops snowing…"

****

XXX

"We've covered all of the Channel Islands, the Faroe Islands and gotten absolutely nowhere!" Musashi yelled. "Kojiro, if you mess this one up, I'll be getting my razor and cutting off your whole face! Nyasu's tired of scratching you with his nails already!"

"Have mercy!" Kojiro pleaded with his plastered face. "I'm sure we're making progress somehow!"

"It appears we're on the…Isle of Man?" said Nyasu in distress. "Don't tell me we're stuck on another small island!"

Musashi took out her razor.

****

XXX

The Fruittis had just entered Gibraltar at the tip of Spain. It wasn't long now until they reached Africa.

"(I think we're in the lead!)" Gazpacho cheered. "(This calls for a small celebration! Three cheers for Gazpacho, everybody!)"

"(I'm tired.)" Kumba yawned.

"(Me too.)" said Mochilo, lying back on his seat. "(That police chase we had from Andorra to Madrid has worn us all out!)"

"(I'm beat!)" Pincho pulled out his blanket. "(Good night, Gazpacho!)"

Gazpacho was left to grumble to himself.

****

XXX

"Enough with the spit works, Milou" Captain Haddock tried to stop Tintin's dog from licking his face. "We've got a race to catch and cops to avoid…those bald-headed budgerigars!"

The Space Angler left the city of Lisbon, Portugal, heading down to the continent of Africa.

****

XXX

Somewhere below in an underground realm, Lady Sylvanas Windrunner was interrogating some uninvited guests. "What were you five doing in the Undercity? Our forces caught you racing past here with our consent."

"Lady, for the last time. We're Cannonballers, and we were just taking a shortcut through…" Sora was slapped in the face by Varimathras. "OW! That hurt!"

"You address her as Lady Sylvanas Windrunner!" Varimathras growled.

"Lady Sylvanas Windrunner," said Naminé . "we didn't mean to cause you any disturbance. I admit that we had no business being here in the first place, but we've had to search high and low for the quickest route to Africa. And it was only through the Undercity would we have been able to accomplish that feat. We didn't mean any trouble to you at all. If you could just let us go so we could continue on with our journey, we'd be more than thankful for your support."

"What say, Lady Sylvanas?" asked Sharlindra. "Perhaps she speaks the truth."

Sylvanas rubbed her chin, trying to make up her decision. She was suddenly disrupted, however, when a mysterious portal opened up. Two curious children stepped into the Undercity, all but amazed…

"I think we overdid it with our imaginations." said Josh Aarons. "I don't think we're in Terabithia anymore!"

"Perhaps we've gone a bit too far?" thought Leslie Burke.

Sora saw their gleaming opportunity for escape. "Quick! Let's hit the road!" the gang hopped into the Dragon Bird and dashed through the portal before it sealed up.

"So…" Sylvanas crossed her arms at the terrified Josh and Leslie, who were embracing each other, swallowing fat lumps down their throats. "…what brings you two here to the Undercity? Might you be seeking post cards…souvenirs…a map of the stars' homes? Or did you come to visit my pet Glaurung?"

Glaurung crawled out from his cave, hissing at the children venomously.


	8. The Whip Is Man’s Best Buddy

****

Intermission

xxx

"What's this?" asked Kasumi, looking at the sign. "How did this happen all of a sudden?"

"Chill out, girls." said Yamato. "We're in the middle of the film!"

"Sure, but that doesn't really mean we can sit back and relax." said Hikari. "We've got a story to report to our viewers! The Cannonballers are heading to Africa!"

"Give it a break!" said Taichi. "No one hardly cares about Africa, anyway! All those countries look the same to me! Shabby…poor…skinny dark people, right?"

"I ought to slap you silly in the face, Taichi." said Haruka.

xxx

****

Chapter Seven: The Whip Is Man's Best Buddy

xxx

"J.J.!" Victor burst frantically into his office, scaring him off his chair. "We just got word that Hymie's dispatched the Machinegall Dolls to sabotage the race!"

"What in God's name is that slimy bastard up to?" said J.J.. "Victor…we have to contact the President immediately and tell him what's going on! We'll need all his best forces to track down his cronies!"

"He's unavailable." Victor regrettably replied.

"Then get the Vice President!"

****

XXX

"Vice President Benson." J.J. shook hands with Thomas 'Tug' Benson.

"No, you're not!" Benson argued. "I've seen him on TV. An older man, about my height."

"Mr. Vice President, this is J.J. McClure." Mr. X corrected him.

"J.J. McClure, of course!" Benson chuckled. "The son I never had! No wonder I didn't recognize you then! Well, don't you fret! We'll crack down on Starbucks Coffee and wipe them clean off the face of the Earth! That'll teach those money eating tycoons not to gobble up other people's businesses!"

J.J. and Victor wondered if Benson was in any way blood related to President Harris, judging from his very limited level of common sense.

****

XXX

"Hey, Timon, are we supposed to be reporting on the Cannonball…or something?" asked Pumbaa, bored stiff as a tree branch. "We've been standing here for two hours, and we haven't heard anything from those girls!"

"Ah, forget it!" Timon tossed his microphone away, walking with his buddy. "Come on! You want to get some bugs later?"

"I'm with you, Timon!"

****

XXX

"Africa's a jungle, sir." said Mauser, looking at the continent on Foyt's globe. "Well, most of it. But we might have a hard time catching those rascals."

"He's right, sir." said Proctor.

"This obviously calls for more strategic measures, doesn't it?" Foyt twiddled his fingers together. "I have just the man to take care of these kind of problems."

****

XXX

"Hello!"

In the Canary Islands, a proud Mr. Bean was greeting the locals, waving them with his exaggerated smile. It was a shame he didn't look when Go Mifune crossed his path. The machines collided, and Mr. Bean was trapped in the Fire Scorpion with his air bag.

"(I'm sorry!)" Go Mifune ran to help him out of the mess.

****

XXX

In the Madeira Islands, Mulder was fixing his alien scanner, which wasn't operating quite correctly.

"Hmm…this is interesting, Scully." Mulder analyzed it carefully. "According to these readings, my scanner detects that you are in fact an alien."

Scully snatched the gadget out of his hands and threw it out of the window. "Take my advice, Mulder. Buy a new one!"

****

XXX

Kim Possible was sweating hot in the Golden Fox when they had reached Mauritania from the Western Sahara. James Bond, on the other hand, was far better adapted to handle such harsh conditions.

"Great! The fan's broke!" Kim moaned. "You amaze me, James, how do live your life like this? M tells me you enjoy killing people sometimes. Doesn't that ever bother you?"

"Well, I wouldn't be very good at my job if it did."

Kim saw Carmen Sandiego tilting her hat, blowing a kiss at James as the Red Bull casually overtook them. "Come and catch me, James." she whispered.

"Looks like we have a femme fatale in this race, James." said Kim.

"You noticed?" James activated his booth power.

****

XXX

The CSI team weren't feeling so well under the strong weather either. After traveling from Cape Verde, across to Senegal, the Gambia, Guinea Bissau, Guinea, Sierra Leone and now in Liberia, they didn't know how much more heat they could take.

Dr. Grissom, however, was still the only well man. "We're barely a quarter way through this! Expect more sun at where we're heading!"

****

XXX

"Here we are in Morocco, Hobbes! That shortcut through Ceuta really paid off!" said Calvin, driving through the crowded streets. "Let me know if you spot Morocco Mole! I'd love to have his autograph."

"You've been watching too much 'Secret Squirrel', haven't you?" said Hobbes.

"It's a good show!"

****

XXX

Through Mali and Algeria, the Delightful Children had had an easy road through Africa so far. Yet they got their hopes a little too high when Omi's group came creeping up behind them.

"You again?" the Delightful Children didn't expect to find them in Algiers. "You guys are really getting on our nerve!"

"How appropriate!" shouted Raimundo. "That's all the reason we need to kick your sorry delightful butts right down the lane!

Their machines fought constantly within the market streets, wreaking every stand that they passed.

****

XXX

Winding across Cô te d'Ivoire, Burkina Faso, Ghana, and Togo would be tough. But not for Mario and Sonic. Having done all that, their chase dragged them all the way to Nigeria, still grid locked in battle.

"YOSHI! YOSHI! YOSHI!" Yoshi grew panicked by how fast the King Meteor was moving.

"Hey, Mario! Slow down!" Luigi shouted. "You're-a driving too fast! Me and-a Yoshi are getting car-a sick over here!"

"Not now, Luigi!" Mario exclaimed, refusing to stop. "We've hardly got to the best-a part of the race! Sonic and I are willing to go out all like-a this for the Cannonball!"

Tails was getting a large heap of dirt in his eyes. "Sonic! I can't see a thing! Please stop driving so fast!"

"Forget it, Tails." said Knuckles. "He can't hear you."

The Queen Meteor screeched beside the King Meteor. Sonic was off his seat, more determined to beat Mario at all costs. "I won't let you win, Mario! Heed my words! I'm never gonna let you cross that line before me!"

Not far away, inside a hidden underground bunker, a destructive missile was about to be fired. Kane, leader and founder of the Brotherhood of Nod, cracked his knuckles and set his targets locked for Sonic and Mario.

"Farewell, Cannonballers." he pushed the red button, and the missile blasted away…upwards. And without very much fuel, it stopped shortly after launch. "Oh, not again."

The missile dropped back into the bunker, blowing it up.

****

XXX

"Now it's my turn!"

The Mask was going to play with Mr. Mistoffelees at his own game after chasing him from Melilla to Tunisia. Driving up swiftly behind the Origammy, he activated a springing coil and leapt right over him. The Mask then sprung far ahead in the lead.

"Good show." said an impressed Mr. Mistoffelees. "But not good enough, I'm afraid."

****

XXX

Ernie was telling Bert some more unfunny jokes in Tripoli, Libya.

"Hey, Bert! Why did the duck go to the psychiatrist?"

"I don't know, Ernie. Why did the duck go to the psychiatrist?"

"Because he quacked out!" Ernie giggled, taking out his rubber ducky and squeezing it. "Isn't that funny, Bert?"

"Ernie, did you have that rubber ducky with you this whole time?" said a surprised Bert. "I thought you only played with it in the bathtub."

"It's also my lucky charm!"

****

XXX

"Wonderful…after Niger I had driven straight into Chad today out of my own dumb luck. To my surprise though, I came across no bandits (or terrorists) and had quite a splendid ride. I suppose with all the low security and political fuss going about, nobody cared about Cannonballers. Let's hope the Central African Republic will be the same." (-Adrian Mole)

****

XXX

After a rush through Cairo, Roger Rabbit was taking endless pictures of the Sphinx and pyramids in the Egyptian desert.

"This is fun! I love taking pictures!" he laughed with joy. "Maybe someday, I'll work as a photographer!"

"Don't eat all that film, Roger." said Dolores. "There's still Antarctica and South America to come!"

"AH!" Baby Herman got caught in one of Roger's pictures by accident, making him temporarily blind. "Roger, watch where you're pointing that damn thing!"

"Keep it down, you guys." said Eddie. "Looks like a sandstorm up ahead!"

A sandstorm was building up on the road. Eddie drove the Blue Falcon straight into it, although he didn't expect to meet the threatening face of Imhotep on the window. He braked instantly, spinning the machine out of control and off the road.

"Eddie, what happened? Are you all right?" asked Dolores. "My God…you look as if you just saw a ghost back there."

"What a spin that was, Eddie!" said Roger Rabbit. "For a moment, I thought I saw my life flashing before my eyes! Let's do it again!"

"No, Roger." said Eddie, catching his breath. "That's the last time I ever drive into a freak sandstorm!"

****

XXX

"You must have been thinking suicide when we took that route into Sudan, Jack!" said Ennis, taking off his hat. "At least Eritrea and Djibouti weren't too bad…except for those dang children beggin' at us all the time."

"This ain't a good time to chat!" Jack said, avoiding all the police cars. "These goddamn Ethiopians don't know shit about how to catch a Cannonballer!"

"LOOK OUT!

Ennis pointed as the Luna Bomber drove right into a grand palace…and out through the exit. Neither of them could believe at first that they were still alive, but they also couldn't believe that Aida was sitting right between them.

"Hello, boys." she offered a friendly smile. "Would you care to join me for dinner? We're having roast chicken tonight!"

****

XXX

Back in Egypt…

"Gasp!" Corvax stopped when he saw someone familiar on the road. "By Allah, the demon has returned! I must vanquish him once and for all!"

Snapping his fingers, the Blues Brothers handed Corvax his scimitar and stepped outside with him.

"You need any help, sir?" asked Elwood.

"No!" said Corvax. "I must do this alone!" he marched proudly up towards Imhotep, ready to do combat with his long adversary. "So…we meet again, Imhotep….if that really is your name."

"(Of course it is! My name was right there on the cast list!)" scowled the high priest. "(And look, the script clearly addresses it in this chapter!)" he pointed his finger at the copy of the script. "(Let's finish this battle between us once and for all!)"

Corvax opened up his chessboard and slammed it to the ground. "Would you care to play black or white?"

****

XXX

"Where are we?" Fat Albert wasn't sure where in Africa they were. They had already made one mistake by traveling to Sao Tome and Principe. "Either I've been gaining too much weight, or Africa's radically shrunk!"

Rudy looked at the map. "It says we're on an island called Saint Helena."

****

XXX

The Simpsons had spent time in Cameroon, Equatorial Guinea, Gabon, and were meeting some of the native people in the Republic of the Congo…two of them at least.

"Hey Lis, check this out!" Bart pointed at Joe and Mac, who were scratching Homer's brain curiously. "Do you see any striking resemblance here?"

Lisa giggled. "No wonder they love dad so much!"

"This is so cute!" Marge took out her camera. "Say cheese, Homer!"

The flash frightened Joe and Mac away, and they fled deep into the jungle.

"Nice going, Marge." said Homer. "They were just about to club me on the head and teach me how they beat other Neanderthals stealing their wives!" he stretched his arms and headed back into the Blood Hawk to inspect the map. "Well, show's over! Let's head off to the Demo…demo…what?"

"The Democratic Republic of the Congo." said Lisa. "Dad, we can't go there! It's dangerous!"

"The Simpsons live on danger…why, we may very well end up dead tomorrow!"

Lisa's face turned pale.

****

XXX

In the lawless, war trodden city of Mogadishu, Somalia, Sasami and Misao were feeling concerned about the group's personal safety.

"(I'm scared.)" said Sasami.

"(Washu…are you sure it's a good idea to be here?)" Misao asked timidly. "(People have been known to get kidnapped, or even killed in these parts.)"

"(Don't worry!)" Washu laughed it off. "(No one even knows we're here! They can't see us! I've activated a special cloaking device…an invisible shield for the Silver Thunder! So we can stroll through this war zone just like a swan on a lake!)"

An unseen error occurred within the Silver Thunder's system. And the cloaking device was automatically deactivated.

"(But of course, I could be wrong.)" Washu grinned.

****

XXX

In Nairobi, Kenya, the White Cat and Super Cat were at it again.

"Haruka may have outwitted you girls. But trust me, she won't do the same to me." Lara Croft switched on boost power, gaining ahead of the Outer Senshi.

"(They just don't learn.)" Haruka did the same, catching up.

****

XXX

While Meadow and Anthony were napping in the Big Fang, Chrissy checked the map to discover they were in Kampala, Uganda. Proud to have hired Tommy Vercetti, there was a very big chance that they could win this race.

"Doin' good, Tommy. Keep it up."

****

XXX

In Kigali, Rwanda…

"Aw…shit! Freddy Krueger had partially shredded the map with his own glove. "I hate these claws! Jason…hold onto this map while I remove my glove!"

But to his deep horror, Jason Voorhees accidentally ripped the map into two with his long machete.

"Now that's just perfect!"

****

XXX

Chef couldn't keep his eyes off the women in Burundi. They smiled to welcome him, and this had already tempted him too much with spend some time with them in bed…

"Um, boys." he said. "I…I have to make a quick stop and go use the bathroom at some stranger's house. Why don't you boys just wait in the Crazy Bear in the meantime?"

Chef stepped out of the machine and ran for the women.

"Weak." said Cartman.

****

XXX

Deep in the jungles of Tanzania, the Powerpuff Girls had finally caught up with Lock, Shock and Barrel. It was time to pay their sweet revenge…

"Okay, girls…NOW!" Blossom yelled.

The Silver Rat knocked the Pink Spider off the road and into a river inhabited by hungry crocodiles.

"I hate crocodiles!" Shock surprisingly screamed, clutching onto Lock.

"Have a taste of your own medicine, losers!" Buttercup taunted.

****

XXX

Ryan wasn't feeling sure about the map. Having passed Malawi and nearing the end of Mozambique, he had to urgently inform the Skipper about a crisis he had picked out.

"Skipper!" he said. "We mustn't cross the border! Otherwise we'll end up in Switzerland!"

The Skipper checked the map carefully, and shook his head in laughs.

"Private…you've got it all wrong!" he gave him a friendly pat in the back, showing him his silly error. "You see, we're not going to end up in Switzerland…but Swaziland!"

"Oh, I see…but what's the difference in that, Skipper?"

****

XXX

"You took us too far!" Nyasu screamed at Kojiro, hitting him with the map. "I'm tired of scratching you with my claws already!"

"I thought you guys would like the Mauritius." said Kojiro. "Don't you want to have some time-off for once? I think you guys were a bit too stressed out in Europe."

"I'm going to take my stress out on you, Kojiro!" shouted Musashi, taking up her razor again.

****

XXX

After passing Angola, Dora and Boots were riding across the open countryside of Namibia.

"That police truck's been after us for an hour!" said Dora. "We'll never lose him at this rate!"

"Wait! I have a plan!" Boots finished his last banana, opening the window and throwing the peel onto the road. "That should do it!"

Hard to believe, but the police truck toppled over as its wheel slipped on the peel.

"Good thinking, Boots!"

****

XXX

The Fruttis were a little lost on the island of Mayotte.

"(How did we get here? First we stopped at the Seychelles, then the Comoros, and now this?)" said Gazpacho, rather annoyed. "(This wasn't supposed to happen. We should be cruising through safaris in Africa, not being stuck on this small island! What idiot brought us here?)"

"(You did, Gazpacho.)" said Mochilo. "(You're the one driving.)"

"(Oh…right.)"

****

XXX

Indiana Jones was teaching Dizzy in Madagascar the significance of using a whip…

"Now you see, the whip is man's best buddy. " he proudly showed his clean 10ft Bullwhip. "No adventurer is adventurous without the use of one of these babies. Just watch me swing at that loose tree branch over there." he aimed for the tree branch across the road. "The most important thing is to remain calm and focused."

Indy let open his whip, which apparently got caught with the Green Panther as it rushed by, and caused him to be dragged along the dirt with it.

"Help! Do something!"

He shouted…but Dizzy had no clue what to do. How could a small anthropomorphic egg help his friend, having been absent from video games for over ten years?

He could do nothing but smile and wave goodbye at Indy.

"(You hear something at the back?)" asked Shinobu.

"(Probably just the wind!)" said Sara, shrugging off the man's cries.

"(More boost power!)" shouted Kaolla.

****

XXX

In Reunion, Jack Sparrow was racing with Henry Sugar, which proved to be a tight knot on both sides. They were too equally matched in the sport of racing…

"This isn't very convenient." said Jack, finding it tough to get rid of the Panzer Emerald. "This Sugar fellow might be a real sugar daddy!"

"That Sparrow is a real nuisance." thought Henry. "No wonder he's a pirate."

****

XXX

"I'm so proud of you, Eddie!" Dolores kissed him on the cheek. "You've made it all the way through Zambia, Zimbabwe, Botswana and now we're in Pretoria, South Africa!"

"Don't mention it, Dolores." Eddie murmured. "The opposite just might happen when you least expect it."

"I'd say!" Roger Rabbit saw a group of police cars behind them. "Step on it, Eddie! The cops are coming up pretty fast!"

"When will this end?" thought Baby Herman.

****

XXX

Team Rocket were having their share of problems with the police in Johannesburg, South Africa. The Fire Stingray was a persistent machine, however, and built more than well enough to counter these problematic encounters.

"Drive in there, Kojiro!" Musashi ordered him. "It's our only getaway!"

"But there's people!" Kojiro said. "What if I run over a pregnant lady…or worse yet, a child? We could be jailed for li-"

"I'm willing to take that chance!" Nyasu took the wheel, driving straight into the Soweto slum. Hundreds of people leapt out of the way. Tsotsi, who so happened to get pulled into this mess, ran like the devil shouting out:

"(This shouldn't happen to a thug like me!)"

"Hey, check it out!" Nyasu said. "He's wearing Nike shoes! I wonder if they wear some of those when we get to Lesotho!"

****

XXX

Detective Hercule Poirot had devised a road block just as Buford T. Justice had done, though twice as bigger in size and far better organized. He was glad to be of service to the police and help them catch the Cannonballers.

"Exactement, that is correct, Mr. Foyt. You needn't panic." he said inside the phone booth. "I am most sure that we will catch those criminals in a short manner of time."

Just then, the Fighting Comet boost powered its way through the massive blockade of police cars. Sydney Bristow winked at Poirot as she passed, wishing he'd planned his strategies harder next time.

"Then again…maybe not." Poirot sighed in grief. "Perhaps I had underestimated these Cannonballers…I should never have taken that afternoon massage. Please do forgive me."


	9. Heart and Soul

****

Chapter Eight: Heart and Soul

xxx

"…and that's how they found out Barney the dinosaur was a registered sex offender!"

"For shame, Hikari." said Kasumi in disgust. "And to think I grew up loving that show."

"Um, girls…" Haruka pointed at the camera. "We're back on."

Quickly straightening themselves up, the embarrassed girls snatched their microphones and greeted their viewers.

"Good morning, fans!" shouted Kasumi. "After beating the heat in the jungles of Africa, our Cannonballers are off to the coldest and driest continent on Earth: Antarctica!"

"Let's hope there'll be no cases of frostbite!" said Haruka.

"Let's head down there right now with our correspondent, and believe it children, he's real…Santa Claus!" said Hikari. "How's the weather down there?"

****

XXX

"Couldn't be better, girls!" Santa replied under a mild snowstorm. "I just flew down here from the North Pole and boy, are my wings tired!" he chuckled to himself. "That joke makes the elves crack up every time! As for the Cannonballers, they shouldn't have to worry too much about police in this huge freezer! It's surely a merry occasion for all us viewers! Back to you, girls!"

****

XXX

"Well, you heard him loud and clear! This could be by far the easiest track for the Cannonballers. Let's see if they can make the bets out of it! I'm Haruka!"

"I'm Kasumi!"

"And I'm Hikari!"

****

XXX

Taichi and Yamato were fast asleep, snoring away at their desks. They were suddenly awoke when an unseen cast member poked them with a long walking stick.

"I'm here to save you, Sora!" a half-asleep Yamato burst out randomly, throwing papers everywhere.

"Don't worry, Sora! I'll rescue you from Yamato!" Taichi did the same. "Damn Toei for making Sorato official!"

****

XXX

"How are we sending our men down to Antarctica, sir?" Proctor was unsure if it was even a great idea. "It's an extremely risky task."

"Stop repeating everything I say!" Mauser scolded him.

"There won't be any need for that." said Foyt, polishing his shiny leather boots. "I've already dispatched something there to handle the situation. ED-209 has been programmed to destroy anything and anyone that runs into its path."

****

XXX

"Sporticus, we have to go faster!" Stephanie cried, pointing at the giant snow boulder rolling behind their machine. "Or else we'll end up like snow cones!"

The Rainbow Phoenix was running at maximum speed. Having used up most of their boost power, it didn't look optimistic for them. The boulder easily caught up, and buried them both under heaps of snow…Smith stepped out of the Super Falcon, removing his sunglasses and smiling with ecstasy.

"You disappoint me." he said. "I predicted you Cannonballers to prove far more of a challenge than I had expected."

****

XXX

"J-j-jeepers!" Roger Rabbit's fur coat didn't help him keep warm. "Turn up the heat, Eddie! I'm getting cold feet over here!"

"I want a bottle!" Baby Herman moaned.

"Behave yourself, Herman." said Dolores. "Eddie's doing the best he can to get us out of this snowstorm."

"It stretches on for miles!" said Eddie. "We could be stuck in here for hours…"

****

XXX

"For once, Kojiro, you've done impressively well." smiled Musashi. "Perhaps you aren't such so lousy with the map than I imagined. Good job."

"We should be first by now!" said Nyasu.

Kojiro couldn't be any more elated from the showering praise from his friends. "Thanks, guys. Team Rocket all the way!"

****

XXX

Dick Dastardly was dialing his telephone to call yet another one of his pals…

"Greetings, Coldheart." he said. "Yes, it's me. You know well enough about the Cannonballers, don't you? Yes…you know exactly what to do!" he laughed in sheer delight. "Magnificent! Be sure to have your freezer gun ready by the moment you catch sight of them!"

Muttley was sniggering excessively, which made Dastardly bonk him on the head.

"Grrr…freshmrashmra…"

****

XXX

The Twin Noritta and the Bunny Flyer made a rip-roaring dash across the snowfields. Having grown to admire each other's charm, the Lee Brothers were enjoying each minute with Hinata and Sakura.

"(They're so cute!)" Sakura's eyes filled with hearts. "(I wish this race doesn't end for even just a second!)"

****

XXX

Just as according to plan, Brain had taken over control of the Fat Shark…

"From here forth, I will be in command and take charge of affairs." he said amongst his tied up crew. "Any objections, and Pinky here will gladly sing excruciating songs from every album by Enya!"

"Buster…" an upset Babs said. "…I take back everything I said before. I want to be with you for every last moment we can share!"

"Don't worry about that." said Buster. "We're tied together!"

****

XXX

"Look, Brian!" Stewie pointed out, bouncing off his seat. "There's a Cold Stone Creamery here in Antarctica! Let's stop in and have some ice cream!"

But as they drew closer, the ice cream parlor slowly began to fade away…

"What do you know?" said Brian. "It was just a mirage. Bad luck, Stewie. Guess we'll have to wait until we get back to the US."

"Damn, Brian. We were so close, I could smell that fine French vanilla already!"

****

XXX

The cast from 'Drawn Together' were taking a long vacation, camping a huge tent out in the middle of Antarctica, well away from civilization. Relaxing cozily by the fire and drinking their hot mugs of cocoa, they couldn't enjoy a better occasion like this…

"Great work, everybody!" said Princess Clara. "We sure deserve this time-out! And thank you, Captain Hero, for helping us find such a desolate place!"

"Don't mention it!" he laughed. "I wouldn't have been able to set this tent up if it weren't for everybody's help!"

"Mmm-mmm!" Foxxy Love sipped her delicious cocoa. "Nothing like a sweet taste of scrumptious hot chocolate!"

"That's for sure!" said Spanky Ham, downloading junky porn on his Mac Powerbook. "Signal's not that great, but I've still got all the afro-whore pleasure I need!"

"(Perverted pig.)" grumbled Ling-Ling.

"I hear the Cannonball's coming round to Antarctica!" said Wooldoor Sockbat. "Maybe we should invite one of them over for the night!"

"In their dreams!" Toot Braunstein was clearly objective to that. "Personally, I don't give a rat's ass about that stupid race!"

"But I do." said Xandir Wifflebottom, holding up a piece of paper. "I bet two million dollars on the Luna Bomber! I sure pray it'll win!"

****

XXX

The contest between Stormy and Electra was growing more electrifying. Neither one was growing ever tired through the blistering weather, but only more intent to claiming the Cannonball Cup.

"An early merry Christmas to you, Electra!" Stormy cast more snowstorms against the Death Anchor. "And a very unhappy New Year!"

"When I get my hands on you…" Electra snarled. "…I'm gonna shock you so bad your hair will be sticking out!"

The Night Thunder and Death Anchor stormed past a huge tent along its path, blowing it far away. The cast of 'Drawn Together' were showered with snow as they chased desperately after it.

"Next time, we're going to the North Pole!" shouted Foxxy.

****

XXX

Maverick Mitchell overtook the Falcon MK-II, much to Asuka's discouragement. Shinji wasn't sure whether she really was the better driver as she so claimed.

"(One word out of you, Shinji, and I will deliberately rip your hair out!)" Asuka warned him not to laugh. "(That G.I. pilot thinks he knows everything about racing, does he? I'll show him!)"

****

XXX

"Don't worry, gang! Dr. Van Helsing will get you clean out of this snow dump!"

Meredith and the interns were stunned to see how professional the crazed doctor actually drove. Perhaps his crossed eyes did serve a benefit to the team after all. Although he may not have been so medically qualified in keeping people in good shape, he could sure be a great help in winning a race.

****

XXX

"(My batteries have died!)" Tomoyo was unable to film much more as she saw her battery level drop. "(This is a great disappointment for us, Sakura-chan! We didn't film very much in this dazzling continent with icy thrills and chills!)"

"(It's okay, Tomoyo.)" said Toya with chattering teeth. "(I'm sure there are better places to film once we reach South America.)"

****

XXX

"Who was your plastic surgeon?" Duke Nukem mocked Lord Voldemort, seeing his hideous facial complexion. "You're one ugly mother-"

"Curse you, womanizing mongrel!" Voldemort cast his wand against the Rolling Turtle…and missed. "What authority do you have to judge my appearances?"

Duke Nukem whipped out his sub-machine guns and fired them at the Black Bull. Voldemort raised his wand again, stopping all the bullets before they could strike his machine.

"He's certainly come well prepared for a battle." said Snape.

****

XXX

"(AIII!! That hurts!)"

"(Easy, Yukari! You'll make it worse for yourself if you don't sit still.)"

Yukari was suffering another cramp on her foot. Minamo tried to help her ease better with her pain, while Tadakichi pointlessly licked her. The Super Piranha was striving well against the harsh and bitter snow. Chiyo knew that her machine was strong enough to take on any sort of environment.

****

XXX

The Moon Shadow wasn't quite built with strong heaters, and Monica could hardly feel her hands on the wheel, even with three layers of gloves on.

"I'm c-c-cold!" Ross complained to her. "At least let me have one of your blankets! My feet are covered in frost and I feel they're about to fall off!"

"Shut up…shut up…" mumbled Monica under her icy breath.

"Let's not start any f-f-fights now." Rachel warned the gang, although freezing stiff herself. "Just remember about that m-m-money."

****

XXX

"Shove off, rich boy!" Devilotte screamed at the Chrono Symphony, forcing more boost power on El Dorado. "Make way for Princess Devilotte de Deathsatan IX! Destined winner of the last Cannonball race!"

"What a pushover!" Audrey growled. "Come on, Richie! Let's show her who's boss! After that machine!"

"Spare the rod, spoil the child, like they say." thought Richie.

****

XXX

Stephanie groaned. Lifting her eyes, she found herself tucked in bed. A woman sat beside her, checking her temperature for any serious illness.

"You okay, kiddo?" she asked. "You took quite a hit in the head back there. Good thing my cabin was nearby…or else you'd be as frozen cold as an ice Popsicle."

"Huh?" Stephanie rose, confused. "Where…where am I?"

"My humble abode, sweetheart." the woman answered. "This is where I live. May get a bit lonesome 'round here, but I'm far used to it these days. That bed too uncomfortable for you?"

"No, not at all."

"Your other buddy's fine. He's in my garage, fixin' up that ol' machine he designed."

"Sportacus?"

"Yeah…that's his name. Charmin' young fella he is!" she smiled, offering Stephanie a bowl of her homemade chicken broth. "Made you somethin'! It's like how my mother used to say when I was growin' up: you gotta get your batteries charged!"

"Thanks for rescuing us." Stephanie smiled back. "You've been a great help to us, Miss…"

"Thatcher…Marcie Thatcher."

Why did that name suddenly ring a bell?

****

XXX

"Uh-huh-huh-huh." Butt-head laughed faintly, his energy being drained from the wretched coldness. "Hey, Beavis. Do you think we like, lost those guys?"

"Heh-heh-heh, let me check." Beavis inspected the mirror, seeing Alex and his droogs still steaming up behind them. He gasped in horror. "Moore boost power, Butt-head! They're still after us!"

"You can't run, boys!" Alex shouted.

****

XXX

Pingu and Robby the seal were playing outside in the snow…like always. Kicking round with a soccer ball, Pingu passed it over to his friend. Robby bounced the ball on his nose and tail, swinging it back. Pingu caught the ball with his flippers, hopping in glee. It was sure a fun activity…although neither of them expected to be swept away by the Dragon Bird and the Dragon Bird EX.

"WHOA!" Sora caught a babbling penguin stuck on their window screen. "Where'd he come from? I thought penguins couldn't fly!"

"Hurry up, Squall! Get that giant slug thing off our machine before we crash!" Yuffie squealed at Robby flat on their window screen. "Who knows if that thing bites!"

Meanwhile, a peculiar periscope bobbed out of the ocean's surface. Isabelle sighted two Cannonballers heading their direction. She ordered the other Machinegal Dolls to take position and keep their submarine silent.

"(This is it, girls!)" she said. "(Prepare those missiles for launch! We'll get those Cannonballers this time!)"

Elizabeth, Brook, Jennifer, Natasha, Vivian and Sayuri readied the missiles and nodded their heads. However, Isabelle failed to catch Pingu and Robby as they were hurled into the ocean after the Cannonballers took a sharp turn…

"(Ready…aim…FIRE!)"

The ignition button was pushed, and an immediate malfunction was alerted. The girls were alarmed when they discovered Pingu and Robby, both stuck inside their submarine, jamming the missiles.

"(Mother.)" Isabelle cried out, before she was caught in the massive explosion…

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

"(We've been halfway through the Cannonball and still I've had no fun, Asterix!)" Obelix grumbled grumpily. "(I've forgotten why I came with you on this race in the first place!)"

"(There, there, Obelix.)" Asterix patted him softly to keep him calm. "(You never know when the biggest danger might spring up from the snow!)"

His words came true, when ED-209 burst out from underneath the snow, locking it's 20mm machine guns and rocket launchers at the Mighty Typhoon.

"Please step out of the vehicle." it spoke with a booming voice. "You have thirty seconds to comply."

"(How sophisticated!)" Asterix laughed. "(What goes around, comes around! I suppose I needn't say more about what needs to be done, Obelix! He's all yours!)"

"(Really, Asterix?)"

"(Really.)" he said agreeably. Even Dogmatix nodded his little head.

Obelix exploded outside to tackle the giant robot, first ripping apart its legs, then tearing away its arms and then finally grabbing its fragile head.

"(Can we keep this as a souvenir, Asterix?)" Obleix asked. "(I think I'll put it on my shelf!)"

****

XXX

"Jellyfish!" cried Captain Haddock, wiping his eyes to be sure he wasn't hallucinating. "I think I'm seeing ghosts in the Antarctic!"

He was disturbed to see the faces of Dream and Death racing beside the Space Angler.

"He's a peculiar oddball." said Death. "I wouldn't wish to see how he's going to die."

"You'll have to." said Dream.

"I know…just a figure of speech."

****

XXX

Sally Brown was growing continually stressed with the Cannonball Run. She wasn't sure how much longer she could take the wait until the finish line. "Come on, Snoopy! Hop to it! We can't let any other Cannonballers make it to the end before us!"

"Sally, you've been acting hysterical lately." said her brother Charlie. "Maybe you need some fresh air."

Snoopy and Woodstock cried out when Charlie pressed on the buttons. His window slid open to allow a snowstorm to pour in. Charlie closed it immediately, leaving the group buried up to their heads.

"Sorry!" he grinned sheepishly.

****

XXX

"Hello, sailor." she winked.

Jeannie was showing off her moves on the Spark Moon, which attracted Popeye's eyes. A little much to Olive's jealousy, she tugged his collar and forced him to concentrate.

"Don't let that witch draw your gaze, Popeye." she said. "She'll cast a horrible spell on you and makes us lose the race!"

****

XXX

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

The laughter never ceased between Bozo and Pee-wee.

****

XXX

"I sure hope Smith hasn't crossed the line to South America yet." thought Baby Herman, lighting his cigar. "That double-crossing son of a jackass don't deserve to win that Cannonball Cup!"

"Neither does Team Rocket!" said Roger Rabbit. "Those three stooges have caused enough trouble for us already!"

"How are we doing with progress, Eddie?" asked Dolores.

"Not too bad." he replied, continuing their perilous journey through the fog. "Sometimes I wish 'Him' was here to help us out, Roger. You know 'Him' better than I do."

"It's not that easy, Eddie. 'Him' left because of what happened between me and Jessica." Roger let out a heartbreaking sigh. Perhaps it was time to spill out the beans. "It happened one night when we were walking down Sunset Boulevard. After a filling meal at a Wolfgang Puck restaurant, we were both craving for some fancy dessert. That was when we found the cake store. My…when I first set eyes upon through that glass, I couldn't stop pointing at that upside-down carrot cake. But Jessica had her eyes peeled elsewhere…on a chocolate truffle cake. We only had enough money to buy one…we were both desperate…and that's when an argument ensued. I yelled…she screamed…and then it came to the part when I said to her:

****

XXX

__

"That's it, Jessica, we're through! I don't want to see you in my sour puss life ever again!"

"Fine!"

****

XXX

That was all she said in return. I didn't know what was crossing her mind then when she threw her bag over her shoulder and walked away. I guess did a terrible thing to her. I haven't heard anything from her since that night…it haunts me still. Oh, Jessica…I'm so sorry."

"Whoa…that's heavy." said Baby Herman.

"And this was all because of a fuss over some cake?" Eddie frowned.

****

XXX

Garfield was growing hungry inside the Crazy Horse. He was strongly tempted to eat Odie for a second, but was forced to ask Jon:

"Do we have any food?"

"You can check the freezer." he replied. "I think we still have one more lasagna left from Milan. If you're going to eat it, please remember to microwave it first!"

"Yeah, right!" Garfield snorted, not bothered to do such. "I don't have time for heating up food! They're good either hot or cold!" he placed his tongue on the frozen food, which instantly got stuck. "Uh-oh!"

Odie licked the lasagna as well, ending up in the same sad circumstance.

****

XXX

"Out of the way, bird brains!" Musashi honked at the Great Star. "Team Rocket's coming through to win this damn Cannonball! So move aside!"

"What rudeness." said Artemis Fowl. "Well, Iorek. I predict it's time to put ourselves into good use! Would you care to see to our impatient drivers?"

"Not a problem." was Iorek's bold reply.

Armed and fixing on his helmet, the giant bear leapt out of the Great Star and landed right onto the Fire Stingray, scaring the living daylights out of Team Rocket.

"AAAA!! The scary bear from the forest has come back haunt me!" Kojiro screamed. "Please don't hurt me, Smokey Bear! I won't ever start forest fires again!"

"Okay! I'll give you what you want!" Nyasu rushed through the refrigerator, gathering up all the Coca-Cola bottles they had. "Take it! Take it all! Just don't hurt us!"

****

XXX

"Here comes my first victim! HEH! HEH! HEH!" Professor Coldheart cackled as he loaded his freezer gun atop his frozen castle. "So long you fuzzy wuzzies…I mean, Cannonballers!"

His shots took no affect on the Super Stingray whatsoever. Spawn noticed some crazy lunatic trying to damage his machine…and was not too happy about it. Inflamed, he activated his boost power and drove straight into Coldheart's castle, gradually melting it like ice cream.

"Uh-oh!" Coldheart gulped, the floor under his boots shaking. "I really should have renovated this place before I returned…AIIIEEEEE!!"

The castle fell apart…

****

XXX

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

Coldheart painfully crawled out from the wreckage, moaning under his breath: "Well, back to the old drawing board!"

****

XXX

Stephanie was practicing a melody on Marcie's piano. She hadn't played for a while, but the rhythm was slowly coming back to her. Marcie listened to her tune, recognizing it immediately. She sat next to her on the bench, and started to play along with her.

The duo played 'Heart and Soul' on the piano as if like they were performing for millions of people around the world. The soft and tender music captivated Sporticus' ears that it drew him away from the Rainbow Phoenix. He thought if the soundtrack for this movie ever sold well, it'd be because of this heartfelt track. It was absolutely irresistible…

Sportacus burst into high applauds after hearing the last note. "Stephanie! I didn't know you had it in you! You are better at piano playing than I am!" he praised. "Marcie…I was wondering if you could lend me a hand in the garage for a moment."

"Sure, Sportacus."

Marcie left Stephanie alone to play other tunes on the piano. But she suddenly stopped playing when a door creaked open beside her…a door leading into a darkened room. Curiosity overtook her mind, and ensuring the coast was clear, Stephanie went in to switch on the lights.

What she found was simply breathtaking. Rusted trophies and cups, dusty badges and certificates everywhere on every shelf…cobwebbed pictures and models of a Lamborghini Countach…a red and purple leather jumpsuit encased in glass…and a collection of newspaper and magazine articles pinned against the wall, with beaming headlines such as 'The Duchesses of Hazard Ride Again', 'Cannonball Champions Give Prize Money Away To Charity', and 'Lamborghini Girls: Ready For More Action'.

The thing that really caught Stephanie's eye was a signed photograph of Marcie back in her heydays…alongside with her partner…

"Jill and Marcie?" Stephanie exclaimed, spinning round to find Marcie leaning against the wall. The stern look in her eyes didn't make Stephanie feel welcomed here. She was about to sincerely apologize…until Marcie spoke:

"Nope. Just Marcie now."

She flicked on another light switch, revealing a different collection of articles on the wall. Stephanie found the headlines very disturbing to read: 'Cannonball Legends' Fatal Crash'…'Countach Calamity In California'…'Marcie In Critical Condition'…'What Ever Happened To Marcie Thatcher?'… were among them.

It was too saddening for a devoted fan to imagine…how did it ever come to this?

"We were drivin' up the highway to Sacramento at a hundred fifty miles an hour that day. There were too many damn Smokeys behind us…I drove faster…until I reached a hundred and eighty. I heard Jill scream when she pointed out that road block ahead. It was too late when I stepped on the brake…and we went rollin' down that hill hard. There were shards flyin' everywhere…I cracked my head on the drivin' wheel. When we hit rock bottom, all I could smell was burnin' gas…we were heatin' up fast in there. The medics finally arrived and pulled us out before either of us could be set alight. I broke my left arm…I had a severed face…but Jill…she never made it. Broke her neck durin' the fall and died instantly…

I've spent every year of my life wishin' I could have turned that car round and just headed home. Jill and I used to race all the time for the fun…not for the prize…we shared every moment together since we were kids…when was the last time you set your foot on that brake to think for a minute of your life about what's really worth winnin'?"

"I…I'm not sure now…" Stephanie answered meekly. "You were my only idols when I embarked on this crazy race. My dreams were always to become just like you when I grew up."

Sportacus interrupted when he stepped inside, calling for Stephanie. "The Rainbow Phoenix is ready to go now! Let's hurry up before we fall to last place!"

"You best get goin'…" said Marcie.

xxx

Author's Note: I suppose this is the point where the story starts to get a little more serious in tone. But don't worry, there's still lots of fun and humor waiting in South America next!


	10. The Fiendish Plot of Dick Dastardly

****

Chapter Nine: The Fiendish Plot of Dick Dastardly

xxx

"Time to shake your maracas, folks! The Cannonballers are dancing their way across South America! said Haruka. "Filled with dazzling rainforests and midnight clubbing, this is a chapter that's not worth missing!"

"I'd do anything to catch a glimpse of any cute llamas!" said Kasumi.

"And I'd do anything to get myself chilly in Chile!" Hikari laughed. "Let's hook up with Emperor Kuzco in Peru, who has a few words to share with us!"

****

XXX

"Boom, baby!" Kuzco performed his groovy dance. "This place is alive and kicking with the Cannonball coming to town! Free punch and popcorn on the palace! You girls sure are gonna miss a lot of fun here! We'll be partying it out for our racers like it's 1999!"

****

XXX

"Right…" Hikari frowned. "…well, the Cannonballers won't have much time to party with all the stiff competition. But that doesn't mean they won't have fun with the police on their tail! I'm Hikari!"

"I'm Haruka!"

"And I'm Kasumi!"

****

XXX

"Hey, Taichi." said Yamato, observing the map of South America. "You ever noticed that if you take the island of Africa and piece it together with South America, it almost makes a perfect fit?"

Taichi snapped his fingers. "That's right, Yamato! Why didn't I think of that? But did you also know that if you mix red and blue paint together, it makes purple? Fascinating…"

****

XXX

"Inspector Gadget?" General Foyt boomed over the telephone. "We're in need of your assistance! Yes…it's those Cannonballers! It's time to play your part in dealing with them…and please don't screw it up!"

"Boy, the General sure won't stop." said Proctor. "I wonder what else he's got in store for them."

Mauser whispered something in his ear. "I hear he's got something big set up for the North Pole…if all else seems to fail."

****

XXX

Meredith Grey was starving. Good thing she had bought a succulent and juicy salami sandwich in the Falkland Islands. But Van Helsing snatched the food away from her hands, insisting:

"Better not eat that!" he took a bite out of her sandwich. "That salami's gonna kick the shit out of your ulcer!"

"But I don't have an ulcer…"

****

XXX

"For some odd reason I felt I was on the wrong island. South America was awfully small for a continent with only a handful of inhabitants. And those bizarre statues I came across earlier looked disturbingly familiar…it almost resembled those I had once seen in a catalog advertising holidays on the Easter Island." (-Adrian Mole)

****

XXX

The tension was boiling between Omi's team and the Delightful Children on Tierra del Fuego. They'd been fighting for the lead for days…or probably weeks. Neither one was still willing to give up.

"You can't pass us!" the Delightful Children clamored.

"Yes, we can!" Omi's group chorused.

"Oh, no you can't!"

"Oh, yes we can!"

****

XXX

In Santiago, Chile, Voldemort was exchanging his sorcery with Jeannie, who proved to be quite the opponent. Her quick reflexes saved her from being zapped by any of the dark wizard's black spells.

"Is this the best you can do?" Jeannie asked with a cheek.

"Hold still, blood-sucking succubus!" Voldemort snarled.

****

XXX

"Hey, Jon. Can we stop and grab some Chile dogs? I'm starving!" said Garfield, his stomach grumbling for food. "I hear they're the best here in Santiago!"

Jon frowned. "Garfield, it's chili dogs, not Chile dogs. And I'm sure there're better places to eat it! You already had four bags of potato chips during the last hour!"

"But Odie ate half of them…"

****

XXX

Kojiro couldn't refrain from saying anything about the nightlife in Buenos Aires, Argentina. He was very tempted to leave the Fire Stingray.

"Can't we just stay here for one night?" he begged Musashi on is knees. "I haven't partied for months, and I'm too desperate!"

"Shut up and read the map!" Musashi ordered.

"Ditto!" said Nyasu.

****

XXX

Elsewhere, Beavis and Butt-head were spending the night partying wildly in the busy city. Hanging out in a night club, the boys were ordering their drinks without even having to declare ID…mainly because of their seductive bartender: Holli Would.

"What'll it be, boys?" she smiled, leaning forwards to partially reveal her breasts.

"Uh…" Beavis blushed. "…we'll have like, two milk please! Heh-heh-heh!"

"Hey, baby!" said Butt-head. "So, I like, was wondering if you're ever into younger guys."

"Oh, boys!" she giggled. "You two are pretty cute…but I'm afraid someone's beat you to it. You see, there are a bunch young studs over there I met earlier…"

"Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly welly, well! What do we have here?" Alex wrapped his cane firmly in his fingers. "Look who's dropped in having a filly with our devotchka!"

"Let's go, Butt-head!" Beavis scrammed.

****

XXX

"(Ah, Buenos Aires! What a beautiful city!)" Gazpacho stuck his head out of the Astro Robin's roof, inhaling the fresh scent of air. "(Feel that cool breeze brushing on your face!)"

The mood was spoiled when a pigeon flew by and expelled its waste on top of his head.

****

XXX

"What'll it be, hot shot?" Holli Would winked at Eddie Valiant. "You look like a man who takes himself way too seriously. Why not have a drink on the house?"

Holli served him a martini glass, blowing a kiss at him bewitchingly.

"I must be dreaming." said Eddie Valiant, rubbing his exhausted eyes.

"Am I dreaming you?" Holli replied, tugging on his loose tie to bring his lips closer. "Why not say we find out with a little touch?"

Dolores marched inside the club and found Eddie about to smooch with Holli. "There you are, Eddie!" she yanked him away from his seat, pinching his ear. "I think you've had quite enough to drink for today! Let's go!"

"Pencil dick." Holli snorted.

****

XXX

Down at the sunny beaches of Uruguay, Tama-chan was hopping madly to take a swim in the sea. But sadly, the team had hardly the time to take a break.

"(Sorry, Tama-chan!)" said Kaolla, patting her gently on the head. "(I promise to bring you back here when we're done with the race, okay?)"

Tama-chan danced so excitedly that she latched onto Keitaro's face, suffocating him.

****

XXX

Olive Oyl's attention was magnetized by the handsome Maverick Mitchell, swooping by on his Little Wyvern. Popeye wasn't too pleased, and tried to smash him off the road.

"Looks like Popeye's getting jealous over another man! And it's not Bluto!" said SpongeBob. "I sense a love triangle forming!"

"Let it be a square!" shouted Patrick.

****

XXX

"D'oh!" Homer was tuning into every radio channel he could pick up, none of which satisfied him. "Don't they have any channels that are in English? Why do they always have to be in Spanish?"

"Well, it is the official language in most parts of South America, dear." said Marge. "It's not that hard to understand if you can listen carefully. You can actually pick up a few words."

"Yeah, like taco supreme!" Bart blurted out.

"The only Spanish you know Bart, is what you read out of Taco Bell." Lisa groaned.

****

XXX

In Bolivia, Sydney Bristow was finding it tough getting past Carmen Sandiego, who blocked her path in every direction she took. Carmen was clearly mocking her racing skills, taking advantage of her on every attempt.

"Sorry, Bristow." she smiled, patronizing her. "I'm afraid your best isn't quite working out for you, is it? Do you have anything else in mind?"

"Sure…boost power." Sydney narrowly passed her, leaving Carmen quite impressed.

"How charming."

****

XXX

"Captain's Log: embarking into hostile environment in Amazonia. Kowalski, we'll need to win the hearts and minds of the natives. Rico, we'll need more special boost power. We're gonna face extreme peril! Private probably won't survive."

"Um, Skipper." asked Ryan, writing on his pad. "What was that last thing you said?"

The Skipper hadn't time to answer, for up ahead, they were facing their unusual enemies. The Battletoads weren't too pleased with the Cannonballers trespassing onto their territory.

"Who do these wise guys think they are?" Pimple pounded his fist. "We're trying to get some peaceful sleep round here, and these big nosed Cannonballers think they can just bust into our home?"

"I've been through enough adventure already!" said Rash, taking up his axe. "This is even worse than riding through the Turbo Tunnel a hundred times!"

"These jerks don't know when to give us toads a break!" growled Zitz, grabbing his wooden club. "I say we kick them out!"

The toads hopped onto the Hyper Speeder, viciously beating up the machine.

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

"Boy, what a fine escape, Skipper! I really thought we'd be goners back there!" said Ryan, relieved after the toads were gone. "How did you take care of them?"

"Easy, Private. I told them I saved my money on GEICO car insurance!"

Ryan couldn't pinpoint how much sense that actually made.

****

XXX

Somewhere else deeper in the Amazon rainforest, an Alien and Predator were duking it out to the horrid death. That was until…the Dirty Joker barged out through the leaves and ran them both through.

Freddy put his foot on the brakes. "What in jackass shit was that?" he stepped out of the car to inspect the wounded creatures. "Jason, get over here! I need you to dice up a couple of folks so we can avoid a future lawsuit!"

Jason strode out of the machine, ready with his machete.

"Stop!" Mulder jumped out, blocking their way. "Don't you remember what happened at the opening scene of the X-Files movie? Their blood could very well infect all of us."

"Let it go, Mulder." said Scully. "I've seen these extra-terrestrial beings before. They come from a sinister dimension known to some as…Fox."

"Amazing, Scully. The truth is really out there."

****

XXX

Dick Dastardly was fed up. If his chums couldn't do the job right, he had to do it himself to stop the other Cannonballers from winning. Muttley watched him roll out a massive wooden log onto the road, blocking it. This was all part of Dastardly's most 'diabolical' scheme ever.

"HEH! HEH! HEH!" Dastardly laughed, pulling his moustache. "This should do the trick on those Cannonballers! They won't be able to get past through the Amazon with this log in the way. And by the time they remove, I'll be steaming head first!"

He was so happy, that he didn't notice the Super Piranha approaching. The machine knocked the log over to Dastardly, who tripped and fell inside when the hood flipped wide open and shut instantly. Chiyo drove around the log, leaving Muttley and the Dark Schneider alone without the driver.

"(Do you hear something?") asked Yomi.

"(Is it coming from the back?)" said Tomo. "(Sounds like someone kicking.)"

"(I think it's coming from the front.)" said Sakaki.

"(There must be something loose.)" thought Chiyo. "(We'll stop at the next gas station and have a look later. I'm sure it's nothing serious.)"

Osaka was feeling hungry for some music. "(I wonder what's on the radio)." she switched on the button, and immediately, the group sprang from their seats when Dastardly's frightening voice exploded out on the audio:

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

The Super Piranha stopped on the side of the road and the girls got out to open up the hood. Carefully carrying out the crippled Dastardly, they apologized and bowed sincerely for their mistake. Dastardly waddled helplessly across the road scrunched in his fetal position, bumping his head onto a tree. He heard the girls drive off, much to his ire.

"Drat…double drat…and triple drat!"

****

XXX

Civilians leapt off the roads of Lima, Peru, as an intense battle between Herny Sugar, the Mask, and Mr. Mistoffelees was taking place.

"Time to take you off the road!"

Henry Sugar charged at the Origammy, but smashed into a brick wall when Mr. Mistofelees used his magic to thin out his machine and slip through a narrow alleyway. The Mask was blowing inside a giant balloon. With enough air he needed, he let it go, blowing away ahead in first.

****

XXX

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, was far overpopulated. Inspector Gadget wasn't entirely sure how to keep his eyes open for the Cannonballers, especially with all the local festivities going on. It wasn't making his job any easier.

"Those Cannonballers can't be too far off!" Gadget rubbed his chin, thinking up a possible solution. "I've got it! Go, go, gadget copter!" he rose to the skies and hovered across the city. "Now this is more like it!"

****

XXX

"Here we are Scooby, old pal!" Shaggy stepped out of the airport with his bags. "Rio! Boy, will we have one heck of a blast here. We'll even get to see real life Cannonballers!"

"Raggy! Over there!" Scooby-Doo pointed at Sonic and Mario speeding past the taxi stand, knocking taxis over.

"Oh, boy!" Shaggy jumped hyperactively. "Our shining moment of joy has arrived!"

The Cannonballers zipped past, blowing away their bags and making a mess out of Shaggy's clothes.

"Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!" Scooby couldn't help but giggle. "You rook ridicurous!"

"Race you through Rio, Mario!" shouted Sonic.

"You're on!" Mario said.

****

XXX

The CSI team were unfortunately stuck in the middle of a parade, which was frustrating since they were lagging behind.

"Wake me up when we're out of here!" said Nick, taking his nap.

****

XXX

"(We've got them, now!)" Isabelle tracked a Cannonballer on the streets with her binoculars. "(This is it, girls! Let's make our first catch of the day!)"

The Machinegal Dolls laughed as their chopper hovered down into the city.

****

XXX

Devilotte floored El Dorado, swerving fast past the police cars. Inspector Gadget saw his gleaming opportunity, and didn't hesitate to swoop down upon his first target.

"Won't catch me, coppers!" Devilotte took a sharp turn around the block.

Gadget followed, only to smash right into the Machinegal Dolls.

"Hiya, ladies!" Gadget waved at the window screen…before they all descended down with a loud crash.

****

XXX

"You can't say 'no' to Rio, Musashi!" Kojiro begged her with mercy. "Please have a heart and let's explore this magnificent city for at least a few seconds!"

Musashi rubbed her chin in thought. "All right, Kojiro, let's get out and explore for a while. I suppose Team Rocket needs to have a rest, after all."

"Oh, thank you!" Kojiro hopped out of the Fire Stingray, kissing the ground. "Here's one big step to Rio, Kojiro!" he lifted up his foot, boldly taking his first step.

He was snatched away by Nyasu, however, and hurled back into the machine. "Your few seconds are up, Kojiro!" said Nyasu. "Let's roll!"

"OH! Why do you have to be so literal sometimes?" Kojiro began to weep, waving goodbye to Rio de Janeiro.

****

XXX

In Ecuador, Chef was surprised to hear his song 'Chocolate Salty Balls' on the radio.

"Well I'll be, children! They're playing one of my old tracks!"

"Well, at least it's better than seeing Cartman do his German dance again!" said Stan, getting the goose bumps on his shoulders. "That's god awful…"

"I can do the German dance for you!" Cartman ripped his clothes off and started dancing for the boys.

"AH!" Tweek squealed.

****

XXX

Mr. Bean was slowly creeping up behind the Luna Bomber in French Guiana, hoping to pass it soundly. Peeking through the window, he was appalled to see Jack Twist with his arm round Ennis, kissing him.

"EWW!" he had to look away.

****

XXX

"(Asterix, I think I just saw some pirates!)" said Obelix, pointing at the Wonder Wasp wishing past them. "(Let's go smash them up good!)"

"(Stop hallucinating, Obelix.)" said Asterix in disbelief. "(You know that's complete nonsense.)"

Jack Sparrow drank the last of his bottled rum, swaying past police cars and other drivers who happened to be on the streets of Guyana.

"This is the life, ain't it, Guybrush? Crashing through Suriname was like piercing the Kraken with the sharp end of your ship!" he laughed, giving Elaine a tickle. "Come here, you!"

"Oh, Jack! Stop it!" she giggled.

Guybrush did nothing but moan miserably. "I REALLY need some grog…"

****

XXX

Ernie couldn't stop telling jokes to Bert, even when they had reached Caracas, Venezuela.

"Okay, I've got a good one for you, Bert!" said Ernie, having tried so hard to make his buddy laugh. "How can you estimate the entire population of India?"

"I don't know, Ernie. How?"

"All you got to do is toss a penny, and everyone will be scrambling for it!" Ernie giggled once again. "That one gets my rubber ducky all the time!"

"Hey, that sounds pretty funny, Ernie!" Bert for a while laughed…although it eventually dropped into another frown when he began to understand the joke. "Wait a minute! Oh, Ernie, that was a terrible joke! Whoever told you that?"

"I picked it off from one of the cast members in 'Avenue Q'."

****

XXX

The Blue Falcon was soon to leave the troublesome nation of Colombia. Eddie hoped none of them were trying to smuggle illegal drugs…or any at all. It seemed highly unlikely…until he noticed something on Roger's face.

"Roger, what's that white stuff on your face?" he gave a stern face. "I wouldn't want to imagine what I think it is! Don't you toons know well enough about the hazards of drugs?"

"Sure we do, Eddie!" said Roger. "Never confuse 'pots' with 'pot'!"

"Mellow out, Valiant." said Baby Herman. "Me and Roger were just chowing down on these powdered doughnuts! Want one?"

"I'd sure do." said Dolores. "They look delicious…"


	11. Top of the World

****

Chapter Ten: Top of the World

xxx

"It's official! The Cannonballers have passed South America!" shouted Hikari. "They'll only need to cruise the Caribbean or take the rough road across Central America to make it back here to the US of A!"

"Through North America, they will head up straight for the North Pole and into the Cannonball Dome where the three hundred and fifty million dollar prize and the legendary Cannonball Cup awaits!" said Kasumi.

"Let's not get excited just yet, girls." said Haruka. "Let's hear a word from our correspondents in Mexico City, C-3P0 and R2-D2!"

****

XXX

"Oh, what a splendid honor it is to be part of this marvelous event!" C-3P0 couldn't have been more thrilled standing in front of hundreds of Mexican fans. "As Hikari quite stated, our Cannonballers will be making their fabulous journey across the Caribbean and Central America."

R2-D2 started bleeping.

"That's correct, R2! There'll still be a lot of dangers afoot from the police. But I'm all too excited to witness this spectacular moment for the Cannonballers as they cross Mexico! It's certainly worth the wait!"

****

XXX

"Thanks a bunch, you two! You've been a great help!" said Haruka. "Well, there you go, folks! It's not long now until this year's Cannonball crosses its finish line for the last time! So don't miss a minute of it! I'm Haruka!"

"I'm Hikari!"

"And I'm Kasumi!"

****

XXX

"Any comments, Yamato?" asked Taichi, looking at the map. "We've got a lot of tiny islands to track through. Think you're up for it?"

"U-huh!" Yamato nodded his head. "I'm with you, Taichi…say, afterwards, why don't we play another game of battleships?" he asked, offering his hand.

"You got it!" Taichi shook on it.

****

XXX

"Sir, I'm not too sure if Sam and Max are the best choice to handle the Canonballers." said Mauser concerned. "Everyone else you've assigned have all failed."

General Foyt blew smoke out of his nostrils and flicked away his cigar. "They're our last resource, Commandant. But don't despair…because if this fails, you and I are taking a ride over to the North Pole."

"That's great!" Proctor smiled in elation, rushing out of the office. "I'll go pack my bags!"

"Just where in the hell did you find that jerk?" General Foyt had to ask.

Mauser shrugged, completely without a clue. "I don't even remember."

****

XXX

"Look!" Nyasu pointed at the Blue Falcon. "It's Valiant and his lame brain posse! Let's give them a little kick off the road and show them NO ONE messes with Team Rocket!"

"How'd they get here to Panama with us?" asked Kojiro.

"Who cares?" said Musashi. "Let's get them!"

Roger Rabbit heard the Fire Stingray approaching. "Eddie, we've got trouble behind us! What'll we do?"

"Eddie…for once, have you ever tried negotiating with them?" said Dolores. "Maybe they could be of some help. Maybe they could help us find that Smith who's been bossing round the other Cannonballers lately."

"She's got a point, Valiant!" said Baby Herman. "It just might work!"

"Roger, go spread the word to Team Rocket, will ya?" said Eddie.

"Hey, you guys!" Roger shouted. "Eddie and I are hatching up a plan to get back on that Smith fella! Why don't we work together on this for a change, huh?"

Team Rocket paused.

"Smith…doesn't sound like a bad idea." thought Kojiro.

Nyasu pounded his fist. "I'm up for it! Let's squash that rotten tomato and give him a piece of our mind!"

"Okay, Valiant!" shouted Musashi. "You got yourself a deal! Team Rocket's with you against Smith!"

****

XXX

In Costa Rica, Haruka was still figuring out how to outsmart Lara Croft on the highways. No doubt, Lara was persistent and didn't give the Outer Senshi an easy time at all.

"Well done, Lara." said Joanna.

"(Keep focused, Haruka.)" said Setsuna. "(You can win this race if you just stay calm.)"

****

XXX

"Dora?" Boots had to ask a question. "Do Sheiks actually exist around these parts of America?"

Dora frowned with a puzzled look on her face. "Why you ask that, Boots? We've been through Nicaragua, Honduras, El Salvador…are you saying there's one following us here in Guatemala?"

Boots nodded, pointing at the neighboring machine, the Wild Goose.

"You cannot outrun the fastest lion in the deserts, infidels!" Corvax cackled, tossing a load of money at Dora. "Go buy yourselves a machine of better quality!"

****

XXX

The Golden Fox was not far fro the Super Stingray in Belize. James Bond avoided the fiery trail Spawn left behind. Kim found it unbearable to watch and shut her eyes, praying that they wouldn't crash.

"Too hot for you, Kim?" asked a cheeky James Bond.

"Keep driving, James." she replied. "I've seen a lot more handsome guys than that creature."

****

XXX

Through the Nertherlands Antilles and Aruba, Duke Nukem was fending off the police cars, armed with his trustful Devastator. Mini rickets flying everywhere, the road became a war zone.

"Heh! What a mess!"

****

XXX

After passing Trinidad and Tobago and Grenada, Tomoyo had her camera up and running again once the team had reached Saint Vincent and the Grenadines. Though quite untimely, she had caught Sakura sharing a private moment with Syaoran. Meiling wasn't afraid to watch either.

"(Um, Tomoyo-chan.)" Sakura blushed, pointing her fingers together. "(I don't feel this is the best time to film us. Syaoran and I would like to have a bit of privacy, if it's okay with you.)"

Meiling gasped, clapping her hands. "(A-ha! You two were about to kiss, weren't you? I knew it! Tomoyo, you must film EVERY moment of this!)"

"(That's not it!)" Syaoran's face turned red. "(Me…and Sakura were…well…)"

****

XXX

In Bridgetown, Barbados, Dupond and Dupont were debating whether to give a share to Tintin once they had won the race.

"So, that's four equal shares!" said Dupond, writing on his notepad. "Eighty seven million and five hundred thousand dollars for all of us!"

Dupont shook his head. "I don't agree. Why should Tintin have a share? He's not even in this feature! You're giving money to him for nothing?"

"Pipe down, you dunderheaded coconuts!" said Captain Haddock.

****

XXX

Zapping across the islands of Saint Lucia, Martinique and Dominica, Stormy and Electra continued to wreak chaos in Guadeloupe, with tensions still growing. They could very well go on like this until the end of the race.

"You still awake, twerp?" said Electra. "I'll shock you and set your Night Thunder on fire when I've beaten you!"

"Ha, ha!" teased Stormy, not intimidated. "We'll see what happens when I summon rain clouds to follow you back home when you lose!"

****

XXX

After tiresomely traveling past Montserrat, Calvin and Hobbes were in Saint Kitts and Nevis avoiding more police cars.

"Tell me again, Hobbes. Do they speak French or Portuguese here?"

"They speak English." Hobbes reminded him. Calvin had been getting confused with his languages through every different island they had visited.

****

XXX

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!"

"HA! HA! HA!"

Still…the laughter never ceased between Bozo and Pee-wee once they had arrived in Antigua and Barbuda.

****

XXX

The Powerpuff Girls were still locked in battle against Lock, Shock and Barrel. The damage they had caused in Saint-Bathelemy and Saint Martin was unforgivable. But the havoc they were causing in Anguilla was horrendous.

"Don't let 'em get away!" shouted Shock.

"Faster, girls! Faster!" Blossom ordered.

The Silver Rat skipped across the ocean with the Pink Spider still on their tail. They didn't have time to avoid crashing through a holiday cruiser, carrying Rose Nylund, Blanche Deveraux, Dorothy Zbornak and her mother Sophia Petrillo. With water leaking rapidly inside the massive hole, the women sat helpless as they sank with their boat.

****

XXX

In the British Virgin Islands, Artemis Fowl didn't look fast enough when Go Mifune raced past them at the speed of light.

"That's one fine Cannonballer." he said, watching the Blue Falcon 2 disappear. "I'm not quite sure if you were quick enough to catch that, Iorek."

"I saw it with my very own eyes."

"You certainly have a better sight than I do."

****

XXX

In the Virgin Islands, two stupid dogs were having a rather stupid conversation.

"I gotta find a hydrant." said the Big Dog.

"Okay, but first, let's build a submarine!" said the Little Dog.

"What's a submarine?"

"I dunno!"

Close by, Hinata and Sakura had bumped into the Lee Brothers again at the gas station. Hinata wanted to desperately approach them, but kept shying herself out. She couldn't make up her mind what to do. The anxiety was so great that she temporarily passed out.

"(Hinata-chan!)" Sakura cried. "(Are you okay?)"

"(I can't do this…)" Hinata moaned, laying helpless on the ground. "(What if they don't like me back?)"

The Big Dog approached the unwell girl, hoping to shed some light on her problems. "Listen, kid." he said. "Love is the only chance for happiness you'll ever get in this life, and if you're going to let a little thing like rejection stand in your way, you might as well stay right there on the ground, because people are going to be walking over you for the rest of your life."

"(Did that dog just talk?)" though Sakura, her eyes rolling into spirals. "(Or am I going crazy?)"

"(Hey, that's right!)" Hinata shot up, snapping her fingers. "(Sakura-chan, I'm going to march over to those boys and confess my love to them!)"

"(That's good to hear!)" said Sakura. "(But…they've already left.)"

"(Really? Then what are we waiting for? Let's catch up with them!)"

After thanking the Big Dog for his word of advice, Hinata jumped with Sakura into the Bunny Flyer and raced after the boys.

****

XXX

In San Juan, Puerto Rico…

"HEEYA!" Yuffie was throwing her shurikens at the Dragon Bird, hoping to dispose of Sora's gang in a matter of seconds.

"No fair, you guys!" Kairi complained. "I thought we were making this a friendly match!"

"Yuffie, get down here now!" Rinoa scolded her, pinching her ear. "We're not hurting Sora or his friends whatsoever!"

"I was only playing." was Yuffie's mere excuse. "Gawd, sometimes you guys don't have any sense of fun!"

****

XXX

"Brian, look! It's Charlie Brown and that idiotic beagle!" Stewie pointed out at them in front. "After all the fuss we had with the police in the Dominican Republic, what a stunning coincidence to find these guys here in Haiti!"

"Stewie, it's time we taught them a harsh lesson."

Stewie fired up the engine. "I'm with you, old friend of mine. Let's show those weasels that they can't out stage Stewie and Brian Griffin after over fifty years!"

They caught up with Snoopy, ramming his machine without mercy. Snoopy fought back, keeping the Fire Ball steady on the road. The two machines grinded into each other, sparks flying everywhere. Their attention was caught, however, when the same tanker truck, previously seen in Chapter Three and Chapter Six, came honking the opposite direction. This spelled another painful collision…

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

Past the Turks and Caicos Islands and up towards the Bahamas, Monica Geller was growing annoyed with Richie Rich, who sadly seemed far more superior in racing than her. Honking didn't seem to help much, although it did bring his attention.

"Move out of the way, dollar boy!" Monica yelled.

"I really don't go for these New York sitcoms." said Richie Rich.

****

XXX

Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids were on the run from the police in Kingston, Jamaica.

"What are we gonna do, Fat Albert?" asked Russell in panic. "Those cops look nasty! We gotta find a way out of here quick!"

Fat Albert saw a narrow path on the side of the road. Perhaps it was the only chance they had to escape. He had to take it.

"Hold on, everybody!" Albert took a sharp turn.

****

XXX

"Let's go!"

Irv Blitzer was coaching the Jamaican bobsled team hard for the next winter Olympics. Junior Bevil, Derice Bannock, Sanka Coffie and Yul Brenner assembled into their cart shaped like a bobsled. The cart ran down the steep hill at full speed. Blitzer was impressed by the team's performance, although he didn't expect Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids to come sliding down the hill too on their Iron Tiger.

His sunglasses fell off as it raced faster down the hill than his team and sped past him. A group of police cars also followed, only to tumble downhill one after another. The Jamaican team was absolutely frozen by the time they had made it down the hill.

"You can pee now." said Derice.

"Oh, too late." said Sanka.

****

XXX

Dream and Death were enjoying their time, having a safe and peaceful journey through the Cayman Islands.

"Is there anything you'd like to say to our audience so far in the race?" Death asked her brother. "You know we're the near the end of it."

"Nothing, really."

"That's interesting…the best thing I've ever heard from you."

****

XXX

Outside of Mexico City, two freelance police detectives were lounging in their car, waiting for the Cannonballers.

"You really think this plan will work, Sam?" asked Max.

"Sure. This speed meter can measure any vehicle that passes. Once we get a big run, we'll hit the road and catch that Cannonballer before he knows what hit him!" Sam put his feet up on the driver's wheel, reclining his seat. "In the meantime, we can just sit down, relax and let technology do the work for us!"

The Silver Thunder wasn't far off, but Washu was intelligent enough to switch on her invisible shield.

"Sayonara! Bye, bye!" the gang chuckled together as they whooshed past Sam and Max without being seen.

"What the hell was that?" Max checked the meter's crazy readings.

"I'm not sure, buddy." said Sam. "But whatever it was, it was going at a hundred and fifty miles per hour…must have been fly!"

****

XXX

Elsewhere, Brain was instructing Pinky on how to navigate the Fat Shark…

"You guys are gonna pay for this!" Montana Max yelled, grinding his teeth.

"Silence, human." said Brain. "Know that I will gladly spare all your pathetic lives after this race, but Pinky and I plan to take the money and cup for ourselves. So consider this…just."

"Um, Brain! There's somebody blocking the road!" Pinky pointed out. "Should I stop?"

"Did you hear that, Buster?" said Babs anxiously. "He's going to take all the money, which means we'll come back home empty handed!"

Buster was struggling hard to get out of the ropes. "Only a miracle can save us now!"

The stranger on the road suddenly leapt onto the Fat Shark and forced the door open with his bare hands. Showing off his red cape and blue tights, he leapt again, squashing Pinky and the Brain like a pancake and defeating the tiny menaces instantly.

"NACHO LIBRE!" everyone cried.

"That 'miracle' catchphrase works every time!" said Buster.

****

XXX

Further out in the deserts, Eddie Valiant and Team Rocket had finally tracked down their man. Smith was surprised to see the Blue Falcon and the Fire Stingray teaming up as they trapped him in between, giving him no place to escape.

"The gig is up, pal!" said Baby Herman.

"We're gonna take you down!" said Nyasu.

"All the way down!" said Roger Rabbit.

"This will teach you not to bully other Cannonballers!" said Kojiro.

"Amen to that!" said Dolores.

"Enough talk! Let's crush that creep!" said Musashi.

"See ya later, alligator!" said Eddie.

"This was most unforeseen." Smith suffered his punishment as the Super Falcon was knocked back and forth between Eddie's group and Team Rocket, like a game of Pong. The hits grew louder and harder, giving him a splitting headache. When finally finished, Team Rocket took the honor to knock his machine off the road.

The Blue Falcon and Fire Stingray blasted away together, a team effort well done.

****

XXX

Shinji wasn't feeling comfortable driving through Havana, Cuba. With all the police after them, he didn't want to imagine what they'd do if they were ever to be caught. Asuka, however, was taking it casually, listening to her Carpenters album collection.

"(Asuka, how could you think about music at a time like this?)" said Shinji.

"(Shoosh!)" she hushed him, singing along with her favorite song: 'Top of the World'. "Such a feeling's coming over me…"

Shinji couldn't quite stomach the old fashioned music, not to mention Asuka's singing. "(Do something, Rei!)"

"(I love this song too, Shinji.)" was her cold reply.

****

XXX

In Bermuda, Tommy Vercetti was also listening to his Carpenters CD, which didn't please Chrissy, Meadow or A.J. too much.

"Excuse me, Mr. Vercetti…?" said Meadow.

"SHH! You're interrupting Karen!" Tommy said, listening to the same song. "I'm on the…top of the world…"

****

XXX

"It's your favorite song, Stephanie!" said Sportacus. "Cheer up! We're already in the lead! We'll be at the North Pole very soon!"

Up in the islands of Saint Pierre and Miquelon, Stephanie was gazing out of the window in deep thought. Despite 'Top of the World' playing on the audio, she wasn't feeling so positive about winning anymore. She began to ask herself why she was in this maniacal race…


	12. An Inconvenient Chapter

****

Chapter Eleven: An Inconvenient Chapter

xxx

"Folks, we've just received word that under unknown circumstances, the Cannonballers have…vanished?" said Kasumi. "Anything you'd like to say about this, girls?"

"It's as if they've disappeared right out of thin air!" said Hikari.

"Taichi, Yamato! Have you found any clues yet?" asked Haruka.

****

XXX

Taichi and Yamato were far too busy fast asleep…again.

****

XXX

"Great coverage, you guys." Haruka frowned. "We'll get back to you on this unseen turn of events, fans! I'm sure the Cannonballers must be somewhere! I'm Haruka!"

"I'm Kasumi!"

"And I'm Hikari!"

****

XXX

"This is terrible, Victor!" J.J. exclaimed, analyzing the world map. "Where in the hell could our racers have gone? This doesn't make any sense to me at all!"

Victor tried to calm his friend down. "Don't worry, J.J.! They couldn't have gotten too far! If worst comes to worst, we'll dispatch a search party to find them!"

"Mr. McClure, Mr. Prinzi." Mr. X stepped into their office. "Vice President Benson would like to share a word with you both."

"Okay, I think I've got it!" Benson marched in, unveiling his map locating all of the McDonald's restaurants in the USA. "We'll send our troops to raid every restaurant we can find! This won't be easy, boys! We're dealing with one bad ass corporation here!"

"That's very nice, Vice President. But we've bigger problems in our hands to worry about right now." said J.J., silently shooing him away.

****

XXX

"What the…?"

Eddie Valiant was astonished to find himself in an assembly of Cannonballers. He wasn't sure where he was, he wasn't how he got here, he wasn't even sure if this was a dream. Perhaps the only thing he was sure about was that something was terribly wrong. It seemed nobody knew why they were called here, and he glimpsed a few worried faces amongst the crowd. Though before he could say anything, the doors opened and in stepped a caped figure.

"Welcome to my underground lair in Greenland." Dr Doom announced. "I hope all of you will enjoy your stay down here. My assistant Mr. Henshaw and my Doombots had kindly assisted me in bringing you all to this rather unscheduled gathering."

"What's the big idea, metal head?" Nyasu hissed. "How come some nut always has to stop us from winning the Cannonball? You realize you ain't the first who's ever cooked up this idea before?"

Doom nodded. "Precisely. Therefore I need not lecture you infidels about my intentions. Why not say we cut straight into the climatic battle royale, perhaps to save some time on this movie?" he nudged his head at Cyborg Superman and the Doombots, giving them the signal. "Mr. Henshaw, they are all yours."

"Eddie, what are we going to do?" said Dolores. "Those Doombots don't look too friendly to me…but that Henshaw guy sure needs to get plastic surgery."

"Only a miracle can save us now!" Eddie shouted, and right out of the blue…

"DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUN!" Captain Chaos appeared, shining in his renewed mask and cape. "Greetings, fellow companions! Long time, no see! Captain Chaos is finally back on duty after a long vacation! HA! HA! HA!"

Eddie and Dolores were awestruck.

"Chaos…? I thought you were gone!"

"Far from it, Eddie!" Chaos chuckled. "Even in the harshest times of marital relationships, Chaos never lets his friends down! He'll always stick out for them in every pit of danger!"

Eddie was thrilled. And fortunately, this brief intervention had given the other Cannonballers just enough time to prepare themselves for the upcoming battle. Among them, Beavis was consuming countless packs of root beer, summoning his alter ego, the Great Cornholio.

"I AM CORNHOLIO!" his voice echoed for all to hear. "You have desecrated the spirit of the almighty bunghole! Prepare to suffer my eternal wrath!"

"I despise these Cannonballers!" Doom clamored. "Seize them all immediately!"

Cannonballers on one side, Henshaw and the Doombots on the other, a massive charge ensued. As both sides clashed, Captain Chaos threw the first punch at Cyborg Superman…

****

XXX

****

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

"Fools! Did you really think you could overpower my minions with your combined strength? Know that resistance is futile! None shall claim victory in the last Cannonball Run!"

As the camera zoomed out, however, Doom found himself tied up against a giant rocket with Cyborg Superman.

"WHAT?" he exclaimed, struggling to get free. "Just who is responsible for this mere act of trickery?"

Nobody really cared. With all the Doombots destroyed, Captain Chaos took the courtesy to launch the villains sky high, and the Cannonballers waved goodbye to the last of their troubles.

"You haven't heard the last from us…CANNONBALLERS!" was Doom's final words before he vanished into outer space.


	13. Truth About Racing

****

Chapter Twelve: Truth About Racing

xxx

"Here we are, live at the Cannonball Dome in the North Pole, where we've just received fantastic news that the Cannonballers are alive and well!" said Haruka. "What a great relief this is to all our fans, girls!"

"And what a spectacular evening this will be!" said Kasumi. "In just a few hours, the Cannonballers are going to be making their last stop here to finally decide who in Cannonball Run history will receive the Cannonball Cup and three hundred and fifty million dollars in cash!"

"This is the Cannonball's finest moment! So stay tuned!" said Hikari.

Yamamto and Taichi were among the crowd to witness this glamorous event…

"What happened to you, Taichi?" Yamato was shocked to see his pal frozen up like an ice cube. "Didn't I tell you to bring some warm clothes?"

"Sure…b-b-but I don't remember you mentioning that we'd be heading to the North P-P-Pole."

****

XXX

"What a great honor it is to have you back, Mr. President!"

"Fine, Mr. McClure!" President Harris replied, more than glad to return for the Cannonball's grand finale. "What a glorious occasion this is to see some of our fine men out there sweating like pigs! You're excited? You should feel my nipples!"

"Boy!" Victor was already getting the goose bumps. "I haven't felt this nervous since the very first Cannonball!"

"The Cannonballers will be arriving any minute, sir." said Mitch, inspecting his watch. "We should head outside, ASAP!"

"Don't spell in front of me, damn it!" Harris exclaimed.

****

XXX

Mauser slapped Proctor on the head for being such a lousy pilot in their chopper. Despite a minor snowstorm, they were getting close to the Cannonball Dome. General Foyt wrapped his cane and smiled elegantly. It was all going too well according to plan…

"Those hidden mines I've planted near the finish line should wipe each and every Cannonballer off the road by the time they detonate! That means there won't be a winner…and I will have finally exacted my revenge on the Cannonball Run for good!"

****

XXX

"COME ON, CHAOS!" shouted Eddie as the Blue Falcon took the lead. "We can win this race with your help! We all need it…do this for Roger!"

"Don't let those jerks get the prize!" Nyasu jumped frantically on his seat. "Maximum boost power and full steam ahead! ALL SYSTEMS GO!"

"Do excuse me, but there's a race to be won…by me." Smith drove past Team Rocket.

"We're in fourth position, Stephanie!" shouted Sportacus. "We can't give up now! We can still make it if we keep trying!"

"WAY-HEEEEEY!" Mr. Bean couldn't keep calm.

"Tell me when we've finished in first place, James!" Kim Possible shut her eyes again. "I can hardly wait!"

"VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!" Stewie Griffin exclaimed.

"(This is so exciting! I think we're going to win!)" Chiyo burst into a fountain of joyous tears.

"HYUK! HYUK! HYUK!" Bozo laughed.

"HA! HA! HA!" Pee-wee laughed.

"We got this goin', baby!" Tommy Vercetti floored it.

"Miserable blundering barbecued blisters!" cursed Captain Haddock.

"BEEF CAKE!" Eric Cartman poked out of the Crazy Bear, waving his shirt like a party animal and exposing his flabby skin.

"Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Popeye gobbled down his last can of spinach, giving him all the strength he needed left.

"FASTER! FASTER!" shrieked Devilotte off her seat.

"Don't let those Powderpuffs beat us!" screamed Shock.

****

XXX

The crowd exploded in cheers as the Cannonballers appeared in sight. Amidst the heavy blizzard, the entire gang had pulled through and it wasn't long now until one of them would be crowned king of the Cannonball. However, a chopper flew by and General Foyt held his remote control, ready to push the red button any given time.

"Five…four…three…two…one!"

In the blink of an eye, the massive explosion caused several Cannonballers springing off the road. Others caught in the fatal blast spun out of control, smashing into other racers and toppling over. In a matter of seconds, the race track had transformed into pure bedlam. The Cannonball Dome fell deathly silent at the horrific scene, upset faces spreading everywhere.

"HA! HA! HAAAA!! I DID IT!" General Foyt rejoiced, tugging Mauser and Proctor by the neck. "You see that, boys? The good guys always win! We beat those scum buckets at their own little game! They sure can kiss my ass for this!"

Not one person had avoided the impending disaster. As the smoke lifted, the shattered remains of the machines lay piled up everywhere, with wounded Cannonballers helping one another out from the wreckage. One of them, Stephanie, was limping away to the finish line with her time card.

It wasn't too far…she thought to herself. Only a few more steps away, and she could earn the treasure that over a hundred craving competitors had fought so hard for to claim. The glittering Cannonball Cup sparkled in her eyes, waiting to be picked up by her oil stained hands. Nearly there…she continued to advance…past the finish line and up to the time clock. She reached her blackened arm over for it…and froze, stopping to think a moment about her actions.

The audience and Cannonballers watched her carefully. Stephanie made her final decision by tearing up her card to pieces, much to everyone's shattered eyes. She kicked the Cannonball Cup off the table and stomped it relentlessly, until it appeared nothing like a trophy at all. Even the commentators didn't know what to say…Stephanie snatched Borat's microphone and spoke out:

"A lot of you might be thinking about what I've done. I've destroyed an opportunity of winning…I've destroyed the Cannonball Cup…and even what's left with the prize, I'm not even going to take the money. You want to know the reason…? Somebody once said to me that racing isn't always about winning top for the prize…but it's about how you decide to cherish that fun moment and make the best out of it. And sometimes, when you set your foot on that brake to think for one minute about your life, you'll realize that the only thing that's really worth winning is a friend, who can share those fond memories with you on every mile you take down that hard-stricken road. I've sure had a lot of thrills traveling round the world…meeting all new people…learning different cultures…and making new friends. I'd say that's about all I need for this race. How about you…?"

Mitch clapped his hands together, moved by the little girl and her words of truth. J.J., Victor, Borat and Mr. X joined in. Kasumi, Haruka and Hikari followed next, then Taichi and Yamato. The Cannonballers tore up their cards into small pieces and cast them high into the air, loudly applauding while Sportacus burst into high whistles. The whole audience clamored with utter praise as thundering cries echoed throughout the Cannonball Dome. Stephanie smiled with a twinkle in her eye, giving a light bow before the Cannonballers lifted her up and carried her around the dome shouting her name.

"God bless that man!" President Harris blew his nose and wiped his tears on his hanky.

****

XXX

"Ah, I've had enough of these cheesy soap operas!" Statler complained, having grown bored stiff of the Cannonball.

Waldorf sighed, picking up the remote control. "Let's see what else is on!"

****

XXX

"This is a Muppet New Flash! The last Cannonball Run has finally shut its doors, ending its last track in the North Pole without a winner. As for what remains of the Cannonball Cup, it has been ultimately decided that it will be shipped off for recycling. And the prize money is to be…burned."

The Muppet Newsman chuckled.

"That's ridiculous! I'd rather have an anvil drop on my head than read this garbage!"

An anvil dropped on his head, knocking him out cold.

****

XXX

"I don't get it, J.J.. Was this really supposed to happen?" said Victor scratching his head. "Why did the Chairman leave three hundred and fifty million dollars and the Cannonball Cup to hold the last race if he knew no one was going to win?"

"Weren't you paying enough attention to what that little girl was saying?" said J.J.. "To tell you truthfully, I don't think the Chairman even wanted to have another Cannonball. He just wished to end it. He wanted us to learn, Victor, that you don't need a prize in winning."

Mr. X interrupted them. "Mr. McClure, Vice President Benson would like to show you something. He says it's very important."

"J.J….Victor…I've finally caught them!" Benson stepped aside to show the Machinegal Dolls handcuffed, along with their boss Hymie Kaplan and his Bully Brothers. "That Isabelle was quite a feisty catch, but I showed her!"

"And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" shouted Hymie. "Ain't that right, fellas?"

"Right!" the Bully Brothers replied.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Benson stepped aside again to reveal another handcuffed group his men had captured. "We also happened to grab hold of these no-gooders after that explosion. This is Commandant Mauser, Lieutenant Proctor and General…" he snatched away his glasses to reveal his identity.

"FOYT!" J.J. and Victor cried.

****

XXX

"(Go ahead, Sakura-chan!)" Tomoyo cried holding her film camera, stars sparkling in her eyes. "(You can kiss Syaoran, now! I think this is the most romantic time!)"

"(DO IT!)" Meiling ordered.

Syaoran and Sakura shrugged at each other with their blushed faces…and kissed.

****

XXX

Sakura and Hinata approached the Lee Brothers, digging their noses through their pocket phrasebooks.

"(How do you do?)" said Sakura in her fractured Cantonese. "(My name is Sakura…and this is my friend, Hinata. We are very pleased to meet you!)"

Hinata continued, again with a difficult tongue. "(We had a lot of fun racing with you. We were wondering if you were interested in going to the ice cream parlor with us.)"

The Lee Brothers looked at each other confused, as if they didn't understand a word they had said.

"(This isn't working too well, Hinata-chan.)" said Sakura, sweat dropping.

Hinata cleared her throat, following her instincts. "Would you like to have ice cream together?" she asked in slow English.

"Now you're speaking our language!" Yun and Yang replied, taking both girls by the hands. "Let's go!"

****

XXX

"Beavis, Butt-head. That was a glorious bitva we had." Alex topped his hat at the boys. "Why not say we do that again, sometime? My droogs and I are incredibly pleased with your performance. But for now, we must be off…farewell!"

"Hey!" Butt-head called out, watching them walk away. "Does this mean like, we get to be in your gang now?"

Alex smiled. "Appy polly loggies, but I'm afraid you two aren't quite…English enough."

****

XXX

"For a little twerp, you're not actually half bad at racing." said Electra, shaking hands with Stormy after a good match together. "But I swear…next time I will definitely beat you!"

"Whatever race comes our way, Electra, I'll be there!" Stormy winked.

****

XXX

"May this-a be the last time we meet." Mario shook hands firmly with Sonic. "We've-a been through so many races. I'm-a not sure if we should, how you say, keep this-a war going on between us."

"You might have a point, Mario." said Sonic. "Maybe our buddies were right. We shouldn't keep fighting like this. Tell you what, how about we go and have some cold shakes together…pal? They're on me!"

"Let's-a go!"

****

XXX

"(Can you teach me how to drive like that sometime?)"

"Sure, Hotaru." said Lara Croft, patting her on the head. "You sure love racing more than saving the world, don't you?"

"(A little.)" Hotaru chuckled. "(Haruka isn't too happy, now that she has you as a rival to compete with.)"

"Well, you can tell Haruka I can race her any day, any time."

****

XXX

"Hey, Brian! Hey, little Stewie! How you guys doing?"

"Quagmire?" said Brian Griffin. "How did you get here? Last I heard from you, you were off with some Japanese school girls in Tokyo."

"Ah…they got pretty moody after a few drinks."

"Don't we all?" said Stewie. "Well, better luck next time, old chap!"

But Quagmire's eyes were magnetized once again when they caught the perfect and slim bodies of Haruhi Suzumiya, Yuki Nagato and Mikuru Asahina. Another gleaming chance was at hand for this womanizing pilot.

"ALL RIGHT!"

****

XXX

"Wow, Sora! You guys really blew us away!" said Yuffie. "Squall and Rinoa are mighty impressed by your skills!" she jumped over to Vincent and hugged him like a teddy bear. "Me and Vincent are going to spend quality time at the Gold Saucer as our celebration!"

"That's nice to hear, Yuffie!" said Sora. "Kairi and I were thinking about heading down to the beach with all our friends!"

Kairi chuckled, waving a paopu fruit in her hand. "Hey, Sora. I know something special we can eat together!"

****

XXX

"It's clear now I have underestimated you, Mr. Valiant." said Smith, wiping his dirty sunglasses. "Perhaps you are a better racer than I had foreseen. Though it doesn't necessarily state that you are truly the master. Heed my words…when one race ends…others are bound to be reborn. And when that time comes, I'll be there waiting for you."

Eddie let him disappear into the crowd, thinking about his words.

Dolores sighed in pure glee. "I'm sure gonna miss the Cannonball. But it looks like we've got a new enemy to worry about."

"Same for us, too!" said Nyasu. "But don't worry about us, Valiant! You don't have to call us Team Rocket anymore!"

"That's right!" said Kojiro. "We're quitting our jobs for good!"

"I've always wanted to open a spa…in Okinawa!" said Musashi, dreaming off in her fantasy world.

Team Rocket waved goodbye at Eddie Valiant, tossing their uniforms away and marching away fancy free. It seemed like all the loose ends were tying up for everyone. However, a few cases remained unresolved, especially for Roger Rabbit, who was still mourning with guilt over Jessica…until…

"Roger?"

"Jessica?"

"It is you!" Jessica Rabbit came running to her darling sweetheart through the crowd, embracing him with all her loves and kisses. "Roger, my dear. I'm so sorry! I came here looking all over for you! I just wanted to mend things up together!"

"Oh, Jessica." Roger Rabbit began to cry. "Pllllllease don't apologize! We've both done terrible things…but I'm just glad you're here so we can bring this story to a happy ending!"

"All's well that ends well. Ain't that right, Valiant?" Baby Herman nudged him.

"Yeah." he smiled. "Guess you can't stay mad at a rabbit for the rest of your life…especially when it's Roger you're dealing with."

****

XXX

"Hey, Stephanie!" Wayne Campbell greeted her. "I'm Wayne Campbell from 'Wayne's World'. And this is Garth Algar! We were wondering if you'd like to be a guest star on our upcoming show this revival season!"

"'Wayne's World'? I love your show!" Stephanie smiled and leaped for joy. "Of course we will! Sportacus will especially love hanging out with you two in your basement!"

"Wayne…don't you think she's such a hot babe?" Garth couldn't keep her eyes off Stephanie. "SHWING!"

"Garth, she's just a kid!"

"Oh…right."

President Harris stepped up to greet Stephanie by the hand. "What an inspiring voice you have, young lady! And what a wonderful speech that was! Boy, you'd make all those other American presidents look like the Sunday roast with that kind of enthusiasm beating in your heart!"

"Thank you, Mr. President!"

"Mitch, come over here hand me my pen! I'd like to get an autograph from this fine lady!" Harris removed his wig and bent down to reveal his shiny bald head. "Sign anywhere you like, Stephanie!"

"There you go!" Stephanie wrote her signature and handed the pen back to Mitch, who wasn't feeling all too well with the exposed sight.

"Here's your wig, sir."

"Thanks, Mitch!"

Wayne and Garth were pure speechless to have the President standing in front of them. All they could do was fall to their knees and worship him, chanting:

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We suck!"

"You are worthy, boys!" said Harris. "Just remember one thing though: never smile at a prostitute if she winks at you twice!"

Stephanie and the boys frowned, including Mitch.

"That's a pretty shitty lesson." said Garth.

"Hey, I'm a pretty shitty president!"

****

XXX

"I've had a sensational time here with you girls!" said Yamato.

"I've certainly had a blast!" said Haruka. "But I'm afraid it's come to that end where we have to say goodbye for the very last time to all our devoted fans!"

"This will be one Cannonball we'll never forget!" said Taichi.

"And one Cannonball we'll always treasure!" said Hikari.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thank you ever so much for watching! It's been an honorable pleasure to commentate for all you people around the world. And I sincerely hope you've enjoyed your time with us! We'll never forget this! I'm Kasumi!"

"I'm Hikari!"

"I'm Yamato Ishida!"

"I'm Haruka!"

"And I'm Taichi Yagami! Signing out and wishing you all the very best!"

"NOT!" Borat rudely interrupted.

****

XXX

"Elmyra's sure got those mice tightly secured in her cage." said Buster Bunny. "They won't be causing trouble for a while."

Babs Bunny tapped his shoulder. "Say, Buster, what ever happened to that kiss you promised…for all those die-hard fans watching us?" she wrapped her arms around Buster in her loving embrace, doing her impression of Sally Field: "You really love me."

She brushed her lips against him…

****

XXX

Relax-O-Vision

****

XXX

"HEY! WAIT! STOP! HOLD IT! ENOUGH!" Buster Bunny strode angrily towards H.A. Futterman. "Listen, pal. We've had just about enough of you and your Relax-O-Vision thing!"

"Yeah!" Babs Bunny shouted at the Censor Lady. "We're sick of you interrupting the best parts of the movie!"

"Oh, yeah? What are you going to do about it?" said Futterman.

"We're near the end, anyway. So why complain now?" said the Censor Lady.

Buster and Babs had a splendid idea to make this ending worthwhile. They took out their metal baseball bats, grinning demonically at the audience before they prepared to unleash their wrath upon the censorship people.

****

XXX

Relax-O-Vision

XXX

Whack!

"OW!"

Crack!

"YEOUWCH!

Bash!

"EE!"

Bish!

"OH!"

Crunch!

"MY ARM!"

Poke!

"MY EYES!"

Crash!

"NOT MY GLASSES!"

Tear!

"HEY, NOT MY HAIR!"

xxx

Author's Note: One more chapter to go, just to wrap things up on this story. Don't miss it!


	14. Goodbye Marcie

Author's Note: Well, we've finally reached the end of this track. Before I leave, I'd like to thank all you reviewers and e-mailers for all your helpful support. It's been wonderful writing this last Cannonball Run story, and I hope this has brought a heartwarming conclusion to the series. Please enjoy this last chapter and don't forget to leave your review! Comments are always welcome! (E-mail: charlesxavier85 **(at) **hotmail **(dot) **com).

xxx

****

Epilogue: Goodbye Marcie

xxx

It was often a sad moment when visiting a friend you've lost. Some people wished to forget about it completely and move on, while others wished to contain those precious memories for as long as they lived. But Marcie Thatcher chose to remember Jill Rivers as the sister she never had.

Settling her flowers onto her grave, she made a few silent prayers. She felt for a second that Jill was watching behind her, as she heard her faint chuckle. Spinning round, she saw J.J. McClure and Victor Prinzi smiling back at her, having brought more flowers for the private occasion.

"It's been a while." said J.J., waving at her. "The whole world's been looking for you. What ever happened to the other Lamborghini Girl?"

"You haven't changed a bit." said Victor.

Even after twenty years, Marcie had still retained her beauty despite the scars on her delicate face. Indeed, it was a fact that she had locked herself away from the public eye all this time. In recent years, she wondered whether it was even worthwhile stepping back into her boots and onto the road once more.

"Boys….it's about time I made a move. So long."

Marcie zipped up her jumpsuit and marched back to her polished black Lamborghini.

"Goodbye, Marcie." said Victor.

The Lamborghini purred away, speeding across the empty highways under the setting sun.

xxx

**__**

The End

xxx

****

Closure

xxx

"IT STINKS!" Jay Sherman exclaimed in utter distaste. "Hotchie Motchie! That was the worst picture I have ever seen in my entire life! I can't believe I sat here for four hours viewing this awful piece of junk! I'd rather be watching a film directed by Ed Wood and Uwe Boll combined! Well…in conclusion, I personally have to rate this film a negative zero! Ouch! Now that the Cannonball Run series is finally over…you viewers can go home and cheer yourselves."

A mysterious package dropped onto his lap, addressed to the film critic himself.

"What's this?" he opened it, reading a special invitation. Pumped with adrenaline already, Jay Sherman leaped away and made a dash out of the studio, screaming: "Daddy's gotta buy a new pair of shoes!"

A gumball bounced by the foot of his chair, rolling silently away…


End file.
